Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DHs suggestion of legal Guardian for our children is unfair

61 replies

Lillygreen · 29/08/2017 18:30

Sorry if this is a boring one....

We are going to be writing our wills in the near future. DH thinks his parents would be better guardians of our child (and future children). His only reason for this is because they have more money.

My parents are not poor by any means, they own a large house in a good area. My mum works p/t and dad works full time whereas his parents both work f/t and have a lot more disposable income. Both parents absolutely adore their grandchild.

AIBU to think that money should not be the way to decipher who becomes the legal guardians?

Another question- wwyd? We don't have any other suitable family/friends so I don't really have a good alternative suggestion (other than I think his suggestion is unfair on my parents who would be devastated to find out his parents were guardians and not them)

OP posts:
FluttershysCutieMark · 29/08/2017 18:33

You need to reach a fair decision together based on numerous factors, not just who has more money. If it's between both sets of grandparents then one set will be disappointed whatever the reasoning.

JoJoSM2 · 29/08/2017 18:33

Not sure how wills work but could you specify both sets of grandparents? Should anything happen, they would see who's willing to make a full time commitment.

jaseyraex · 29/08/2017 18:35

Have you discussed this with each of your parents? Some people don't want that kind of responsibility no matter how much they love the kids. So if either aren't thrilled to be guardians that could help the dilemma. I do think money is factor though. You need to make sure whoever you choose is financially comfortable enough to look after potentially small children until they're adults.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/08/2017 18:35

Don't you have siblings?

How old are the grandparents? I think you have to be young to take on a young family.

Original poster
Lillygreen · 29/08/2017 18:35

I believe only two legal guardians can be specified (I may be wrong?) Hopefully I am wrong as this would simplify things.

Yes absolutely one set of grandparents will be disappointed and I'm not saying it should be either set. Just his assumption that the children would definitely go to his parents has upset me. He didn't even consider mine. He just told me how it is...

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/08/2017 18:36

See a solicitor. You don't actually get to choose who wins the children if you die. You can put in the will who you would like to be responsible for deciding what happens to the children: you usually name people from both sides of the family. Then there are people who might be involved in managing money that is in trust for the children which is a whole other issue.

What I'm getting at is that I don't think you understand how it works so your row is irrelevant. Book in to see a will writing solicitor and find out what you actually need to row about.

PotteringAlong · 29/08/2017 18:37

If you can only specify two just specify his mum and your mum and let them deal with it as is most appropriate if the time comes?

MissionItsPossible · 29/08/2017 18:37

Another question- wwyd? We don't have any other suitable family/friends so I don't really have a good alternative suggestion (other than I think his suggestion is unfair on my parents who would be devastated to find out his parents were guardians and not them)

But the alternative is your suggestion which would be unfair on his parents. I think both of you need to talk to both sets of parents how this would work. Maybe one will turn around and say they don't want to be legal guardian.

AVY1 · 29/08/2017 18:37

While we eventually chose to name DSis and BIL, we then have my parents down in case that's not possible due to the fact that they are younger and actually we didn't feel that DH's parents, as much as they adore DD would actually want the responsibility. On top of that my parents are much more in line with how we are raising her. Could these be factors for you to discuss?

Chrisinthemorning · 29/08/2017 18:38

We have named all- my parents and MIL.
It's unlikely to happen anyway.
My thinking is that DS would live with my parents as they are close to school but spend lots of time with MIL. However if my parents were ill or more infirm the situation could be revised.
Money should not be a deciding factor as we have life insurance and there would be a house to sell plus savings- DS would be provided for anyway.

Chrisinthemorning · 29/08/2017 18:59

We have named all- my parents and MIL.
It's unlikely to happen anyway.
My thinking is that DS would live with my parents as they are close to school but spend lots of time with MIL. However if my parents were ill or more infirm the situation could be revised.
Money should not be a deciding factor as we have life insurance and there would be a house to sell plus savings- DS would be provided for anyway.

kookiecookie3 · 29/08/2017 19:00

We had named both sets of our parents, although it killed me to put PIL down (I have major issues with them, even more so recently) but we are needing to change them as since we write the will my DM passed away and FIL was in a serious accident and I just couldn't leave them to MIL. We are deciding between which of my Brothers will be named. (One already has two children, the other nine at the moment, and we are due our 3rd any day.)

Hmmmmx100 · 29/08/2017 19:02

My DH's family earn way more than mine, but DH and I have unanimously agreed that my DSis will care for DS if we die, because she'd give him the the closest upbringing to the one we give him. DH's family are fine, but a bit undemonstrative emotionally.

StripeyDeckchair · 29/08/2017 19:03

Why name any of the grandparents legal guardians? They've already brought up their children & will only slow down & be more out of touch with issues around children as they age.

Have you siblings you would trust? Close friends?

DP is not British so we have named 2 people in U.K. & 2 in his country, that way the children can opt where to live. All monies would go into trust to benefit the children.

rjay123 · 29/08/2017 19:04

Have you both got life insurance? If so, then leave that to the children - parents money becomes moot then.

hesterton · 29/08/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Youvegotafriendinme · 29/08/2017 19:09

We have recently done this and decided on DH SIS. Unfortunately my parents were never an option due to my mum having a terminal illness. All my siblings have their own children and are all about as responsible as a flea and we concluded that his parents , being older, might find it harder. We checked with her first and allowed her time to think. She is by far the best choice for us.

If I was you, I'd put it to them both. You might be surprised by the response

opinionatedfreak · 29/08/2017 19:17

I'm named for my godchildren. Not because their parents expect them to come and live with me - my one bed flat and never at home lifestyle aren't really compatible.

But because they trust me and their paternal aunt to make decisions based on what they their parents would want.

In all likelihood the kids would go to one of their many maternal aunts to live but we would be involved in school choices etc and while my friend's sisters are lovely they woulndn't and haven't made the same school choices for their children as my friend and her husband have already made.

Also you need to be careful guardians can liberate cash - acquiring extra children ya expensive and I know a family who got roundly stuffed as a result - went from two kids to five. Needed bigger house/bigger car/ holidays etc cost more.
The will was set up so they had to pay all of these expenses out of their income net result = Everyone had a drop in lifestyle (e.g. No more skiing, none of them went to feepating school - all of which would have probably happened for both sets of kids) but the inherited kids stand to inherit a small fortune at 21 when it will all come a little too late.

JigglyTuff · 29/08/2017 19:20

Well I'd ask both of them for a start - they may say no. Plus what others say about health is a massive issue when asking older people to become guardians.

sonjadog · 29/08/2017 19:24

Are you sure your or his parents would want the responsibility? I´m asking because I am the legal guardian of my brother´s child. I wasn´t the most obvious choice, as I live in a foreign country with a language my niece doesn´t speak, and I also work full time, while the child´s grandparents both speak English and are no longer working. But they both felt that they were too old for the responsibility and wanted me to have it rather than them. At the time it seemed unnecessary to think about their age, but now my niece is getting older, both grandparents are noticeably getting elderly, and I can absolutely see that they do not need the responsibility of a teen.

Is there a sibling you could name instead? Grandparents would be involved, but without the direct responsibility?

steff13 · 29/08/2017 19:29

Have you both got life insurance? If so, then leave that to the children - parents money becomes moot then.

I don't know if things work differently there, but our insurance agent here (US) told us that if we put our minor children as beneficiaries, the money would go in a trust until they reach adulthood. So whoever is caring for them couldn't access it. Obviously, we want their guardians to be able to have that money to help raise them.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/08/2017 19:30

Put them both down. If the need arises let them work it out.

But I think that age (or maybe a better term is 'vitality'?) should play the bigger part. Which set of parents would have the energy to raise the children would be a bigger concern to me. The ones who would play with them, go to sports with them, take them on active holidays, etc. Is one set significantly older or in poorer health? I'd rather the grandparents who were able to do the 'heavy lifting' of parenting as opposed to the ones with more money.

aurorie11 · 29/08/2017 19:32

My DSis and DSis in law are named as legal guardians, if the worst happens they would jointly decide the best place for DCs. We were advised to do this as we would be guessing their future circumstances to do differently

happypoobum · 29/08/2017 19:34

As PP have said, this isn't how it works.

The legal guardians make a decision about what will happen with the DC. Most people I know have named siblings or close friends rather than GPs unless they are very young. If you MUST have GPs then naming one from each side would be the sensible thing to do.

The far bigger problem here is that DH "told you" what would happen. Does he have form for thinking he is the boss of you? Time to set the knobhead straight?

2rebecca · 29/08/2017 19:36

Agree that you don't generally choose people much older to be guardians. Mine are now beyond needing it but my ex and I agreed it would be my brother for various reasons, although after we separated the likelihood of us dying together obviously plummeted but we still stuck with that