About BIL

[prettygirlincrimsonrose]

Currently 28 weeks pregnant. So far questions and comments aren't too bad (if predictable) and I'm politely answering everything. This evening BIL asked me if I'm planning a vaginal birth or a c-section (phrased exactly like that). I decided to stand up for myself and tell him I didn't want to discuss that with him, but found it really odd that he asked.

For context he's absolutely devoted to SIL and clearly makes her happy which is great but he's very intense and difficult to spend too much time with, partly due to the way he approaches conversation. This evening he's asked me what I actually do at work, declared how much he misses SIL, talked about how focused he is and how he gets on with things (as a way of having a dig at ex BIL) and told the story of him and SIL getting closer before she split up with ex BIL (which we basically know) and emphasising how moral he is for trying to avoid seeing her when she was married and not actually doing anything, even though he really liked her. So much of his conversation generally is about their relationship and how perfect they are for each other, or is describing the sort of person he is, which I find really unusual. He's staying with us atm so left him and DH drinking wine and currently resting upstairs!

They're in the process of moving to same city as us and I'm not sure how to manage seeing him so much more often (although very happy about seeing more of SIL). I try to be polite and friendly, and in small doses he can be ok, but AIBU to find him hard work and look for ways to avoid spending too much time with him?

I think it's probably quite natural that your BIL feels he has to "try hard" and is therefore being a bit pushy / demonstrative, especially when it comes to proving how much he loves SIL. I'm DH's second wife and I felt (and sometimes still feel) a great deal of pressure to prove that I'm "worthy" to SIL and BIL, even though they've never been anything other than lovely and welcoming, and have made it explicitly clear that they approve entirely of DH and I (going so far as to say how much happier he is now, how the two of us are clearly meant to be etc etc). But despite all this I still definitely find myself on my best behaviour in their house, bending over backwards to be as helpful and accommodating as possible, even though we have spent a lot of time together.

It's hard. It will probably ease off over the next few years. I think as you love SIL and believe BIL is right for her, you just have to try and make allowances for his over-zealous behaviour where you can.

Thanks peach, that's a really helpful insight into how he's probably feeling

He just sounds a bit socially awkward, really, rather than someone who is actually offensive as such

I agree with this - though it's tough if they're staying with you. I have to say though, I'm pregnant and have had a raft of people ask me about my birth plans (none of whom particularly had reason to ask). I don't think it's anything to get upset or offended by, people ask all sorts.

(Though I'd add that it's fine to answer, "That's not something I'm discussing except with anyone who got the baby in there or is helping to get the baby out .)

You're welcome - it was very useful for me to read the other perspective too!