to think my career shouldn't come second just because I'm the lower earner

[manglethedangle]

I was having a conversation with a friend. We are in similar positions, both work in the public sector, both have a young child, both have husbands who work in the private sector in IT with large earning potential.

I was saying that DH is currently job hunting, he got head hunted for a position but it involved a lot of travel so we decided he shouldn't go for it. I also said that we (DH and I) had discussed new jobs and made sort of 'requirements' list. She was absolutely aghast that I'd have any say in his career at all.

I explained that as far as I was concerned he could do any job he wanted, as long as most weekends were free and he's there to do bed time (some nights) and can pick up/ drop DS as required (e.g. I'm working early or late, have training etc) and it pays his portion of the bills.

She told me that as our DHs were higher earners (than us) I should be more willing to do more of the child care, more of the house work etc. So his career could progress and he could chase that 6 figure salary.

I trained hard for my job, it's a professional role requiring public body registration and regular training and accreditation. My salary is lower than his as it's a job which is pretty much only done in the public sector, so we have a clear progression scale and capped pay rises. But it doesn't mean my job is less important, less rewarding or my career is less significant than his.

If DH couldn't do a fair share of the household and childcare duties it would make my job very difficult and career progression limited. it's considered a high stress job, though I don't find it stressful. We agreed pre marriage and kids, that his commitment was to the family role before his professional one, and he left teaching partially to allow this.

FWIW we could meet all our financial commitments if we both earned my salary, I'm not exactly low paid.

AIBU to think that just because he earns more doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my career for the sake of his?

There is no right or wrong answer to this. It depends on the individual couple and they need to make a decision together. But for myself no I wouldn't want to be totally dependent on a high earning partner unless I had my own trust fund to fall back on. Seen too many people left in the lurch when high earner walks away.

At the end of the day all that matters is what you and your DH agree on as the priorities. Everyone else's opinions are only just that - opinions.

That said, in the course of agreeing those priorities with DH, it is important to face up to the potential financial consequences of limiting his hours etc.

I dont understand how you think you are sacricing your career

If anything you sound youre asking your dh to sacrifice his

Up to each couple to decide how their lives work best for them. No one way is correct as long as it is mutual agreement otherwise one or other will end up feeling resentful.

I agree with you and I am the (much) higher earner in our marriage.

Careers are about more than the money they bring in and I would never consider a job that required DH to scale back his work, ambitions or permformace.

It also drives me nuts when women who work for me justify doing all the kids' sick days, pickups and drop offs, etc, by saying 'but his job is more important to us.' Funnily enough, his job isn't more important to me.

A real career (can be doing anything but depends on how you see your work) is about more than money - it is personal achievement and fulfilment.

Families have to balance the need for money with the need for both partners to be happy with what they are doing. Different people prioritise money, partner prestige and their own fulfilment.

In short, YANBU but neither is she in her choice. She shouldn't be telling you how to do things though.

It's possible, and don't take this the wrong way, that your dh isn't as high up as hers, certainly if he's free evenings and weekends. There is absolutely a requirement for a sahm or mostly at home partner when you reach a certain level who then takes on all/most of the housework- my dh made the sacrifice for me as I have the VIP job where I work 5-10/11 and work from home weekends too.

I am all for supporting my husband because he earns more, but we see it as for the benefit of both of us. We share everything. Equally, he has said that he would be prepared to stay at home if I got a high earning promotion (we are looking to relocate so it's likely one of us would be without a job temporarily). We have no kids yet and I do more housework because I work fewer hours. He has no expectations or demands there though. He loves it when I cook, but he cooks too. He appreciates it if I have spent ages cleaning, but is also happy if I have spent the day out and about or whatever. Neither of us are perfect but we are supportive of each other. OP you are absolutely right. Your career and fulfillment are just as important as his, and it seems like he agrees. Do whatever works for you, I say!

Agree with pp, no right or wrong answer, as it's a completely individual choice. However, most women do promote the husband's career if he has a MUCH higher earning potential. To me, that makes sense for the family, as his wages will benefit you all.

viviennemary exactly. What if it all goes tits up (for me or for her). Getting back in the work place, making up for those lost years to make ends meet. Especially as I enjoy and I am good at my career. I can understand it more if one partner is in a dead end job they hate.

It depends on each family unit. I took a back seat but still have a professional, public sector role. I just earn 1/10 of what my DH earns and work 45 hrs pw (although it was more like 35-38 when the DC were younger) and he has always worked 60+ hrs pw.

DH was in a role where he cd aim very high. I wanted sensible hours and would have maxed at about £100k anyway.

I agree and disagree. I am a nurse (top band 7) and separated from h last year. I thank myself every day that I carried on with my career and can support myslef and my dc. That said I worked part time for many years and was still able to work my way up. H was able to change career including doing a master during that time. So I dont think one has to be exclusive to the other if you see what I mean.

I worked less hours to be with the dc and also did the bulk of the chores so it worked out for both of us.

I think how couples resolve this is very personal. My dh earns 3 times what i do. I have always worked full time but have had to compromise my career around drop off and pick up because he commutes. I have found it a bit frustrating at times but on the whole it works for us. In reality the whole commuting thing isnt for me. Also things like overtime when offered just wasnt worth it although i would do the odd saturday to help out and show willing.

araiwa I'm not sacrificing my career. My friend thinks I should, to allow DH to soar in his. I'm saying it is possible for us both to do well in our careers, within parameters. We both have to stick within those parameters e.g. we both have to put our commitments to the family first (e.g. being able pick DS up from nursery etc).

I'm not asking him to do anything I'm not prepared to do.

I'm aware that limiting his hours may impact his career, in the same way it limits mine.

Some people will think like you and some like your friend. There is no correct answer. It also depends on how you live your lives and what you feel is important to pay for (private schools, larger house, saving for kids uni and house deposits). For some these are more important than splitting all childcare equally for others earning more to pay for these are much more important.

I'm going back to work soon after 15 months off and will have to make some career sacrifices to enable me to work 9-5 and we've already decided my husband will not make these sacrifices as he has much higher earning power and already has a base 100% higher (I do have a high paying job which will likely now plateau) than mine if I was full time. Horses for courses.

Actually JassyRadlett I completely disagree with you. I did just that and my removers compromised because I'm extremely good at what I do and do it quickly. I always made it clear when I had to that I was there on my terms. I was never late, I always had hours in hand, I always took on an additional -shit- job when I could. Investigations were always done on time and thoroughly. The quid pro quo was if the DC had an emergency or play or parent's evening, usually booked in advance except for emergencies, then that took precedence.

Effectively you're limiting both of your careers, which is fine as it works for your family. Not sure why you need us to validate a decision you made as a family just on the say so of your friend. Surely you considered everything when you made your decisions?

It's always a balance and I think decisions about both partners' careers should be made jointly. Over the past few years we've probably ended up slightly prioritising my DH's because he had higher earning potential at a younger age if we took certain decisions, but I was happy with that. In a few more years, it might be the other way round - but it's always a decision for us both.

I am behind you 100% here. Too many women sacrifice their career and any outside enjoyment for the sake of allowing a man to get on. And in too many cases, they end up in trouble when the marriage breaks down.

There's more to life than money. Quality of life matters. Having two hands-on parents matters. Doing work that has social or caring value matters. Having two fulfilled people who find a balance that works between employment and parenting and other interests is far more enviable than having a huge house in misery.

most women do promote the husband's career if he has a MUCH higher earning potential.

What a deeply bizarre statement. You must know a very specific type of woman.

Tbh, Jassy, how your employees divide up childcare responsibilities isn't your call to make, and I'm astonished you seem to think it is.

Dh and I have roughly equal earning power in very different fields. His job comes first (and he is very willing to do drop-offs/pick-ups/take sick days whenever necessary) because a) he works longer hours, b) he's employed whereas I work for myself, c) my work is more flexible by nature. When I was still in an employed position I was the one who provided most of the flexibility and I absolutely made my job work around that (and was very valuable to my organisation), but I would not have appreciated my employer questioning our decisions.

Thing is, yes DH has MUCH higher earning potential to me, and whilst the money would benefit us all (the three of us) it would at the detriment of my mental health, I'm not cut out to be a SAHM (no judgement to those who are, it really suits some people). So we certainly wouldn't be happier and I'd resent him (and DS), be depressed and our quality of life would suffer - I really value a work life balance, as does he.

Her DH is very high up, but doesn't work weekends and is home at 6 most nights, so I don't really see why her career is on hold.

I also find it odd as she's always gone on about how 'career orientated' she is. That seems to have changed, I'm not sure if it because of becoming a mum or because she had a few knocks in her career which may have caused her to re-evaluate. I do worry though that she is placing herself in a difficult position, as despite me saying DH, they aren't actually married.

Life is a balance, isn't it.

Having DC1 probably 'held me back' 5-6 years with my 6 month maternity leave. DH took nearly 2 years off / work from home with reduced work-load (SAHP) when DC2 was born. It put him back a decade.

There's no point in being the richest man in the graveyard but high income has many, many benefits.

DH makes about 35% more than me but if something were to happen, our family would live comfortably on only my salary. We wouldn't need ot change schools or downsize.

You need to prioritise. I completely understand your friend. There are benefits to you and your children if the higher earner is enabled in their career. You need to decide if it's worth it for you.

There are also levels of sacrifice depending on the field you work in. DH could step down some and then back up, and down etc. I would struggle going backwards. It would raise eyebrows stepping down a 'level' and would be hard to recover from.

I'm getting splinters from sitting on the fence. No one is being U. You need to decide what works best for you. DH needs to decide what works for him and you both need to decide about what's best for your child(ren). Then find a compromise.

I think you've got it spot on OP, and I admire your foresight and communication in your relationship to have achieved the balance you have.