I don't intend to go to my mothers funeral

[user1497997754]

My dad died 7 years ago...not invited as because myself and my husband were going through a difficult time...I was however invited to bury the ashes...I can not forgive my mother and my sister and I have really tried...I have told my daughter that I do not want anything left to me in her will....I have also told my mother this and she has said she will leave everything to my sister and 2 grandchildren and I am really happy about this. I have always had a difficult relationship with her...being the black sheep of the family. Have offered so many times to help her since my dad died but she prefers my sisters help. Always felt rejected by her I always got on better with my dad. I just can't forget the past and have tried to forgive but seem unable to do so. Therefore have told everyone including her that I will not attend her funeral as it wouldn't seem right. Am I a bad person for feeling this way

hmm, no, as she doesn't appear to be dead, I don't think you should be attending a funeral.

Don't you have anything more urgent that requires your attention in the mean time?

if you are really lucky, maybe you will die first, and the dilemma won't arise

She does not bring anything positive to my life ....she hated her father...treated my father badly and told me that she hadn't been happy for 50 years....I don't think she has ever been happy...she doesn't say anything nice about anybody...if anyone offers to help her it's always declined and then moans about it. My sister has had enough my daughter won't visit unless she has someone with her. I think she is lonely and sad now dad has passed away and her home is like a shrine to him. When he was alive she never wanted her family to visit never came to any family get togethers. It was if she wanted my dad all to herself when I used to visit them I would go into the garden to chat to him...she hates the garden...but would come out just to see what we were talking about...no one ever spoke to my dad unless she was there...he wasn't allowed to answer the home phone....not allowed a mobile...she just controlled everything....but not me...I left home at 16 to get away from it all

Nobody gets invited to funerals.

You go if you want to pay your respects or to support others.

Attention seeking.

I didn't go to mine. She certainly didn't notice!

I am not creating a drama by telling her and my daughter I don't intend to go to her funeral....I just want to make it clear that I have no intention of going....so as not to cause an unpleasant situation when it arises...

You are creating an unpleasant situation now by telling her that. Especially since, by the sound of things, she isn't dying. You're trying to cause hurt, upset and drama while she's alive to experience it.

I still don't know precisely what's happened in your family. You've obviously been hurt and mistreated, but you don't seem to handle things well and I would still like to hear the other side. If a whole load of family weren't told about your father's passing, it may not have been about just you. And if he said he didn't want you to know, well, I think your mother made the wrong choice but it might not be her you should want to punish.

I cannot see what you could possibly gain by going around informing your mother and others that you won't be at her funeral when she dies. There can be no intention other than to cause a stir.

You say her death will devastate you, but people will not really believe you if you are already trying to cause upset about it.

You could address your problems with your mother in much less hurtful and dramatic ways (even just going NC), but it doesn't sound as though you want to do that.

But it was your father's decision that you weren't told...

YANBU. However, you need to do what is right for you. Once you have decided not to go you can change your mind and go at the last minute, or perhaps you can do your own private thing to remember her in your own way. Be kind to yourself when others haven't been and work out what is right for you.

I have made a similar decision with a family members funeral. I try not to think about it.

Yes, you say it's your father who didn't want you at his funeral?

The more I think about this, the angrier it's making me.

Your mother isn't dying. You have some vendetta against her, and so you are trying to cause the maximum pain you can - by reminding her that she's going to die, and telling her how you're hoping to twist the knife at her funeral, when she's dead. Not content with telling her and your daughter (why is this her problem???), you're even coming on here to tell a bunch of strangers. And then you turn around and claim you're not trying to cause drama, you're trying to AVOID an unpleasant situation?

Do you think people are stupid as well as callous and unfeeling?

As others have pointed out, it was your father who didn't want you at his funeral, and it sounds as though he didn't want half your family there either, so maybe, just maybe, it isn't all about you.

Perhaps your daughter will not attend your funeral when she sees you acting like this, but maybe she will have some class about it.

First of all, I am sorry that you have been (and obviously still are) so hurt. However ....
'You are painting yourself into a corner here.
It's never too late to be close to someone.
You say you will be devastated when she goes, so there might be a possibility you will want reconsider and by telling everybody you are making it hard for yourself.'

The above is absolutely right. And if you don't go [to your Mother's funeral] when the day comes - you may regret it. Or not. But maybe these rash (possibly?) statements are just that. Please think about this.

YANBU to feel how you do and not attend your mum's funerally when the time comes OP. YABU to tell "everyone" about this now.

Wow, people say downright horrible things to OPs on here, especially you, PoorYorick, there's no need to say that user's daughter might not want to go to her funeral, out of order.

People say things on here precisely because it's anonymous and they can vent, they probably don't speak as strongly in RL. I expect user's mother has known for a long time that she has no relationship with her daughter so won't be surprised at her saying that. We don't know, clearly.

It does sound like her mother's behaviour was toxic and controlling. How can we actually know that her father said he didn't want her at his funeral? Her mother said so, but it does seem that she wanted him to herself, and she kept a lot of people from coming, not just the OP.

Does anyone really care who will come to their funeral anyway?

Yes, she might be attention seeking to a certain extent, we all do it sometimes. And when treated badly by a parent, is it any wonder?

If OPs mother was kinder to her, more compassionate and a nicer person- OP wouldn't feel as she does.

Of course OP is perfectly right to feel the way she does.

I just think that some bridges are best left intact.

The way forward here is no-contact at all. If your daughter doesn't want to see her either, she shouldn't. By telling her you won't go to her funeral you are giving her power, power to tell others what a mean spiteful person you are and that's why she didn't let you go to your dads funeral etc etc. You need to rise above it all and not care what she says or does and who she leaves her money to. I think you should get some counselling to help you get to that point and you will feel happier for it. The only way to win at this 'game' is to stop playing the game. I speak from experience. Good luck

Wow, people say downright horrible things to OPs on here, especially you, PoorYorick, there's no need to say that user's daughter might not want to go to her funeral, out of order.

The fuck? Why is it so wrong to ask OP how she would feel if her own daughter did exactly what she is doing?

Does anyone really care who will come to their funeral anyway?

Of course not, they're dead. But they care when they're alive, so that's the only reason OP has for announcing it to everyone now.

Besides, if nobody cares about who comes to their funeral, why do you think I'm wrong for asking OP how she'd feel about it?

OP's not wrong for not attending a funeral but it's pretty nasty to make a huge scene about it before it's even on the agenda. And to drag the kid into it too!

I agree with mittens and others.
I'm sorry user that you have had such crappy things in your iife. I dont think you were attention seeking either. I think maybe you were hoping that on hearing you say that, your family would realise how hurt you have been by them. Perhaps your mother might then begin to make amends for how she's treated you in tbe past.
If this is the case it shows your resilient and optimistic nature. 😀 However one of the downsides of having such a mindset is we can often hope for things that are, in fact, hopeless.
I reckon that you would find it easier to start protecting yourelf from toxic people by finding a good counsellor/therapist/psychologist. I really wish you all the best in finding ways to recover from trauma, grief and any mental/physical health conditions.

I agree, HoofWanking, I think people who have loving parents just don't get the hurt people feel when parents have mistreated or abused them. It's devastating, and hence user's comments are not surprising at all.

That doesn't mean she'll feel the same when her mother does in fact die.

Actually the sad thing is, it doesn't sound like her mother even cares that she feels that way. That's why asking her how she'd feel if her DD said that is not a valid comparison, as it's a totally different relationship.

I just feel so sad about the way I feel about it all. I think I prob would benefit from some kind of counselling I will speak to my GP about it. I don't like the way I feel about it I am quite a laid back person and def a yes person. When I am with my mother she has the ability to make me feel so small and bad about myself and when I go to see her I feel really pleased but come away feeling emotionally exhausted. I have brought my daughter up with the mind set that if she is involved with anybody who makes her feel anything less than the lovely person she is then she should minimise the contact as it is draining and the more of yourself you give the more they want and the less you have for yourself in this life. Thank you for all your comments and I can see I prob need to take a back seat about her and live my own life and not see her because in the past when I have done this my life is less stressful and I am able to actually relax and not worry so much.

Actually the sad thing is, it doesn't sound like her mother even cares that she feels that way. That's why asking her how she'd feel if her DD said that is not a valid comparison, as it's a totally different relationship.

Well, like most of your previous comment and OP's posts, this is pure speculation. We do not know what the mother thinks or feels (although some of us definitely know what we want her to think and feel). I could add to the endless conjecture on almost no information and say I believe OP's daughter hates her and their relationship is exactly the same. Why not? It's as well founded as half the comments on here.

OP has no obligation to attend the funeral, but making a big announcement about it well ahead of the time is nothing but an attempt to stir up hate and drama. It's also a little insulting to our intelligence to be told she's doing it to AVOID an unpleasant scene. There's absolutely nothing inappropriate about asking her how she'd feel if her daughter did the same.

This shouldn't be relevant, but since you think it is, I had a violent abusive father who is now dead, so I am not coming at this from a place of roses and unicorn farts. Just a place of 'what in the hell are you trying to accomplish? And who is it actually going to harm?'

You know, OP, I'm going to swallow my irritation and try to be kind here. I suspect that the reason you are trying to hurt your mother here (and you are clearly trying to hurt her) is because she has hurt you. You feel powerless and perhaps this is the only way you can think of to communicate to her just how hurt you are.

Despite some people's insistence that she must be pretty much sociopathic, I highly doubt it's that simple. From what little I can gather, she was married to a man who had no relationship with half her family, including their own child. Your family sounds all sorts of fucked up and whatnot. Whatever happened or didn't happen, I cannot see your mother as being a happy woman.

It's understandable to want to hurt someone who's hurt you, but ultimately it is, as the saying goes, like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die and telling them ten years before that you won't be at their funeral. You will not find peace by trying to hurt her, and you aren't setting a good example to your daughter. If there's really nothing to gain by having your mother in your life, perhaps NC is the way to go. No vitriol, no poison, simply removing the thorn. If you don't want to attend her funeral when it happens, then don't, but don't try to add pain and complication to it by telling everyone before it's even on the agenda. I mean, Christ, for all we know you might unexpectedly go first and then you'll look a right tit.

(That was supposed to be a joke, before anyone jumps on me.)

It's quite obvious your announcement to all and sundry hasn't made you happy anyway, or you wouldn't be posting about it here.

Probably no one, just expressing her hurt. I don't think she's trying to benefit anyone, as she herself has admitted, her relationship with her mother is complex. And you're right, we don't know, so that's why judging her as a selfish drama queen is OTT based on the thread.

FWIW, I'm sorry to hear how it was with your father, I had one who was like that. We all express our hurt in our own ways,

I do agree that she's lashing out because of being hurt. And she herself is talking about having low level contact, so maybe NC would be preferable, so there's less chance of her DD being messed up by all the poison in her family.

Fuck them. I didn't go to my Dad's because I'm NC with my mother and I couldn't trust myself to be in the same room as her after she sent someone to tell me he was dying then pissed off on holiday, leaving him to die alone.

I won't go to hers. She doesn't deserve the attention.

And you're right, we don't know, so that's why judging her as a selfish drama queen is OTT based on the thread.

I have been very careful not to use such blunt terms or to name call. But yes, I do think it's fair to say she is trying to cause drama. It's clearly borne of a place of hurt, but it's damaging her and worse, it will have an effect on her daughter. And ultimately, it has clearly not made her feel any better.

This is quite clearly a very complex and painful situation about which we still know very very little objective fact. Just about the only thing I can say with any certainty is that telling everyone that she won't be there when her mother is buried has not helped OP, and there are more constructive ways of handling her pain and grief.