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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding reading

99 replies

ReggaetonLente · 31/08/2017 10:35

I've wanted the following reading at my wedding since I was a teenager, due to get married in six weeks' time. All planned and ready, my uncle is going to do it for us.

"Love is friendship caught fire; it is quiet, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection, and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, hopes for the future, and does not brood over the past. It is the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories, and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you do not have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough."

One of my bridesmaids feels strongly that the last line of the reading will be really upsetting to anyone who's single - she thinks it'll twist the knife and make them feel like shit basically (she's engaged so not about her). She's also shared it with colleagues who've found it similarly shocking.

Since she said this I've asked around a bit and no one has expressed such shock to me, although they wouldn't would they!

I've asked single and divorced/separated people and they've both said that while weddings can be a bit of a moment if you're sad about being single, you expect lots of talk about love, and the readings should be about us as a couple, not how others might take them. -And another said no one will even be listening so who cares-

This doesn't sit 100% right with me though, and now I'm debating scrapping the whole thing. I don't want to upset anyone and I am annoyed at myself for not thinking more sensitively. I could just scrap the last line but to be honest it's all left a bad taste in my mouth now and since I've loved it since I was a kid, i don't know about changing it.

Any thoughts appreciated please - would anyone reading this now find this upsetting?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 31/08/2017 11:16

I dislike the last two lines, personally. And yes, I am sure long-term people would find it a kick in the teeth even though at the back of their heads they know it isn't aimed at them.

But you've wanted this at your wedding since you were a teenager. I think omitting a line is one thing, but if you start changing the words then it really isn't the reading you wanted at your wedding since you were a teenager. If you want it, have it, but either have it as it is or choose something different. Seems very short for a reading anyway - if you leave the last line out, it'll take longer for your uncle to get up from his seat and back again than actually reading it!

Angrybird123 · 31/08/2017 11:16

That's it really isn't it then? YOU want to love and be happy with the reading (rightly so) you yourself now feel uncomfortable about it so I would amend it so that you aren't unhappy on your wedding day. You can't always worry about everything and everyone in all situations but this is a small fix.

Only1scoop · 31/08/2017 11:18

'Nuptuals' whoops

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2017 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpareASquare · 31/08/2017 11:20

If a reading is your 'thing' it's not that bad. Apart from that last line. Truly awful.

Fibbertigibbet · 31/08/2017 11:21

Maybe it's just me, but I read the last line as if talking about relationships- as if, if you do not have love in your partnership, even if you have everything else, it's not enough, which is a positive message and something that is good to start a marriage with remembering!

I think if someone took offence to this line, I think they are a bit sensitive in general about what is going on in their love life, and likely would struggle with all the other talk about love at weddings, too.

Tillyscoutsmum · 31/08/2017 11:22

I think I'd just replace "life" with "marriage" if you're concerned. Friends had this reading at their wedding (and in fact the person doing the reading was resolutely single) but I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to be offended.

Oddsocksforeveryone · 31/08/2017 11:26

@purpledaisies yes I am aware. Not sure what the point of your comment to me was?

MrsOverTheRoad · 31/08/2017 11:27

I think it's a negative to end on that last line.

maddiemookins16mum · 31/08/2017 11:30

I don't like the last line and it would be fine without. My dear widowed friend would probably find it upsetting.
That said, not one single person will remember it by the time the speeches are done.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/08/2017 11:30

I don't see anything wrong with the reading - and I am a (from time to time) wedding celebrant. If you are going to fret about it, change 'life' to 'marriage' as a valid compromise (it's fine to tweak readings for weddings/funerals BTW - unless they are being actually televised for the general public or something, I suppose).

It's certainly not as bad as people doing things like have Jame's Blunt's You're Beautiful for the first ddance, without having listened to the words (he doesn't get the girl and he drowns himself...)

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2017 11:30

I've just gone back and realised I've totally misread what you said in your last post oddsocks.

Ignore my last, I've reported it.

puddingpen · 31/08/2017 11:31

Personally I would remember that reading because I would find it slightly offensive. Sorry! Assuming you are happy to mess with it you could add something to the second last line: "If you have love in your life, the love of your partner, your family, your friends, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you do not have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough." Personally I would be much more comfortable than that.

I went to a wedding once where the vicar went on about a wedding he had been to at a registry office and how it meant so much less than getting married in a church. I had actual tears of anger at that one, especially being sat next to a wonderful couple who had had a secular wedding the month before.

Oddsocksforeveryone · 31/08/2017 11:32

@purpledaisies ah no worries. You had me panicked for a minute that my last post had come off wrong.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2017 11:33

No-It was just me reading too quickly. Doh.

Nuttynoo · 31/08/2017 11:35

Go for it. Nobody who isn't close to the bride/groom would remember the readings at a wedding anyway.

Just to let you know though - I've seen that particular poem read at a number of funerals too. So I do think it's about loss.

PinguDance · 31/08/2017 11:35

I'm single and when I go to weddings stuff like that is pretty much par for the course! I'm not offended I just inwardly roll my eyes. Then again I like being single so I wouldn't take it the wrong way.

I think changing 'life' to 'marriage' in the last bit would be a good solution to having the reading you want but not coming across too smug.

But really if you're sad about being single the readings are probably low on the list of things that would bother you about a wedding - I'm a rare single amongst my friends so any big social event (even without a marriage element!) makes me remember that I'm single, which I don't notice on a day to day basis (IFYSWIM). And even as the bride you can't do anything about all the insensitive things your guests might say or sympathetic looks they'll give etc. etc.

smurfit · 31/08/2017 11:38

I have the sort of love in the poem and I'm single (have been for years and not looking to change, yes it's lonely sometimes but I have plenty of love in my life). My family love me, I've got a small number of amazing friends, even my dog is 100% pure love. I think it's a nice poem and to see it as a slap in the face is to deliberately choose to hear it that way.

Tbh, if single people can't go to a wedding and accept a bit of gushing about being so happy together etc etc then they probably have no business attending in the first place.

Tumtetum · 31/08/2017 11:48

The last two lines seem to be focused on the negatives and could be read as a bit of a dig at those who aren't married/in love. Also "It can make up for a great many things you lack" seems to be suggesting some major character flaws to me! What about changing the last two lines, you could tweak it to say whatever you wanted. Something like "If you have love in your life, then whatever life throws at you, you will find that you have enough". Or something, I know that wording isn't right, but something that focuses on what love brings rather than what the absence of love might mean.

Figment1234 · 31/08/2017 11:50

I have spent most of my life attending weddings as a (not by choice) single person.. I would not have given a second thought to the reading. If someone is going to be upset about the fact that they are not in a relationship, the whole day is going to affect them. I don't think the words would have stuck in my head. However, if you just want to remove the last sentence, or change the wording, if it will make you feel calmer about it, I think that would work well.

However, I am getting married myself in 4 weeks' time and am reviewing my readings with some trepidation now! One of them is very much 'isn't marriage a great social institution' and am now concerned that I will be upsetting people who are not married...!

Mittens1969 · 31/08/2017 11:50

I don't think it would have upset me when I was single tbh. I loved seeing my friends getting married and didn't take offence at all the gushing about love, it is a wedding after all.

madcatwoman61 · 31/08/2017 11:55

I think if you are that sensitive about being single that you are going to take someone else's wedding reading personally enough to be offended, you should not be attending weddings. The readings are the choice of the couple, they are not about the guests. Have what you like!

Penny4UrThoughts · 31/08/2017 12:14

As a currently (and probably permanently single) person, I like it. It's amusing. It's nice to have a shot of the reality of what being part of a couple is really about

'It is the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments'

Yep, pretty much sums up coupledom. It's a bit odd that it goes on to imply that it makes life better, when the reality is it makes life different - easier in some ways, harder in others. But hey, that's what makes it funny!

MargaretCavendish · 31/08/2017 12:16

Well, yes, penny, if you deliberately cut off all the positive parts then it is quite a negative view, unsurprisingly!

Penny4UrThoughts · 31/08/2017 12:20

I didn't say it was negative

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