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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't intend to go to my mothers funeral

51 replies

user1497997754 · 30/08/2017 18:35

My dad died 7 years ago...not invited as because myself and my husband were going through a difficult time...I was however invited to bury the ashes...I can not forgive my mother and my sister and I have really tried...I have told my daughter that I do not want anything left to me in her will....I have also told my mother this and she has said she will leave everything to my sister and 2 grandchildren and I am really happy about this. I have always had a difficult relationship with her...being the black sheep of the family. Have offered so many times to help her since my dad died but she prefers my sisters help. Always felt rejected by her I always got on better with my dad. I just can't forget the past and have tried to forgive but seem unable to do so. Therefore have told everyone including her that I will not attend her funeral as it wouldn't seem right. Am I a bad person for feeling this way

OP posts:
pradathescammer · 30/08/2017 18:37

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PinkHeart5911 · 30/08/2017 18:40

How cruel of your mother to not let you attend your fathers funeral, I think I'd struggle to forgive such a thing as well!

If you don't want to go, that is your right and yanbu but I would say do think carefully about it and if you've any doubt about going you may regret it later on

SparklyUnicornPoo · 30/08/2017 18:41

YANBU for feeling like it but YABU to tell her, she'll be dead, she won't care if you are there or not but telling everyone you won't be going to her funeral when she isn't even dead yet just sounds like you want drama.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 30/08/2017 18:42

No, you're not a bad person to feel the way you feel. You do what you think is right for you, but I would bear in mind that this is something you can't fix later. If you think you will be comfortable with your decision in years to come, then fine. Funerals are for the living.

Telling her now? I don't know. Seems cruel.

Happytobefree17 · 30/08/2017 18:43

That is horrible not to be allowed to go to your father's funeral. I'm so sorry OP.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/08/2017 18:46

With the greatest respect. I didn't know people needed inviting to funerals. Who is your mother to say whether or not you can attended church. That's God's home, where anyone is welcome.
YANBU BTW. She sounds like she's been a mother to you rather than a mum. If you're not close in life. Why should you be close to her when she dies. There's people in my family I don't like, and I'm certainly not going to start liking them when they croak.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 18:48

Does she usually control with money? What kind of grandparent would leave to one grandchild and not another, never mind her own children?

And how dare she tell you that you couldn't go to your dad's funeral. She could have another husband - you will only have one father and you had just as much right to be there as she did - more so, really.

Brittbugs80 · 30/08/2017 18:53

Are you invited to funerals though? Did she actually say, "you can't come to the funeral"?

We didn't invite people to my Dad's funeral. We put a notice in the paper and general word of mouth. If they knew my Dad and wanted to pay respects, they were welcome.

Redglitter · 30/08/2017 19:00

Did she tell you you weren't welcome at your dad's funeral. Like pp I've never heard of people being invited to funerals. The funeral is arranged you make the details known and people come or dont.

AdoraBell · 30/08/2017 19:02

I made the same decision when I was younger. As time passed I gave myself permission to change my mind in the future.

When it came I didn't attend, and I have no regrets.

This is completely your decision. YWNBU either way. Just do what feels right for you when the time comes.

happypoobum · 30/08/2017 19:02

I am NC with my monstrous mother, and certainly won't attend her funeral, it would wind me up no end to hear people saying (totally false) nice things about the bitch. Nobody would want to hear what I had to say about her - can you imagine?

"Dear friends and family, my mother began abusing me at the age of five..."

However, I don't feel the need to tell anyone about not going.

Are you still in contact with her?

PoorYorick · 30/08/2017 19:05

Is your mother dying?

If you don't intend to attend her funeral you don't have to. But why do you want to tell her so while she is alive? Why not simply not go?

Sometimes funerals are for burying more than a body.

FlyingElbows · 30/08/2017 19:07

I'm on happypoobum's bench. Op, telling everyone just smacks of attention seeking and does nothing for you. I won't attend my mother's funeral but neither is there any need for a big show of my choice. You sound like you're still stuck in a place where you need her attention even though it's shit.

Ultimately the choice is yours. I don't go to funerals at all, it's not compulsory.

PoorYorick · 30/08/2017 19:08

Your OP really has very little objective fact in it. That plus the strange drama of telling your mother you won't be going to her funeral makes me really want to hear the other sides of this.

Original poster
user1497997754 · 30/08/2017 19:17

I have been low contact for quite a while with her....I found out about my fathers death as my ex husband phoned me and told me...apparently my father had told my mother he didn't want me at the funeral so I was not told when it was. My parents have family in Wales and none of them were invited or told when the funeral was....they don't know what they ever did wrong. My mother is a very strange woman...when I had my daughter and obviously love her very much and cuddled her a lot...my mother was really shocked that I behaved that way...telling me that she never cuddled me or my sister as it wasn't the done thing...I am not creating a drama by telling her and my daughter I don't intend to go to her funeral....I just want to make it clear that I have no intention of going....so as not to cause an unpleasant situation when it arises...I don't want to be close to her it's to late now...she talks about her will a lot....which I find really odd...and did say at one stage she was going to change it to include me as we were getting on better...I don't intend to just pretend everything is wonderful just for her to do this...I do love her but its strained....when she does pass away I will be devastated....

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 30/08/2017 19:18

Were you told you couldn't attend your fathers funeral? Folk don't normally send out formal invites...

With regard to your mothers funeral - I agree with others it smacks of drama/attention.

happypoobum · 30/08/2017 19:19

.when she does pass away I will be devastated..

Really? Then maybe there's something worth salvaging? when my mother dies I will feel nothing but relief.

HotelEuphoria · 30/08/2017 19:20

Agreed. I think there is a backstory. You were prevented from attending he funeral because you and your DH weren't getting on? Was he abusive?

AntiGrinch · 30/08/2017 19:20

Your mother's funeral is for you, not her. Decide when the time comes entirely as to what will do you the most good / least harm. And stop talking about it now.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 30/08/2017 19:21

You are painting yourself into a corner here.

It's never too late to be close to someone.

You say you will be devastated when she goes, so there might be a possibility you will want reconsider and by telling everybody you are making it hard for yourself.

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/08/2017 19:24

Ah, you weren't told of his passing...

She sounds toxic - have you thought about going NC? Does she bring anything positive to your life?

grandOlejukeofYork · 30/08/2017 19:24

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, its bloody weird to go around talking about not going to funerals and not wanting anything from the will, about someone who is still alive!
It's all very drama llama attention seeking, isn;t it?

Beebldrama · 30/08/2017 19:25

I'm nc with my dm because she left me to be abused by my father. When my beloved grandma died, my aunt forbid me from attending lest I cause a scene! As if. The funeral directors wouldn't even let me see the coffin before it left for the funeral as they had to 'respect my aunts wishes'. Tosspots.

AlphaStation · 30/08/2017 19:29

Well, you don't really have to attend but neither do you have to tell her beforehand you won't attend her funeral. It's always difficult with parents even if they're difficult, one can miss the lost opportunities that never were there.

pinkingshears · 30/08/2017 19:30

When MY Mother passes I will be upset.
Not for the 'mother' she was able to be, but for the chance of her becoming a proper mother at last, that will finally be over.
So, I understand the devastated remark.

Obvs your Mother has form, if the Welsh rellies were not told /invited either. Simply nasty not to invite you to your Father's funeral (although if it was his wish that is another matter, I guess? :(

You can only attend a Funeral if you know it is happening.
I had an Aunt on my estranged Father's side die and no one told 'my' side of the family so I couldn't attend and I was very upset as I loved her.

My Mother (a piece of work) has told me many times that I wont be 'informed' when either she or her husband die and my half brother probably wont bother to tell me. Not much I can do there.

OP, I dont think you are being a drama-llama.
Just honest about how you feel.
Good luck with it all.
Nowt so queer as folk!