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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder what my friend was thinking

37 replies

dollydimplenotsosimple · 29/08/2017 21:04

About three years ago I cut contact with a friend. I was at my lowest ebb after a personal trauma and she capitalised on it making me feel even worse. I'd had my reservations about her prior to this because of the way she spoke about people close to her...she'd tell us personal information about others and was downright gossipy. When she was downright nasty to me I cut contact with her but continued to see other friends (I never mentioned her again to them beyond being clear about what she'd done and that my mind was made up to sever all ties) this woman panicked and tried to maintain contact for sometime but it was ignored by me as I recovered from aforementioned difficult period. my friends supported my decision bar one who sided with the ex friend.

Anyway fast forward three years and my DH and I have bought a new house which we love. We moved in and I invited my friends round for an sort of housewarming/girls night in.

Lo and behold one of my friends (well call her Leanne) brought ex friend along with her! It was so awkward! They all got a taxis and turned up together. The other girls were mortified that she'd brought along and actually agreed to come.

I wouldn't be rude to anyone but I had nothing to say to her. My DH was heading out when they arrived and was gobsmacked when he saw her sauntering in, having a good look at the house. After the hurt she caused he can't stand her and didn't acknowledge her as he left.

She spent the night not saying very much at all and I'm not entirely sure why she wanted to be there. I tried to be civil to her when I actually wanted to tell her to fuck off out my house along with Leanne.

AIBU to think wtf and should I contact the friend who invited her along without telling me and give her both barrels.

I should add that I've never cut contact with anyone before and I don't want to sound like a drama queen because I'm really not.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/08/2017 21:06

I would. Neither of those women is a friend of yours. I wish you'd stopped her coming into the house.

YellowFlower201 · 29/08/2017 21:07

Yes you should tell your other friend you are not impressed that she brought her along. Did Leanne know you'd fallen out?

BenLui · 29/08/2017 21:08

She invited someone to your house without asking? Confused

I'd be pretty annoyed about that let alone the fact she brought along someone who had been horrible to you.

I wouldn't "give both barrels" I suspect they are both looking for drama.

I would not invite Leanne to any future gatherings at my house.

Original poster
dollydimplenotsosimple · 29/08/2017 21:10

yellow

She knew full well. I was clear when it all happened and she was actually one of the first people who was aware of the situation

OP posts:
sonjadog · 29/08/2017 21:10

Did Leanne know about the falling out?

sonjadog · 29/08/2017 21:11

Oh, x-post. Then I might enquire why on earth she brought her along?

LynetteScavo · 29/08/2017 21:11

So Leanne wasn't the one who rides with ex-friend?

I have no idea what Leanne was thinking. I wouldn't completely cut her out of my life, I just wouldn't really bother with her any more. No more invitation to nights in or Birthday/Christmas cards.

Actually, u might ask Leanne first wtf she was thinking.

mumofone234 · 29/08/2017 21:17

Do you think it was a misguided attempt to make you patch it up? Although even if that's the case it's really out of order.

Original poster
dollydimplenotsosimple · 29/08/2017 21:25

At best I think it might have been an attempt to make us become friends again which is not going to happen.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 29/08/2017 22:15

I think I would but Leanne off my Christmas card list.

And would tell her why.

Anecdoche · 29/08/2017 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Couchpotato3 · 29/08/2017 22:21

I think I would ask Leanne what she was thinking. You do remember what happened with x, don't you? Why did you think it would be OK to bring her along to my house without even asking me?

Grovelling apology and admission that it was a terrible error of judgement would be the only way forward for me with Leanne.

What did your other friends say/do when they saw Leanne? Did anyone say anything to you at the time or afterwards?

ChasedByBees · 29/08/2017 22:35

Shame you didn't stop them both coming in.

GoodLuckTime · 29/08/2017 22:35

OP think some people, especially women finding ending friendships a massive taboo and try to intervene to stop it.

I cut contact with an old friend a while ago. We'd been close for more than a decade, over ten years but I'd come to see our friendship was codependent and that she (probably unconsciously) would sabotage things for me when she could - she had a vested interest in me being a failure.

So I ended the friendship. Initially cut contact and then once I'd had some space gave her a direct and measured acknowledgement that I'd don't so (so not an explanation, exactly).

This was about 10 years ago now, nevertheless, for a while since, at least five years, mutual friends put pressure on me to 'get back together' with her. Nothing as extreme as your example (she lived abroad or it may have happened) but sustained pressure that your shouldn't loose friends, she was really hurt etc.

Never mind that the friendship had been damaging to me for several years prior to ending it. What was further annoying was I had similarly been dumped by another close friend in the circle many years prior to this, and as far as I know overtures were not made to her to make up with me (or maybe they were) indeed the friend in question used to rather gloat about how close they still were on the pretext of sympathising with me over it.

ANYWAY yes I think you should say something to the friend that brought her along. Not acceptable for either of them to try to manipulate you like this. Just trying to offer some insight into motivations.

Honestly think the whole thing is part of the patriarchal trope that requires women to 'be nice'. So nice that we are supposed to wear relationships that damage us with a smile on our face to make it easier for everyone else. Um, NO

Gemini69 · 29/08/2017 22:38

regardless of the intention.. this should have been discussed before simply arriving unannounced.. very poor taste ..

I'd close the door on both of them Flowers

Original poster
dollydimplenotsosimple · 29/08/2017 22:43

My husband's eyes were on stalks when he saw her. She seemed quite brazen when she came in but my DH's refusal to acknowledge her put her on the back foot and she was quite quiet after that.

It really is a taboo to put an end to a friendship. Perhaps when I did end it I didn't go about it he best way and did not give her an explanation on the basis that she'd been so nasty that I didn't see the point in going over it again.

OP posts:
NikiBabe · 29/08/2017 22:45

I would just treat the friend who brought her along to the same treatment. Drop her without a word.

Dont make a fuss, they will know they got to you. Just drop the other friend too.

Willow2017 · 29/08/2017 22:51

Awful behaviour by both of them.
Ex friend just wanted a nosey at your new house and Leanne was an idiot.
Nobody has the right to try to force someone to be friends with someone who has hurt them, yo have the right to tell them to sod off and mean it, forever.
There is this daft thing that women must be 'nice' to everyone and forgiving and put past offences against us behind us and move on. Sod that. Your life you decide who is in it, you dont need toxic friends.

Rip Leanne a new one. You should have turned them both away at the door, told them to jump back in their taxi and sod off. What a nerve!

BrainSaysNo · 29/08/2017 22:51

That's really out of order.
Even if her heart was in the right place and she was clumsily making an attempt for you to become friends again, you cant do this by turning up and one party does not know, and especially into your home.

BenLui · 29/08/2017 22:54

I think Good makes an excellent point - people don't like it if you drop friends, even if they've been very unkind.

Dolly I feel even looking at this from the most generous perspective it's an incredibly manipulative way to go about it.

Original poster
dollydimplenotsosimple · 29/08/2017 22:59

I agree. The friend who sided with ex friend made a huge show of not taking sides when I explained my position on the friendship and why I'd ended it. However, it was very clear in the weeks, months and now years following that she was very much in the other person's camp. It stung a bit at the time because I'd been very careful to not slag anyone off. My DH gave me good advice to only explain my position once to people in very clear terms and then leave it as it's uncomfy for other people and it also makes it look like they've got to you. I heeded this advice and it had worked until she turned up at my door 🙄

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 29/08/2017 23:02

I honestly can't understand why you let them in.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2017 23:04

I say Leanne is a viper in the grass you should stay well away from.

BenLui · 29/08/2017 23:24

Staples I'm pretty forthright and bolshie but even I'd find it hard to shut the door in someone's face.

FuckYouLinda · 29/08/2017 23:26

They both wanted a good nosy so they could have a bitch about your house together afterwards.

Dump the 'friend'.

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