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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd if you can't have relationship with a certain person

77 replies

Lottey90 · 30/08/2017 18:16

Basically more of a wwyd.

You have strong feelings for someone and he's all you want. The guy has strong feelings for you too. And your good together. You just can't be together.
Do you cut them out of your life or keep them as a friend?

I don't think I could see him with someone else and I really can't imagine being with another guy. Would it get easier.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/08/2017 18:56

It sounds as if you would but he won't - for family reasons. Unless this is something that both of you want and are prepared to progress then I'd break off contact because there's no future in it.

Don't be eating your heart out for somebody who isn't doing the same for you...

Original poster
Lottey90 · 30/08/2017 18:56

Culture basically ..... plenty of people do work past that.... but I have no way of knowing if we can or he will..... it's a little bit too soon for that yet. But like I say I don't want to waste my time or set myself up for a problem further down the line.

I think it's a case of me putting up for a little while and seeing how it goes.... or just dropping it isn't it?

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 30/08/2017 18:58

I'm not sure what you want us to say.

You say the situation is:

Both of you would like to be in a relationship.
You can't because you're "pretty sure" his family wouldn't like it.

Surely the point is whether HE is prepared to risk his family's displeasure and start a relationship with you? If he is, stop angsting and get together. If he isn't, then that's your answer.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 30/08/2017 18:58

*Gorgosparta Wed 30-Aug-17 18:41:36
Well its not that you cant be together.

Its that its difficult and either you or he has decided its not worth the hassle.*

^^ this, sorry. Sounds like that while he has feelings for you, those feelings are anywhere near as strong as you think they are.

Cut him off. Spend some time getting over him. Find someone who loves you back.

It could well be if you don't have many other friends around you, that you have giving him too much importance. You need to build a new friendship network - even if you could make this work with him, a couple with no outside friends is never healthy.

pictish · 30/08/2017 18:58

Culture. What does that mean?

Evelynismyspyname · 30/08/2017 18:59

OK - atm this man is your friend.

You would like to be a couple.

Does he know you would like to be a couple?

Have you actually had a clear and honest discussion about your feelings and wishes?

Has he said he'd like to be a couple?

Has he said that it isn't possible because his family won't accept you?

Or is all this you projecting your feelings and making assumptions?

If you know they won't accept you without him having said so, there must be a really big reason - either a huge age gap, or something that his family would see as a big cultural or religious incompatibility, or something big in your background you think they'd find out about (drug problems or mental health problems in your past - or something as ordinary as you already having children)...

As long as you're both over 21 though, if you are both equally determined to be together then he'd surely tell his family to like it or lump it...

Original poster
Lottey90 · 30/08/2017 19:03

*invisible. Maybe I have been giving him a bit too much importance yeah.... not that he doesn't deserve it. But maybe too much. In real life (as in not on this thread) he seems way more into me than I am to him, in the things he says. I try not to show my feelings as much. Like I would put it in my head we are going out for food or whatever as friends, and he would accidentally say something about relationship and you can tell him his face when he says it , he's like ffs Blush.

Had a tough time lately in my personal life so that may be adding to how I'm feeling

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/08/2017 19:04

Are you related to each other ?

happypoobum · 30/08/2017 19:05

Culture - do you mean race? Class?

Gorgosparta · 30/08/2017 19:05

So he is dropping hintd about being a couple whilst also telling you, you cant be a couple?

Sounds like he is playing you

Original poster
Lottey90 · 30/08/2017 19:07

Not dropping hints as such. He genuinely doesn't mean to say it. So I don't think it's a case of playing me. We went related no haha.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
LineysRun · 30/08/2017 19:09

Race / religion / age / class.

Or he's a knob. Who knows.

Ellisandra · 30/08/2017 19:10

You are coming across a bit "PM me hun" Grin
Just spit it out - what cultural issues means you (or he) can't make adult decisions without worrying about his family?

viques · 30/08/2017 19:11

Lottey you say in one post that" it is a little bit too soon" so I assume that this is a relatively new relationship. .in that case, no need to hurry, especially if you foresee possible problems in the future. take your time, enjoy each other's company but let the relationship develop, if it is meant to be it will be , you will have plenty of time together so no need to push things or put pressure on yourselves or on the relationship by thinking you have to make life changing decisions while things are still fluid.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 30/08/2017 19:11

Why can't you be together? Is he married?

Gorgosparta · 30/08/2017 19:12

Course he means it.

How do keep accidentally mentioning a relationship with someone you cant have one with. If he doesnt want to hurt or confuse you, he would be on his guard to not say anything that hints at more than just friends.

PantPlot · 30/08/2017 19:13

How long have you actually known each other?

EddChinasVagina · 30/08/2017 19:15

HmmHmmHmmHmm stop being so bloody cryptic and come out with the details already!

pictish · 30/08/2017 19:16

This is totally 'pm me hun'. Good description.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 30/08/2017 19:16

Yes please OP. Exactly what Edd said.

Original poster
Lottey90 · 30/08/2017 19:17

I don't really want to out myself too much.... not 'pm me hun' at all.. I just don't think knowing the exact reason why is needed Blush

Thanks viques... perhaps I think I'm over thinking it at this stage .

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 30/08/2017 19:17

You have strong feelings for someone and he's all you want. The guy has strong feelings for you too. And your good together
All good.

You just can't be together
Unless he's inextricably married, has children (most important issue, if one) or his family will harm you, do it.

AntiGrinch · 30/08/2017 19:18

Is he Asian and you not, or vice versa, and one of you is expected to marry into a certain religion / culture?

SouthernNorthernGirl · 30/08/2017 19:19

It really is a bit PM me though, isn't it?
The answer does kind of depend on the reason too, yes.

NYConcreteJungle · 30/08/2017 19:22

Does be expect you to convert to his religion?

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