People not believing you...it really gets my goat

[Hannahbaker]

AIBU? And how do others handle it?

I feel like this happens a lot. That i tell people I've done X, and they don't believe me. Or I've left something in a certain place and they can't find it.

At work, someone will be looking for a folder or file, or email even. And i say where it is (this is often when I'm not in the office so I can't prove where it is) and they disbelieve me.

Happens outside work. I have a cleaner (i know that not everyone on MN agrees with cleaners but anyway) who often says she can't find something. Or can't switch something on (no reason why not, again though I'm not there to check).

I sold something recently and got endless msgs, asking where this and that part was. I'm not looking at it, how am i meant to know?

Final straw is I was passed/ loaned some items. I have returned them. Person i loaned them from says that half the items were not there. I know this isn't true because I checked before giving it back. I said as much, but I keep getting more questions, can i check, do i have this or that thing. And i don't because i returned everything. Now i appreciate the items being loaned and don't want to be rude because it was a generous offer but when i know I've given everything back, being questioned is a little annoying.

I don't get regularly disbelieved in this way. I can't think of many occasions in my entire life where I've experienced any of the sorts of things you're describing, let alone as a regular thing.

Do you think this might be something you're a bit hypersensitive to, or that you're perceiving people's reactions wrongly? Or that maybe when you say you've left something where someone can easily find it, it's actually not as easy for them as it seems for you? Or that you maybe don't always remember correctly where you've left something?

I can see how work see me as a problem solver. But my cleaners only been cleaning for me for a few months. Maybe she asks all her clients the same stuff?

But the person who bought stuff from me, and the other who loaned to me, they don't know me at all. I find it annoying they're saying something isn't there which i know it is.

I get this from DH all the time, usually about things not working in and around the house. He can't just take my word for it that it's not working, he has to check it for himself first. Swiftly followed by "hmm that's strange ..."

Noodle, I get this too and it drives me up the wall!! Why can't he just take my word for it instead of having to check himself... it's not like I've lied to him about this stuff. Really erodes away your confidence when the man who chose to marry you (and you chose to marry!) Undermines you all the time....

Are you sure your memory is correct? This rarely happens to me.

Chilver I tend to ask him when he started to think of me as an idiot incapable of turning things on ...

I had this a lot from XH. And his family, actually. It's exhausting and demeaning, I think.

XH is the type to firmly believe that everything he 'knows' is absolute fact. I, however, will only say I know something if there is no doubt whatsoever that I'm correct. There were many occasions when I would say something only to be loudly told I was wrong.

Most recently it happened following a FB post of mine, in which he claimed I'd said something dismissive of him (tempting though that might have been, I hadn't ) He would not believe me and in the end I had to show him the post : what he claimed I'd said had been said by someone else entirely.

Unfortunately it seems that ds2 is following in his father's footsteps.

I wonder- do you notice about these people- are they the type who will automatically blame someone else for something they have done? Or for something which is actually no-one's fault?

It has happened to me since I left my last job. Where I worked very competently for over 10 years. It was a charity. I was the only employee. The board were all volunteers.

I ran the finances. I was the company secretary.

I had to leave due to funding issues and job being very insecure.

A freelancer who took over me still emails me now, nearly a year later. Asking me where this, that and the other paperwork is because they can't locate it.

I know they think I am lying, so I just ignore them now.

If it was one person,even two, it might be them and not you. But everyone? That's you.

You sold something and they are asking where bits are: because you sold them something with bits missing, it sounds like?
You borrowed stuff and the lender says they didn't get it all back: well they probably don't have it all back.

Thing is I have an excellent memory, like massively so. Among my family and close friends it's a bit of a joke how good my memory is.

Hence why I know I am definitely not wrong. The sold item was definitely complete, I double checked before handing it over, I always do.

The loaned items, I know were all there. I remember folding them, placing them back in the box. I know they were there.

It does feel demeaning, and that me saying it was all there but I'll double check (more that something hadn't dropped out) is interpreted as me lying.

Yes hannah I have this problem.
wonder- do you notice about these people- are they the type who will automatically blame someone else for something they have done? Or for something which is actually no-one's fault?
^ that is why it happens.
I have an excellent memory and can often demonstrate why / how I am correct.
But still I am ignored/ told I am wrong etc. It's working with insecure twats, I've never had this problem elsewhere!
I've always looked to improve myself first, but sometimes it's not you, It's them!

On a serious note, sometimes it's a little more than 'get's my goat'. Not being believed can have a serious, detrimental effect on a person's well-being and outlook on life for a very long time. In my case, I am not sure whether I will ever recover from it!

I was disbelieved on a very serious matter recently. It was brought about by a vindictive teenager who ADMITTED she didn't like me and didn't have a working relationship with me due to our 'days of work' and developed a strong relationship with my colleague instead. I had no ill-feelings towards this teen. In fact, I thought this person was shy and timid. How wrong I was!

The only comfort I have after my ordeal earlier this year is that my colleagues, especially those who were with me when the supposed allegations came about, believe me 100%. Them being there and reiterating that nothing happened gives me some comfort. I was informed that 'it should never have escalated' which it did and has brought about a massive trust issue in my line manager.

The very people who I had admired and respected disbelieved me (employers). That hurt a lot. It's a pain that comes and goes and sometimes I find myself crying at night due to the sheer frustration that they didn't believe me! I have considered counselling but at this time I feel it is pointless.Talking about it won't undo how they feel or think. Some of work colleagues keep me going as not everyone knows about it. It has put a huge dent in my confidence, something that will never recover and I will never be the person I was, I already suffered from anxiety beforehand and it doesn't take much for that to rear it's ugly head now and again. I hate socialising with work colleagues in their masses; I withdraw, I want to run away and cry and I am 'more myself' when I am with just my close few. I think I am more hurt by the fact my two line managers didn't believe me - the two people I admired and looked up and respected. All trust and confidence wiped from me.

So yes, not being believed 'gets my goat' too. In more ways than one.

OMG someone else who gets this,
I now take a picture of an item I have borrowed, and let the person see me do it so I can give back all the bits as per the photo, cost me £300 to replace something when it was the other persons fault, they found the part afterwards and so gave me it so I have my own...
I also photo anything I lend and show them the bits take a picture and send it too them... it's so nice to have them not be able to argue.
Kids OMG dont' get me started.
Go into the kitchen under the sink left door it;s just under the sink drain...
Mum it's not there...
Walks in oh look there it is right under your nose.
Memory like an elephant here as well..

Are you sure your memory is correct? This rarely happens to me.
Yes, thats the kind of disbelief that the OP means, thanks for the example!

I get this quite a lot too. People even come and tell me afterwards, that they checked because they didn't believe me when I stated a fact, and I was right! They expect me to be surprised and pleased, when I knew I was right already.

I've come to believe that I just somehow don't look as if I'm sure however much I tell people I am.
It doesn't mean that people don't TRUST me though - have had kind strangers stop to help me with flat tyre, and someone once paid a large shopping bill when my card wouldn't work, believing (correctly) that I'd repay them. It seems to be just a fact related issue.

I've found people dont believe that DS has autism. They usually say - you mean you suspect autism, you dont have a diagnosis. Yes actually we do. But he's normal. No he is not normal, and a psychiatrist and 2 clinical psychologists say so.

I wasn't belived when I told someone that the Dr had sexually assaulted me. No I dont believe that, he wouldnt do that. So I'm lying then?

Non redheads dont believe the abuse you get. When you tell people that you've had strangers ask what colour pubes you have, not many believe that, even Brits.

It's infuriating.

bangingmyhead thats awful, and sounds similar to something that happened to me at work. In my case it was a paperwork issue; I produced evidence that I was right quite quickly, but they wouldn't look at it, did not investigate the facts, and it got all the way to a formal hearing (after 4 weeks of worrying that I could lose my job).

At that point they had to stop as it was clear someone else was responsible, not me (but they hastily left in the mean time, so the company couldn't pursue them in the same way). None of the (senior) people who mishandled it were disciplined, and I still had a minor black mark put on my record, and was threatened with the sack when I asked how that was fair.
I can only say that you're right to try to focus on the people who supported you, I certainly found out who had real integrity. Also trying to focus on how you will do an excellent job because you have integrity, regardless of the stupid behaviour of others. It does fade (I try generally not to dwell like this!), but I wish there was a course on 'being taken seriously'!

This has happened to me and it leaves me feeling so frustrated.

A few times I've been told that I come across as an easygoing type. I don't know if that has any bearing on it, i.e people either assume I won't have paid attention to the details, or that I'm an easy target. I generally have, and no I'm not!

But what is the logical reason for it happening to you a LOT? It doesn't happen to me, I don't think its something that happens to everyone all the time. You are saying basically no-one ever believes you. There has to be a reason, doesn't there?

Grandoleduke, I think the point of the thread was to explore exactly that. It has shown that there are quite few people who have this experience, and quite a few who have said that there must be a reason, because other people can't be making a mistake...
..which illustrates the problem quite well!

I don't think it does at all. As I said, if its one or 2 people who don't trust you, maybe its them. If nobody trusts you, it has to be you, for whatever reason.

I think it is contagious, if you become the person that is not believed the community around you assimilates that and voila you are always wrong or whatever. Even when you are not. I have only had this experience in one environment, so I don't think it is me. It has knocked my confidence though, leading me to doubt myself more, which has meant it then spread a bit beyond that environment.
I do wonder if age has something to do with it, I don't think it was ever an issue in my 20's... now I have the invisibility cloak of age and perhaps a hat of doubt has been placed on my head.

I have this a lot. How old are you? I look a bit younger than I am and have both a regional accent and youthful voice which I think contributes, often people think im a student intern or something at work, I will be asked over and over if I've made a mistake, bosses don't believe when I say no and then they find error came from elsewhere and I never actually get an apology.

Theorchard I think its the opposite with age. A person twice my age at work is more likely to be listened to than me or even younger colleagues.

Forgive the 'user' name. Didn't want to be identified so went NC.

I also get royally pissed off with people not believing too.

Earlier this year, our daughter painted an amazing Star Wars pic for DH's birthday, and it was excellent (she did Art A level and is very good.) DH photographed it and put it on facebook. When he got back to work, he took it to show people, and several people didn't believe she had done it, saying it's 'obviously' a professional pic. DD was flattered saying 'wow it MUST be good!' But it annoyed me a bit.

Then a few months ago, DH acquired a really good camera, and has taken some great photos of birds of prey, foxes, the sun, the moon, and the mountains that are 20 miles from us as the crow flies, amongst some other things.

When he put them on facebook, one woman said 'great pics PMSL.' DH said 'what do you mean PMSL?' She didn't answer. Next day at work, long story short, she didn't believe he has taken the photos, saying they were 'too professional.' He was a bit taken aback but also a bit flattered. But she has done it several times since. She keeps questioning how they can be so clear and professional looking.

I am getting really pissed off with it now. I said to him 'she obviously isn't intelligent enough to realise that people who are not professionals, can still take good photos with a good camera.' I mean why not just call him a liar? That's what she is virtually doing.

Then there are other things like our daughter and her boyfriend rent a little flat for £300 a month, and people just look at me like I am lying when I say it. £300? Really? (head tilt!)

I have also told a few people I met my fave actor several years ago, and spoke to him for 5 minutes. NO-ONE believes me. Not until I show a pic of me with him!

And yeah my DH does the 'not believing me' thing too! (Not often, but occasionally.) And if he loses something then finds it, somewhere he wasn't expecting to find it, he claims that I must have moved it. And once or twice there has been something with the car (like a new little scratch,) and of course he notices it when I have been out in the car, so it's obviously me that did it. Never takes the blame for anything and never admits to being wrong. Grrrrr MEN! (Like I said, it doesn't happen often, but he does do this occasionally!)