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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stick to the boundaries

42 replies

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 18:33

I have posted more times than I can count about abusive cunt exH.

We've just been through a year of court, culminating in non mol order, live with order (lives with me) and set contact times.

These are:
Every other weekend from school (3pm) Friday, until 5pm Sunday.

Wednesdays 'from school' until 6pm.

DS is in last week of nursery and starting school in Sept.
we've had 4 weeks so far of the order.

He knows it's 3:30pm on Wednesdays, as it's 'from school' hours.

He pushes boundaries constantly. Absolutely constant.

Went to collect DS today, turns out he has called nursery and said he will be collecting at 10am tomorrow.
I know nothing about this.
When they asked if he'd run it by me, he told them he has parental responsibility and rights and it's his day and he can do what he wants. He doesn't need permission from me.

NURSery have suggested that they call him and tell him that unless I give permission (ie he asks me!) that they aren't able to release DS until 3:30 as per arrangement.

Part of me thinks I'm being hugely unreasonable because other than wasting a day of nursery fees/lunch fees that I didn't need to spend, it doesn't actually impact on me, but I feel like this is one more way that he is pushing the boundaries and if I don't draw a line he will just push more (this is what he does - used to take him and refuse to return him because his rights, used to threaten to collect from nursery without permission, used to threaten to not return him etc etc etc)

I'd he'd have said he wanted to take him out and run it by me it would have been fine but he can't just unilaterally decide? Or can he?

OP posts:
LesbianBadger · 29/08/2017 18:38

In my understanding if a court order is in place he has to stick to it. He cannot just decide to pick him up earlier anymore than you can decide not to let him go.

He is trying to control you. The order is the order. You don't have to do anything else. Yes it's good if both parties can compromise but from what you've said he's just trying to push the boundaries as a control thing. In your situation I wouldn't let him change things.

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 19:01

Thank you. I do feel like it is just control.

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Copperspot · 29/08/2017 19:20

The point of the order is so everyone knows what the rules are and what is happening when. If you agree to this you are in for a lifetime of him trying to get his own way with contact.

Just ask the nursery to say no, he is down to be in their care until 3.30 and they will not release him without your permission.

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 19:32

Thank you.

Nursery have agreed to call him to explain that unless they have my permission they will not release him until 3:30

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Notevilstepmother · 29/08/2017 19:45

I would get them to say it's because of the court order, not because of you. I'm not sure you can give permission to breach a court order.

Taylor22 · 29/08/2017 19:45

If this was a normal situation I'm sure you'd be happy to negotiate.

But it's not.

He's an arse. And so the court order is there to protect you AND DS!
Stick to the order and you'll never get in trouble for it.

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 19:48

not
It is built into the order that there can be reasonable adjustments with prior agreement - so I could agree it, if he asked!

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Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 20:15

Just missed a call from exmil, I expect to tell me how unreasonable I'm being!

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Trb17 · 29/08/2017 20:20

I think you really know that if you start allowing him to dictate things to you then you're handing him power back.

Just stick to the letter of the order. That's what it is there for and it also ensures your DC has continuity and a regular pattern so they will feel secure.

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 20:26

No request has been made to vary the arrangements. Even if it had been, you CAN, you don't have to. The school needs a copy of the court order and to say they can only release DC in accordance with the court order. No, no, no. It didn't take him long, did it?

youarenotkiddingme · 29/08/2017 20:34

I think nursery sound great tbh!

They should say they can't release him without your permission and they haven't sought that as they remain neutral and follow court order.

Therefore they aren't saying you refused.
Plus it's daft as from next week he won't be able to do that as he'll be in school. Sounds like (from the history) it's because he can he's doing it.

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 20:44

yourenot

The nursery are absolutely amazing and fantastic. They have been just so, so supportive and child focussed throughout this whole thing.
Once when he threatened to take him from nursery without permission (when we were in court and he was currently only ordered to have 6 hours on a Saturday), the nursery manager said she would hide DS in a different area of the nursery and give him a special task so he wouldn't notice what was going on!
Now it's all been rebuilt its mega secure so he can't even get through the door without them letting him in!

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Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 21:07

Just had mega long ranty message from ExMIL about how I'm being deliberately obtuse and should be reasonable for DS's sake!

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kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 21:18

Is she allowed to pester you on cunt ex's behalf when there is a non mol?

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 21:24

He is not allowed to pester, threaten, intimidate or harass me, this includes via others however I do generally try to maintain a reasonable relationship with MIL, so where's the line?

I'm so exhausted by all this

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kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 21:30

Maybe you should send a one line 'please do not contact me to pressurise me to deviate from the court order' email.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/08/2017 21:31

Good idea kitty

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 21:36

I've now had a message from exFIL to say that ex has contacted me to say that he WILL be collecting at 10am, but because I've blocked him I haven't got it - he's not allowed to contact me via my phone - there non mol stipulates my partners mobile due to volume of abusive messages received before! But he refuses to use it!

I've just text back 'cunt is not allowed to contact on my phone as per non mol. He is aware of the stipulated channels'.

It's bloody exhausting all this shit!

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dinosaursandtea · 29/08/2017 21:38

Bloody hell! Well, it sounds like the nursery won't let him take your dc if he does show up...

MiniCooperLover · 29/08/2017 21:42

Is that actually from MIL or do you think he's texted you from her number?

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 21:43

Don't answer any further tonight. Put your phone on silent now. Report for breach of the non mol tomorrow? They have put in writing that ex has breached it. Does it carry power of arrest?

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 21:47

It's actually an undertaking in place of non mol - I said non mol because I thought it would be easier than explaining what undertaking is. So has power of enforcement with prison sentence but would have to take it back to court.

FIL now text to say I am breaching order and if I don't allow Ex to take him they will immediately go back to court.

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Queenofthestress · 29/08/2017 21:49

Him trying to take him early is in breech of the order, I gotta ask, are they bloody stupid ?

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 21:50

Ignore, and let them. On what basis will they go back to court if they only just got the order? Ignore ignore ignore.

Mooey89 · 29/08/2017 21:51

I've just spent 11 grand. I can't afford to go back!

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