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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to my friend?

32 replies

blackjeansandcardigan · 30/08/2017 13:24

My friend is liable to cancel the meet ups that we've arranged either the night before or sometimes just a couple of hours before we're meant to meet up. Even when we're arranging them she uses language like she's "probably free" or "that should suit". Then she tells me that the time of an appointment has been changed and she can't see me, or she has something else to organise during the time that we're meant to be going out for coffee.

This has been going on for months now and I've come to expect that she'll cancel at the last minute, yet I've always said "no problem" and been fairly sympathetic. I'm beginning to feel hurt that she's always too busy for me, even when she's suggested the meet up in the first place. WIBU to say something? What should I say? I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad, but surely it's not fair on me?

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/08/2017 13:27

Just say you've noticed that she's cancelled on quite a few things last minute recently... And ask if everything's ok at home / work / whatever.

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/08/2017 13:28

Either she's depressed and making it up or she doesn't really like you much and trying to play it cool.

olderandnowiser · 30/08/2017 13:35

I used to have a friend like this and I eventually worked out that she was happy to make an arrangement with me unless she got a better offer.

I only made arrangements if it were a group of us going somewhere, so it didn't matter if she cried off or not, I could still go with the others.

Actually although she was fun she was always selfish.

Original poster

blackjeansandcardigan · 30/08/2017 13:41

I don't understand because she's just recently been away for a few days with some of her other friends, and she's always nice when I do talk to her. I don't think she would ever want to deliberately hurt me. It doesn't make any sense

OP posts:

DramaQueenofHighCs · 30/08/2017 13:42

I have anxiety and do stuff like that all the time. My anxiety takes over and I just can't face going out and being social. Mind you, my close friends know I have anxiety so I only arrange stuff with them so when I have to cancel they understand why.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 13:43

Just stop making plans with her. She's flaky.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2017 13:55

Why do you keep making plans with her to be let down again and again.
Stop making plans with her.
When she suggests something just say 'you never stick to any plans, so let's not make any'
Job done!

Columbine1 · 30/08/2017 13:56

I have a VERY similar friend.... Hope she hasn't doubles booked you & I for later this week! :)
Even down to the getting it together to go on holiday with other friends...!
I've stopped refusing other things for her (SO irritating!)..& my partner knows that I usually become available again at the last moment! :/

Columbine1 · 30/08/2017 13:58

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt as she has MH issues... But approx 7? last minute cancellations later...

Original poster

blackjeansandcardigan · 30/08/2017 14:03

Yes columbine it's becoming embarrassing having to tell my family that it's not happening AGAIN...

I haven't stopped making plans with her because I genuinely do like her and she's been lovely in other ways. I just keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. It seems very harsh just to say I'm not making plans with her again. Plus I don't really have very many friends so if I cut her off I literally won't have anyone to meet up with.

OP posts:

Anecdoche · 30/08/2017 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/08/2017 14:08

So she's your only friend - is it just you asking her out? If so, and she's being lukewarm, I don't think she likes you so much unfortunately

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/08/2017 14:09

I mean - does she ever ask YOU to meet up? Or is it one-sided?

BenLui · 30/08/2017 14:09

Just speak to her about it. Next time she wants to meet just say nicely: "are you definitely going to be able to make it, bec

Sara107 · 30/08/2017 14:10

Some people are quite happy to drop an arrangement if something better comes along! If it's a new thing and she was previously reliable then speak to her in case she is having some sort of problems like anxiety, or a sick family member that she hasn't wanted to mention for some reason. If everything seems fine, or she has always been flaky, then don't try planning - if you have a free few hours and fancy seeing her just phone up and say are you free for coffee now?

becotide · 30/08/2017 14:10

you just haeve to accept that she's a flake. Instead of making plans to do stuffwith her, get her to ring you ten minutes before to arrange stuff. She's selfish and lazy, tbh I wouldn't bother too much with her

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2017 14:11

There are some people who are just heinously busy and do have to change plans regularly for some reason or other - and they work out quickly who they're most likely to be able to "dump" for other plans, without them getting the hump.

If you're fed up of being the one who always gets binned off for a better offer, then say something. Tell her that you're hurt, that you really don't like being passed over for something else, and that you won't keep making plans with her unless she actually turns up for something.

This might move you higher up the "keep this one sweet" list.

AfunaMbatata · 30/08/2017 14:11

I'd invite her to her favourite restaurant and not turn up.

PowerPantsRule · 30/08/2017 14:11

She is waiting to see if a better offer come up or if she feels like it on the day. I think you should talk to her about it. It's not fair on you.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 30/08/2017 14:11

I am guilty of doing this, 4 very young children and anxiety puts paid to most of my plans. I am very aware that I let my friends down and the ones I am close enough to know exactly why. I find most social interactions exhausting. Ask her if she is ok? Offer to do something else that is less public?

BenLui · 30/08/2017 14:13

Oops! That should have finished "because it's hurtful when you cancel at the last minute"

Her feelings aren't more important than yours! She might not mean to hurt you but she is. You need to tell her.

Emmeline123 · 30/08/2017 14:16

Definitely say something. I hate this.

I would wait until she next suggests something. Then say eg, "Okay, Thursday suits me, but will it definitely go ahead?" And if she says, "Yes, why?" say, "It's just that we haven't managed to actually meet on previous occasions when I'd left the evening free" or somesuch.

If you did have a lot of friends I would be putting this one firmly down the pecking order. I once had a friend so flaky/ignorant that she cancelled on me 7 Saturdays in a row (due to work we could only meet at weekends). She would usually cancel on the day, and it would be for a reason that she must have known about beforehand. On one occasion she left me sitting at a bus station for 2 hours while not answering her phone only to tell me when she eventually answered that she'd had to go for a haircut. I said that I was absolutely done with it. She begged to have another chance. I gave in. We met up. Then the next time we were to meet up, she cancelled on the day. Game over. I have no regrets.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 30/08/2017 14:16

I've had 2 people cancel on me for other people this week. I agree, flaky people are shit.

Nikephorus · 30/08/2017 14:24

when she says she is probably free then say ok well let me know when you are sure that you are free because you cancel on me a lot and it's better if you know for sure you can come rather than cancelling at the last minute.
This ^^

Composteleana · 30/08/2017 14:36

I have a very flaky friend. Everything we arranged it was always 50/50 whether it would actually happen or not. She is a genuinely sweet girl who I know means no harm but she is 1) far too optimistic/deluded about how many things she can do in a day and 2) ridiculously scared of offending anyone by saying no, even though she ends up upsetting far more people by agreeing to everything and then not being able to follow through.

I did say something, though I had left it to the point that i was so fed up and pretty hurt actually so it was more a case of me blowing up at her and ending the friendship. I wish I'd said something sooner so it didn't get to that. As it turns out she got back in touch after a year or so, she'd missed me and realised how much she'd upset me, I realised my part in it and we were able to go back to being friends. What I will say is that it's not exactly the same friendship as I am no longer as invested, I keep things at a bit more of a distance and don't plan anything too big with her - so it's more like a coffee in town and a mooch around the shops than a big night out, that way if it's cancelled I can still carry on and do it alone.

I think you've got the option to either carry on as is and keep getting let down and hurt, or raise it and say 'is everything ok, you've cancelled a lot lately and I've missed seeing you?' and see if she either opens up about what's causing her flakiness or realises she's taking the piss and bucks her ideas up. Either way I'd really look at developing other friendships and interests too so you're not so reliant on her.

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