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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About BIL

30 replies

prettygirlincrimsonrose · 30/08/2017 22:49

Currently 28 weeks pregnant. So far questions and comments aren't too bad (if predictable) and I'm politely answering everything. This evening BIL asked me if I'm planning a vaginal birth or a c-section (phrased exactly like that). I decided to stand up for myself and tell him I didn't want to discuss that with him, but found it really odd that he asked.

For context he's absolutely devoted to SIL and clearly makes her happy which is great but he's very intense and difficult to spend too much time with, partly due to the way he approaches conversation. This evening he's asked me what I actually do at work, declared how much he misses SIL, talked about how focused he is and how he gets on with things (as a way of having a dig at ex BIL) and told the story of him and SIL getting closer before she split up with ex BIL (which we basically know) and emphasising how moral he is for trying to avoid seeing her when she was married and not actually doing anything, even though he really liked her. So much of his conversation generally is about their relationship and how perfect they are for each other, or is describing the sort of person he is, which I find really unusual. He's staying with us atm so left him and DH drinking wine and currently resting upstairs!

They're in the process of moving to same city as us and I'm not sure how to manage seeing him so much more often (although very happy about seeing more of SIL). I try to be polite and friendly, and in small doses he can be ok, but AIBU to find him hard work and look for ways to avoid spending too much time with him?

OP posts:
YorkieDorkie · 30/08/2017 22:52

Wow he sounds like a PITA, not made any better with being pregnant! You can't help him moving closer and I guess it's just taking the rough with the smooth as you get to see SIL more too...

YADNBU, he sounds like a total narcissist.

RandomMess · 30/08/2017 23:08

Is he just totally socially inept?

PollyFlint · 30/08/2017 23:18

He just sounds a bit socially awkward, really, rather than someone who is actually offensive as such. Regarding the question he asked about how you're hoping to give birth, it sounds like it was the terms he used that made you uncomfortable - would you still have been offended/cross if he'd asked a similar question in a more lighthearted or normally conversational way?

I think this is probably a case of you just finding him awkward company rather than him actually doing anything wrong, per se. I do sympathise because I find intense, overly serious people a complete nightmare. However ... I'm guessing that most of the time you'll actually be seeing him in the company of your SIL and you won't have to talk to him one-to-one that often? Why is he staying with you without SIL? Presumably that's not going to be regular thing?!

Boulshired · 30/08/2017 23:45

I have to say, I would not of took any offence at his first question. Medical rather than personal.

BackforGood · 30/08/2017 23:56

Not sure why anyone would be offended at someone showing interest in what is clearly very important to you at the moment.
I've just read a thread where the OP is upset because no-one did asked her about what is important to her.
It seems folk just can't win.

Time40 · 31/08/2017 00:22

This evening he's asked me what I actually do at work, declared how much he misses SIL

I think both of those are quite nice!

Original poster
prettygirlincrimsonrose · 31/08/2017 00:42

Polly I think you have a point, he's not deliberately trying to offend, and it is my issue, think I need to remind myself of that when I feel myself getting annoyed.

He's staying with us as they've not exchanged on the house yet but he's started a new job.

Thinking about question from earlier I'd probably find it strange if anyone asked about my plans for birth, let alone so directly, so maybe I'm being unfair picking up on it because it's him. Just came out of nowhere and I don't particularly want to answer questions about what I'm planning to do with my body from someone I don't know that well (they've only been together a couple of years and haven't seen him that many times). Can't really think of a non-pregnancy equivalent but it feels too personal to bring up out of the blue. Incidentally I don't think anyone else has asked directly, most people have obviously assumed and said something encouraging about labour/birth which is fine (or something which seems designed to remind me how awful it can be which is irritating).

OP posts:
5rivers7hills · 31/08/2017 00:48

Asking what do you actually do st work - are you sure you aren't reading malintent where there is none?

What do you actually do at work as in actual tasks day to day, is a very reasonable question b cause a lot of jobs are quite opaque and a bit of a mystery unless you have inside knowledge.

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/08/2017 00:51

He sounds like he's making an effort to make conversation and to talk about you and to praise your relative to you. Erm, what a twat..?!

HiJenny35 · 31/08/2017 00:57

Wow, poor bloke, sounds like he's trying really hard to ask questions about you, your life and things that you might want to be talking about. I had loads of people ask me about birth plans when I was pregnant, it's medical I don't understand what the issue is. You really don't seem like you are very nice to him.

ephemeralfairy · 31/08/2017 00:58

Oh god I can predict I will piss off many people in the coming months! Various friends/relatives/acquaintances are pregnant. I have no interest whatsoever in pregnancy, birth or babies but obviously I will pretend to be interested because it's clearly important to them and I don't want to read a thread about myself and how self-centred I am
Please for the love of god tell me what's safe to ask?!

Original poster
prettygirlincrimsonrose · 31/08/2017 00:59

Time you're right, it is nice. Like I said I think it's my issue. They weren't meant to be particularly bad things, just seem to me like slightly odd ways of having a conversation (so we were talking about something else and he suddenly started saying how much he misses SIL). It's sweet that he clearly adores her, just seems odd that every time we've seen him I think, including when SIL is there, he's either announced how much he loves her or how perfect they are for each other. I think I'm more comfortable with people who are a bit less intense and serious, but that's how he is so I guess I'll just carry on being friendly and hopefully it'll get easier to chat in a more relaxed way over time.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 31/08/2017 01:07

He is probably nervous, by the sounds of it still insecure with SIL being married before.

SkylarFalls · 31/08/2017 01:23

sounds like the kinda guff you say when you're trying really hard to keep the conversation going with someone who is hard to talk to. Maybe he finds conversation with you like trying to get blood out of a stone so he ends up blurting out rubbish because it's awkward between you as he's picked up the judgey vibes about his relationship?

SkylarFalls · 31/08/2017 01:25

p.s. many many more people will ask you what part of you baby will/did come out of over the years, get used to it or get a wittier stock come-back if you don't want to talk about it!

Original poster
prettygirlincrimsonrose · 31/08/2017 01:30

Fair enough, I am being unreasonable.

I think there's maybe two AIBUs here a) Being asked directly about birth plan and b) finding BIL's style of conversation a bit odd/annoying. Obviously being unreasonable about b), and clearly it's just a different approach to conversation. I'm not even sure why I found work question odd, so clearly I'm just a bit irritable today. I think the other question threw me, and I turned it into an AIBU about other things.
I love how happy he makes SIL and maybe part of that is being someone who makes public declarations of love. And to be fair the four of us do have a good time hanging out.

Thank you for helping me realise it's my problem. I think I'm not always aware how much my mood is still all over the place. n
Now the random tears have stopped (fun pregnancy symptom no #138) I thought I was fine but this has reminded me it's not reasonable if I'm moaning about someone being nice. Need to go back to some cbt techniques for paying attention to feelings, thoughts etc. But genuinely, thank you.

Still think a) is a bit odd from anyone, but that might be because I have mixed feelings about giving birth that I'd struggle to talk to most people about. Happy to accept it's just me though.

OP posts:
northernshepherdess · 31/08/2017 01:34

He sounds like an aspie Smile

Original poster
prettygirlincrimsonrose · 31/08/2017 01:48

Skylar just to be clear that was the only thing I said I didn't want to talk about, partly because it really surprised me that he asked (and I still said I didn't want to get too attached to any one plan because who knows what's going to happen). I explained about job, said nice things about him and SIL, chatted about motivation and procrastination and things (which he finds really alien). Reading back my first post it is mean and I feel bad for even thinking it, and like I said in my update I agree I'm being unreasonable. But I do chat to him and we've had interesting conversations, I don't sit there silently. Just wrote something bitchy on here that's made me realise I'm more stressed/irritable atm than I thought and I need to manage it better.

Also good point about answering questions post birth but I'm not bothered about that because it's just telling people what happened. I think because everyone else has assumed vaginal birth I was surprised to be asked, and it threw me (and I didn't particularly want to talk to him about how I've been thinking/feeling about it, but I don't really want to talk to many people about that).

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 31/08/2017 01:54

Being asked directly about birth plan

That's the kind of thing i'd ask if i were talking to family or friends.......and i'm an Aspie.
To me it's as normal as asking if you take full fat or Lacto free milk with your coffee.

Some people are ok with my directness, others not so much.
Also, unless you make it really obvious that you don't feel comfortable with that kind of conversation i won't know.
I prefer it if someone is just as direct with me, "mmm....i don't feel comfortable/don't want to talk about that", or "That's personal".

The worst thing you could do with me is go all passive aggressive, huffy and avoidant.
I can pick up those vibes and it makes me feel like it's me personally that you don't like......triggers my anxiety and makes me super-aware of everything i say - which then causes me to clam up for fear of offending/coming out with the wrong thing.

My advice would be to inject humour in your tone when you're being direct with him re something like that.
It's water off a ducks back when presented like that.

Original poster
prettygirlincrimsonrose · 31/08/2017 08:18

northern Heebies Don't think that's the case with him but could be wrong. There's some directness but also randomly starting conversations that seem to be about how great he is in some way.

Think I agree with a previous poster that it's partly nervousness and insecurity rather than boasting or being self-obsessed. He's maybe trying to reassure us, and particularly DH, that he's right for SIL. He did that first time we met and it seems a bit odd he's still doing it after a couple of years of them being together, but I guess we can keep reassuring him we think he's great for her.

OP posts:
MissBabbs · 31/08/2017 10:29

Sounds a bit as if he is desperate to be a close member of your family, I have never heard someone ask, who hasn't given birth, if you are planning a vaginal birth. What sort of family relationship had he, not so good maybe so is keen to be part of yours and thinks this intimacy is the way to go.
He is maybe projecting DSIL's and his future and is a bit freaked out by the thought of future babies. But trying to appear relaxed.
I don't think he means any harm just a bit direct!

Mittens1969 · 31/08/2017 10:41

He sounds a bit like my MIL, who tries too hard to make conversation rather than just relaxing and letting it flow naturally. She always asks question after question and I just feel sometimes, what is this, 20 questions??

When I first met her, I'd just arrived at my PIL's house after a long exhausting journey and been a bit lost. She immediately threw questions at me, when all I wanted was a cuppa and a chance to get my breath back.

She asked questions like, why aren't adopted children breastfed when we were about to adopt DD1 at age 1.

I would agree that it's a form of social awkwardness, trying to be close to someone and just pushing too hard. It makes me a little uncomfortable around my MIL, which sounds like you're describing.

I wouldn't ask the sort or personal questions like you're describing, it's just not quite appropriate.

StayAChild · 31/08/2017 10:44

He sounds to me as if he senses your distance and is trying every which way he can to win you over. The harder he tries, the further away you become. By asking you about fine detail (work, birth etc) he's showing that he's invested in you and your family.
I wouldn't like it either - too try hard. Some people are very draining.
At least one consolation is he's not one of those that just loves to talk about himself.

AlpacaLypse · 31/08/2017 10:50

I also wondered if he might be at the near end of the spectrum. We've got several family members who are ASD, some only mildly some more severely, and this sort of social ineptitude is very characteristic of a couple of the mildly affected ones.

Mittens1969 · 31/08/2017 11:57

@StayAChild, Yes that's my MIL exactly. She just tries too hard and it makes me uncomfortable. I know she wants me to act like a daughter to her (she was upset when I refused to call her mum) and it's made me back away. I feel awful, and I'm polite to her and am very happy for her to visit as her DGDs really love her, and she's my DH's DM. But please, just give me some space.