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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a child I'm looking after to follow my rules

33 replies

GooseyLoosey · 02/04/2007 11:13

Ok - this is the scenario.

Unexpectedly ended up looking after a friend's 3 year old for the day. I have a 2yr old and a nearly 4 yr old.

Friend doesn't really have any rules and gives into her dc's every whim. I by contrast have quite a lot of rules.

I started by being more liberal with visting child than I would be with my own, but after a while I could see my dcs were puzzled by this so I changed tack.

The result was that when I refused to by chocolate in a shop for the visiting child, it sat on the pavement outside and screamed - tbh, I was not totally sure how to deal with this. I would have ignored mine and moved to about 10ft away but felt I couldn't do this, so entered into negotiations to provide chocolate at home. There were similar events at several points through the day, another one involved dh telling child 3 times that the stones in the garden had to stay there and not in the kitchen - after the thrid time of being ignored, he shut the backdoor and said no playing outside for a while which again resulted in tantrums.

It was clearly upsetting to the child to suddenly become subect to rules and I wonder if I was too harsh. On the otherhand, my dcs clearly thought it was unfair that they should be subect to rules that this child was not. Tbh I'm not sure how well I handled it and that I didn't let my friend down with my treatment of her child - what does anyone else think?

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 02/04/2007 11:17

I think your house, your rules. Your mate must know what you're like (and you sound fine to me) and was happy to leave her boy with you and your rules.

edam · 02/04/2007 11:18

I think it's fine to say, we have these rules in our house. But it's best if you spell them out in advance - guess you couldn't know beforehand what this child would be upset about. But no way I'd buy a visiting child chocolate if I wasn't buying it anyway!

If you do look after this child again, I'd remind him or her of the rules at the start and again before any likely flashpoints so as you set off for the shops, I'd say 'we are not going to buy any chocolate today, we are going to the shops for x, can you help me find it?' or something.

edam · 02/04/2007 11:19

I think it's very useful to show children that there are different rules in different places, btw, learning to adjust to different situations is very important.

Enid · 02/04/2007 11:19

dont go to the shops for a start

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 02/04/2007 11:22

Enid - didn't take them shopping, just walked to the swings and stopped at the village shop to buy them a balloon each. Shopping with all three would have been beyond me!

OP posts:
kittywaitsfornumber6 · 02/04/2007 11:22

It's so tricky looking after and disciplining other people's childrne. You don't want to upset them and for them to have a bad time with you. You also don't really know just how much they're taking the piss 'cos you're not mum.

I think you struck a good balance there. I suppose if it is to become a more regular thing then it will be easier as the child will know what behaviour is acceptable when with you.

I think the line I would have taken after a while would be that " we do it like this/don't behave like that". You have your own sanity to think off too!!

Soapbox · 02/04/2007 11:23

We tend to treat little visitors the same way that we treat any other guests and relax our rules to be welcoming in the time they are in our home.

I don't stand for bad behaviour though - but pulling up on manners and stipulating how things are done is forgone whilst we have visitors.

The reason which I give to my own children for relaxing rules is that it is polite to make people feel welcome in our home and that means that sometimes we do somethings differently when people join our family for a short time

I've never found that they are at all confused in teh long term.

fennel · 02/04/2007 11:25

We have a similar situation, I often look after my sister's children and they have a very different approach to parenting. We wrote up a list of House Rules (my dds love it, they keep adding to it) and visiting children get treated to a rendition of house rules and what's allowed or not in our house. It works well, especially with visiting children who may not be used to having to do what they're told at home (she says, trying to put it politely ).

Enid · 02/04/2007 11:26

agree with soapbox

we tend to pander to the guest and MY kids learn that rules are relaxed when we have guests

mind you you sounded like you handled it fine!

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 02/04/2007 11:26

That was initially my take too Soapbox, but would you have bought the chocolate or allowed piles of stones in the kitchen? This child really did not know the meaning of the word "no" and I was at times at a loss what to do so am genuinely interested in the answer.

OP posts:
Soapbox · 02/04/2007 11:28

I would have given the option of chocolate or balloon, probably. Or just bought both!

Stones are bad behaviour in my book, as the child had been politely asked not to bring them into the house. SO would have done what you did.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 02/04/2007 11:32

Thanks - hadn't considered giving the option. Not too good with thinking on my feet in these circumstances!

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 02/04/2007 11:33

I do agree with that, soapy. But I would and have used the "In this house, we don't/do..." line if absolutely necessary. As in, to one 7 y.o. charmer recently: "In this house we don't use the word 'bitch' because scummy does NOT like it." Child in question had the grace to look ashamed so was instantly forgiven.

ScummyMummy · 02/04/2007 11:34

Yes- stones not on, imo.

Gobbledigook · 02/04/2007 11:37

I think 'your house, your rules' too.

I would only ask someone to look after my children if I knew enough about how they look after their own children and I felt comfortable with their 'rules' and methods of discipline.

Consequently there are only a couple of friends I'd actually leave mine with for any length of time (day or overnight).

FrannyandZooey · 02/04/2007 11:41

Well of course it's your house, so your rules

but I think it is being a bit unreasonable to expect a 3 y o to accept all the new rules without demur

I think most would have difficulty if your style is very different

doesn't mean that the child is brattish or the parents weak or that you are wrong for insisting

just that it is going to be harder work for you when a child who has different experiences at home comes round

vimfuego · 02/04/2007 11:42

Friend doesn't really have any rules and gives into her dc's every whim

How do you know this?

Every child is different and bad behaviour does not necessarily equal lax parenting.

Soapbox · 02/04/2007 11:42

Scummy - the bitch thing would have been very bad behaviour in my book and might even have raised a very stern reponse

ScummyMummy · 02/04/2007 11:43

Yes, good point Franny. I think 3 year olds in unfamiliar environments are pretty likely to play up even without any new rules to reckon with, actually.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 02/04/2007 11:44

Vimfuego - I know friend doesn't have any rules as I have spent a reasonable amount of time with her and our children and by her own admission she finds it impossible to deny her child anything and see it upset.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 02/04/2007 11:45

Yes- my tone of voice was very chilly, soapbox!

powder28 · 02/04/2007 11:46

I think soapbox has hit the nail on the head

Anna8888 · 02/04/2007 11:47

This is a very hard one.

I think it is unrealistic to provide a list of rules in advance. Firstly, most of us don't spend time bringing our standards of behaviour to consciousness, let alone write them down. Secondly, even if you have a list ready and waiting, it is unwelcoming in the extreme to hand it out to visitors (of whatever age) on the doorstep.

And all of us have rules we care very much about and ones we feel able to relax on occasions without too much grief.

I have stepchildren. They grew up with certain rules when they lived with both their parents. Their father initially applied exactly the same rules as he had always done when the children were at our house. However, those rules do not all suit me and, since we have a daughter of our own, there is a set of rules in our house that is growing and evolving and that is increasingly different to the set of rules the boys have at their mother's house.

I think you just have to talk it out, whatever the age of the children. And take it by ear whether you have the strength of will to enforce a rule or whether you prefer to give in to a screaming child.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 02/04/2007 11:53

Franny, I too suspect that you are possibly right which is why I started feeling guilty about the whole thing. In my defence, I did waive most of them and only took a stand on a few (including sharing toys - with guest always getting first go!) but it did clearly upset the child when I did.

OP posts:
Mamalennon · 02/04/2007 11:55

I have looked after a lot of friends' children in my house over the past ten years and they are normally pretty well-behaved, even if they are not so at home, because I have no problem telling other people's children what I expect in my home. I think it's quite unusual for a child to have screaming fits like this in someone else's house; in my experience they usually save it till the mum comes to pick them up! I'm not talking about crying because they're upset at being left, I'm talking about the sort of angry tantrums you describe. I think you had a lot to deal with and you did so well by the sound of it. I would be worried about this little boy and would gently tell his mum your experience of him. What will happen otherwise is that noone will ever want to look after him and that's a shame for any child.

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