To hope DH ditches the motorbike?

[putputput]

DH was an avid biker in his teens and early twenties. He gradually gave it up and there was no bike when we met. About a year in to our relationship he brought another bike which became a labour of love as he painstakingly restored it. He then started going out more regularly on it. He's since brought a second bike. He doesn't take the piss- prior plans and arrangements come before the bike and spending is fairly limited.

The problem is recently I feel sick with fear every time he goes out on the bike. I'm 30weeks pregnant and terrified of him not coming home in one piece. It bothers me so much now I'm a nervous wreck, used to be fine and happily pillion on the back. I've worked in a&e and seen first hand what happens to even the most sensible of riders.

I've tried to explain this to him. He gives lots of reassurance but he loves riding and won't give it up. I think if I completely put my foot down he would stop but then I feel like I'm forcing him in to it. AIBU to ask him to pack it in?

Of course you are. The issue here is your anxiety, not his riding.

So long as he is wearing all the right equipment i think you need to let him do what he enjoys

He wears the right equipment, rides safely. But it still only takes one car not looking properly. He lost a friend to a motorbike crash 3 years ago. I really don't think I'm over estimating the risk. I've spoken to victims families about organ donation, that sticks with you.
I guess I was hoping that as baby got closer to arriving he'd come to the conclusion to give it up by himself but I don't think there's a chance of that now.

You can't 'put your foot down'. That'd be controlling.

I get why you're worried but you really can't stop him.

DP's friend died a couple of years ago doing a hobby they both loved, leaving behind a partner and two young children. So yes, it's scary when he goes out there but he loves doing it and so long as it doesn't take over our lives, I'm happy to support him.

I think if I completely put my foot down he would stop but then I feel like I'm forcing him in to it.

You would be forcing him to. It's controlling behaviour.

Not your decision as to whether he continues or not.

You are right to have concerns. Those involved in motorcycle accidents often don't fare well. There is a significant risk.
You could explain how you feel and ask him to restrict his hobby to fine weather and low speeds at least. You could ask him to stop but offer/suggest an alternative adrenaline rush activity.

You can make sure he's very well insured with high payout personal accident and life cover. Nobody wants to think this but in worst case the last thing you need is financial worries too.

YANBU.

It's dangerous. Many people who drive do so because it makes their lives easier or they may need to because of where they work/live.
Generally people who ride do so because they enjoy it. It is more dangerous and I don't think it's unreasonable to feel fear when your OH takes part in a dangerous activity for pleasure when you have a tiny baby on the way.

I got bizarrely protective of my DH when I was pregnant. I understand where you're coming from. The fear itself is rational, the sudden increase in fear or irrational.

I've also worked in A&E at a regional trauma centre and completely understand where you are coming from. Can well imagine your DP might not get it though, I'm always surprised by how many ambulance staff ride motorbikes.

Oh gosh, I'm torn on this one.
My DH had a powerful motorbike when we met. When it looked like we were getting serious he sold it. It coincided with one of his work colleagues being killed in a motorbike accident and he said with a partner and stepkids to think about he didn't feel safe enough anymore.
He still has a classic car which he restores to keep his hand in. That's a labour of love.
I can definitely relate to your concerns, but I'm not one for telling my husband what he can and can't do.
I must admit though, it's a bit of a relief he's not on his bike anymore.

Paramedics call bikers organ donors in our area. Controlling or not, I have pointed out how selfish it would be to risk death and leaving me and the children alone for a bit of fun. My husband has not got a bike. He cares more about us than a dangerous hobby where you are statistically more likely to be severely injured. YANBU

I get it. We live in motorbike death central and dh is getting to an age which appears to figure regularly as the age omen are killed o n bikes. He's always said he'll be fine cos he knows how to ride. It's not his riding that worries ne - it's other people. He gave up finally after a scary near miss and a reminder that he has 2 small children.

He's now a MAMIl, so I don't kn I w what's worse.

I think yabu, he is an adult and if he enjoys his bike why should he have to give it up just because you don't like it. You need to work on your anxiety about this

My dh has had a bike for as long as I have known him, yes sometimes when he is out on it I get nervous but I'd never ask him to stop going out on it. He enjoys it and it makes him happy. Dh has been riding for years and years and never had an accident ( touch wood he never will)

Oh goodness this is a tricky one. I can understand your concerns and I think you are right to make them clear to your DH, but I do think this needs to be his decision at the end of day, not yours.

Restricting someone, giving an ultimatum or trying to change them is never going to work, maybe when you have the baby DH will pause to think. In the meantime if he buys the best gear he can afford and promises not to be an idiot then he probably sees that as being reasonable.

Best thing you can do is get him to buy the best kit he can. It's the only thing that saved my husbands life.

Ultimately it's his decision as crap as it sounds. You can't force someone to give something up. Common sense would say he'd give it up without being asked, but if that isn't happening then you do your best to minimise the risks.

I'm in exactly the same situation. DH has had a motorbike for about 4 years now, and whilst I was happy to ride on the back of it, I always worried when he went to work on it or out with his friends. I know he's a very safe driver and sensible on the roads, but it's not his driving I'm worried about - it's other road users that might not see him. I'm now 38 weeks pregnant and am very scared something might happen to him, my fear of this has definitely increased since I've been pregnant. What makes it worse is that his DB died in a motorbike accident years ago, so I've seen firsthand that these things do happen.

We have managed to come to a compromise though. He rides his bike to work and I have a tracking app on my phone so I can make sure he gets there safely which eases my anxiety a bit (I should stress that this is the only reason I track his location, we don't use it for anything else, although tbh he's with me most of the time when he's not at work anyway so I've no reason to see what he's up to!), and he has agreed to sell the sports motorbike and just keep the sensible motorbike for commuting and the odd Sunday morning ride. It's not ideal because I still worry that he's going to leave me and the baby behind, but I don't agree with stopping anyone from doing what they want to do. He comes from a family of bikers so it wouldn't be fair for me to put a ban on it completely. You just have to trust that whilst he is in danger on the roads, that his driving is safe enough that he won't put himself in any additional danger (for example, I have a friend who won't let her DP get a motorbike because he is a reckless driver, and I totally get that. At least I know my DH is sensible and drives within the speed limits).

If you actually did stop him it would be controlling and you don't want to go down that route.

That said, I do understand how you feel and if DP suddenly got himself a motorbike I wouldn't be doing cartwheels about it.

I can understand how you feel op, I don't have a dp with a motorbike but I drive a car and always give bikers an allowance to pass me as I'd rather see them off in the distance than floating around or near me.

It really does just take one slack glance into a blind spot to miss a motorcyclist.

Saying that I wouldn't put my foot down and stop him, there are many risks in life and we can't prevent all off them.

The cold months are coming and as far as I'm aware that usually puts a stop to it for most motorcyclists.

Hopefully over time your anxiety will pass but maybe your dp can check in with you on his travels to put you at ease for now.

I understand exactly how you feel. My husband rides and I can't shake the feeling that one day a police officer will come to my door, grim faced and telling me he's not coming back and I'm now raising three children alone.

He's a sensible rider but you can't bank on other road users behaviour not putting his life at risk, no matter how safely he rides. I've seen cars pull across the white line in front of bikes just to stop them overtaking, just the sight of a bike seems to bring out the rage in some road users and I hope my husband is lucky enough never to encounter such behaviour himself.

I would love for him to say he's selling the bike, but when he steps through the door so exhillareted from a good ride, I can't take that away from him. He knows the risks but it gives him joy.

It's my job to hide my insecurities and sound pleased for him. It's his choice & the choices I would make are not the choices he has to make.

I think you have to swallow your fears, unfortunately.

Urgh, your are being UR but I don't think you can really ask him to stop.

It's very cold comfort but you can make sure he's life and bike insured up to the hilt, though. And that he's only out in safe conditions and not tearing over Hardcastle Pass during an ice storm.

NOT!! You are not NOT!! being unreasonable! Sorry...

I've been married to a committed biker for years - started it all when eldest was 3 and never stopped. its a worry and i do tend to think 'what if' everytime he goes out on it or when he is away but you do learn to put it on the back burner a bit - there isnt much else you can do. sorry i;m not much help to you and i can see your point of view. I hate them myself but i have learnt to control my fears over the years. you just have to. Either that or just tell him how you feel.

Good point about kit. We were out on Sunday and lost count of the number of bikers we saw in shorts FFS.