to expect a child I'm looking after to follow my rules

[GooseyLoosey]

Ok - this is the scenario.

Unexpectedly ended up looking after a friend's 3 year old for the day. I have a 2yr old and a nearly 4 yr old.

Friend doesn't really have any rules and gives into her dc's every whim. I by contrast have quite a lot of rules.

I started by being more liberal with visting child than I would be with my own, but after a while I could see my dcs were puzzled by this so I changed tack.

The result was that when I refused to by chocolate in a shop for the visiting child, it sat on the pavement outside and screamed - tbh, I was not totally sure how to deal with this. I would have ignored mine and moved to about 10ft away but felt I couldn't do this, so entered into negotiations to provide chocolate at home. There were similar events at several points through the day, another one involved dh telling child 3 times that the stones in the garden had to stay there and not in the kitchen - after the thrid time of being ignored, he shut the backdoor and said no playing outside for a while which again resulted in tantrums.

It was clearly upsetting to the child to suddenly become subect to rules and I wonder if I was too harsh. On the otherhand, my dcs clearly thought it was unfair that they should be subect to rules that this child was not. Tbh I'm not sure how well I handled it and that I didn't let my friend down with my treatment of her child - what does anyone else think?

I don't think you did anything wrong Goosey

I wouldn't have bought chocolate either or allowed piles of stones in a non pile of stones type household

but I think you should expect some upset and just use all your skills to help him get over it, rather than taking the tack "oh well he is being very naughty and disobedient, what a nuisance he is"

YKWIM

Not that you were taking that tack!

oh lord can't say right for saying wrong today

Thanks all. Fanny, for what its worth, I don't think the child was naughty or disobedient as these are subjective concepts and this child has no other concept of life other than doing what he wants - not his fault at all. My concern is that on several occasions I reduced him to tears by sticking to what I thought was right and (if I'm totally honest), the fact that I did not have the courage to admit to his mother that this had happened.

Thanks Franny!

F&Z you've hit it on the head... stones in the house, tantrums over chocolate... this is normal behaviour for a 3yr old surely! Totally to be expected! Even if the child has a ton of rules at home.

Correct the naughty behaviour.

Oh dear yes I do get what you mean

I think if you are happy for some rules to be bent like Enid says, then that is fine, but I don't think you should be turning your house upside down for him either

oh dear it is hard. Part of me is thinking "Poor little boy, it wouldn't have hurt to have stones in the kitchen for one day" and part of me is thinking "But other people DON'T always want to let you do what you want, and if he is learning this now from a kind person then maybe it is a good thing..."

and I would not have wanted the stones in my kitchen either! FWIW my ds would have the same sort of tantrum about the same sort of thing in my house, as well! I don't think it is anything you or his mum are doing wrong, just one of those things with 3 y olds

(I would tell his mum and put your mind at rest - if she doesn't want him to be looked after unless you do everything his way, then she can soon tell you that)

I personally am Bitch Of Steel with one of DD1's more indulged friends. She seems to cope.