to think my career shouldn't come second just because I'm the lower earner

[manglethedangle]

I was having a conversation with a friend. We are in similar positions, both work in the public sector, both have a young child, both have husbands who work in the private sector in IT with large earning potential.

I was saying that DH is currently job hunting, he got head hunted for a position but it involved a lot of travel so we decided he shouldn't go for it. I also said that we (DH and I) had discussed new jobs and made sort of 'requirements' list. She was absolutely aghast that I'd have any say in his career at all.

I explained that as far as I was concerned he could do any job he wanted, as long as most weekends were free and he's there to do bed time (some nights) and can pick up/ drop DS as required (e.g. I'm working early or late, have training etc) and it pays his portion of the bills.

She told me that as our DHs were higher earners (than us) I should be more willing to do more of the child care, more of the house work etc. So his career could progress and he could chase that 6 figure salary.

I trained hard for my job, it's a professional role requiring public body registration and regular training and accreditation. My salary is lower than his as it's a job which is pretty much only done in the public sector, so we have a clear progression scale and capped pay rises. But it doesn't mean my job is less important, less rewarding or my career is less significant than his.

If DH couldn't do a fair share of the household and childcare duties it would make my job very difficult and career progression limited. it's considered a high stress job, though I don't find it stressful. We agreed pre marriage and kids, that his commitment was to the family role before his professional one, and he left teaching partially to allow this.

FWIW we could meet all our financial commitments if we both earned my salary, I'm not exactly low paid.

AIBU to think that just because he earns more doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my career for the sake of his?

I'm astonished by some of the comments on here! I earn double what my DH does but that doesn't mean I expect him to pick up the burden of all the house work. It also doesn't mean I expect him to sacrifice his career to allow mine to progress. To me a proper partnership means discussing things and coming to agreement jointly as the OP said.

DH and I both earn and contribute similarly. We work in completely different industries.

When DC were young I worked part time; I am now back up to pretty much full-time hours.

It might sound petty - though it isn't - but there is nfw I would have taken a step back in my own career so DH's career could soar (though tbf it it unlikely ever to have been that way due to the industry and his own attitude to work/life balance).

@hettie

The misguided smugness is nearly dripping from every word you wrote.

I'm also not sure why you feel the need to belittle those who are SAHP whilst their partner is supported in their career.

Self-perceived superiority is a very unattractive trait.

@hettie - Dh and I are deliriously happy on our combined high wages too. We don't have financial worries, can spend time with our kids and do the housework ourselves (with a bit of jiggery pokery), and eat a homecooked meal every night because dh decided to sacrifice his lower earning potential by doing 9-5. He still probably earns more than you and your dh combined so there's that I suppose.

I agree with whoever said that high earners hang out in the same places or sometimes a shared friend circle.

I agree with you OP and it's something DH and I have dealt with. We discuss job issues as a family because the impact is on us all. Same with the conversations we keep having about whether we should move house before secondary school!

My Dh earns three times what I do. So he gets 6 figures.

In fact he's been promoted three times since we've been married. In that time I have also always worked, but have also taken 2 year long maternity leaves. This has of course affected my progression somewhat.

However, my career and staying in work is extremely important to me. There's no way in hell I'm stopping working, and my DH absolutely understands this.

Most of the people who are now his peers at work have a spouse at home who doesn't work. And I get that because there is a lot of travel and it's a right pain to fit in around.

He still does nursery drop off every morning, so I can get to work early and finish early to do the pick up. When he's travelling I just have to muddle through myself and luckily in my role I can WFH when I need to.

There is a chance that his travelling might increase and we might need to do something different for childcare (ie a nanny instead for more flexibility).

YANBU- it's a couples decision. DH earns much more than I do currently, but in the long run we plan to leave London where his job won't exist, and I am eminently employable. Therefore we split childcare 50:50. Also he actually likes spending time with his DC!

It is a problem with two conflicting careers. We've seen several threads on here where a couple have moved all over the world with DP sacrificing career especially with something which needs new qualifications or registrations. DCs moved several times while in school. Then it all goes pear-shaped.

Sometimes it works out brilliantly.

However if the marriage breaks down especially after the DCs have left home, the DP has less of a leg to stand on. If 50+ with no career behind the deserted DP, it's a minefield. Especially if the DP leaving has a new partner and they have more DC.

A lot of firms which pay those six figure salaries require extortionate hours and/or willingness to move anywhere at whatever cost to the family. Including the sacrifice of a partner's career and regular displacement of the kids and no social life except for the firm. Big transaction? working to 3am and cancel film/dinner party/theatre. CEO wants to speak to you at 4am when you have young children? DP too jet-lagged or tired to do a pick-up? If it's 6-figure you will be paying for wrap around child care.

Let's not forget the other parents who hardly see each other because they're on shifts because they can't afford child care and rent - so one works a night shift and the other day.

We are fortunate that we both earn a good salary, mine is above the national average, and DH earns currently 10k more than me, he's recently got a new job which is a 6k rise, it's his 3 payrise in 18 months since retraining, so he's fast moving up the scale.

My friend is very money orientated, like her partners salary is somehow a reflection on her (he earned a good salary before they met, he's not had much of an increase since they met so she hasn't had a big part in it), she uses terms such as "quarter of a million pound house" (which for some reason just grates on me).

We are fortunate in that our combined income affords us a nice house (recently bought a larger one) we could afford a private education for DS (jury's out on whether we will) and we have two cars (mine is a job requirement). We have no family near by so rely on paid child care for all child care provision. We aren't 'flush' but we are comfortable. So I don't see a need for one of us to earn mega bucks, if it is at the cost of our life balance.

You are a team and decisions have to be reached together.
Different families can come to different conclusions.

Do you think that you might be giving an outsider's opinion too much credence?

Your friend sounds like a bit of a mug by sacrificing her own career in favour of her DP's when they are not even married.

If anything you sound youre asking your dh to sacrifice his

Really? Not being his slave is asking him to sacrifice his career?

Yanbu op

Mine is very much secondary because we would be impoverished living on mine whilst living on DHs is excellent.

I no longer enjoy mine, largely because I haven't been able to progress in it so Ive sort of given up hope with it. I tried to progress but never got chosen.
He got promoted regularly, and it seemed rather churlish to stop him going further in case one day I managed to pull off a promotion.

Yanbu

she uses terms such as "quarter of a million pound house"

This speaks volumes and makes your friend sound very shallow. She's also being short sighted - if I was to sacrifice my career it would make me unhappy which would have an adverse affect on my relationship. It would probably make me resent dh. I have moved abroad a couple of times for dh's career (he earns significantly more than me) but I have also said no to other opportunities he has been given as they would impact my career.

Your relationship with your dh sounds a lot healthier than your friend's given that you have mutual respect for each other's careers and understand that you're a team.

To the previous poster who asked about all the people with men who earn 3x them, and how does it happen...

In my situation (which is probably not unusual) dh makes nearly 40,000 which is OK money but not great money in the SE and I after having all the children and being home with them am generally only able to get minimum wage. As well as that because I make so little it just works out for me to be the one who takes the job around child care etc. I think that's probably how it work with most families. It's easy to see the pay gap in action in a heterosexual marriage

I agree with the person who said there is no right answer to this question, and I think it has much more to do with your values and goals as a couple and a family. It's something you have to discuss together and decide what works for you. My dh and I have both been the higher earner at one point or another. We are generally about even at the moment. He has more potential for a short term increase, but over the long term (we're talking 10-20 years), I'll probably ultimately be the higher earner. He's self-employed, so realistically he can only do so much work in one day, whereas in my profession, seniority and experience brings significant increases in income.

But none of that really matters because we both long ago decided that neither of us were willing to sacrifice certain things for money or success. In theory, I could earn even more if we moved and I could take a job in a different part of the country. But it would mean my dh's career would take a bit of a hit. Similarly, he could probably make more if I stayed at home or worked part-time as he'd be able to work longer hours and do less of the school runs, etc. But honestly, we both enjoy our work and we value living our lives in a certain way over pursuing money at all costs. It sounds like your friend values money more than you do and for her the sacrifices to herself and her children aren't a big deal (good for her, but nothing to do with you). But that just wouldn't appeal to me. We have a good life, but neither of us needs six figures and we would much rather live where we want and have more quality time together and both be able to enjoy the work we do. And that's fine too. So I think it just sounds like she's trying to compare apples and oranges and project her own situation and values on to you. Honestly, neither my husband nor I would give up what we each have worked for so the other could have limitless opportunities and more income, because we're a partnership and what we're doing now is a good balance for both of us and gives us each what we need.

Yanbu

I think your friend was a bit out of order to say you need to be willing to do more childcare so your husband can chase that 6 figure salary.

It's up to each couple as to how to split childcare and having a career/job is not always about chasing as much money as possible.

If you are both happy with the decision then it's irrelevant what anyone else thinks. You are entitled to have a career and your own independence. Ignore her.

Until recently, I was the higher earner and I'm definitely the one with the most established (and I guess prestigious) career - I've gone freelance, so who knows if it will stay the same way. In contrast, DP switched professions a few years ago - went back to studying part time and in an entry level role at a company they wanted to progress up the ranks in.

I was in a far more established position, which gave me the leeway to do things like the bulk of the housework and the emotional labour of marriage (we don't have kids yet) and sometimes that has meant things like sacrificing my networking event to attend or support them for one of theirs. Yes, it's possible - in fact, it's likely - that their salary will increase over time to the point where they're the higher earner, but that's not what I was investing in - I was investing in her happiness and sense of fulfilment.

My time is in no way more important than hers and vice versa. It's not a sacrifice if it evens out over time!

I think once one of you gets ahead in the earning stakes, it's very difficult to pull back.

I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer.

I definitely don't think that any woman should sacrifice her own career unless she really wishes to do so.

However, I would never insist on having any say in OH's job as far as ruling out travel commitments or being home by a certain time. Unless it was truly ridiculous like never home before 9pm when in the U.K. and 3 weeks abroad every month.

We both had good/ well paid careers all through DD's childhood and just had to use hired help where necessary, as many, many people do.

I'm glad we did it - I earn about 30% less than OH but still a very, very good salary - and I relish the security I get from knowing I can earn well.

I do think that saying you don't want hired help and insist instead on partner only having a job which allows him to be home at certain times, etc, is a bit much. But each to their own if it works for you.

Your friend is BU as she's not married.

DH and I have lived in 6 countries, moving both for him and I and always for our careers (we are mid-30s). We are both high earners (6-figure salaries, similar range). We are both often contacted by recruiters with offers (him more than I) and we have a list of criteria for any potential move;

• There must be potential for the other to gain decent employment in our fields
• No Islamic countries (I had a bad experience in one we previously we lived in)
• Not too far (2+ hours) from an international airport
• Not on the FCO & France Diplomatie alert lists
• Must have a decent international hospital (was less bothered about this before kids, but have a 19 month old now and another on the way)

He recently had an offer for a job in Senegal with an insane salary, but it's muslim to we ruled it out straight away.

I think it's probably more complicated where one partner earns a reasonable salary and the other barley enough to scape by on - however, it isn't only about money. Neither of us could be full-time SAHPs , so we accept that we have both got to compromise to allow the other career success.

I've also seen too many threads on here where women have sacrificed their own careers, only to have their marriages/relationships breakdown 20 years later and be left with virtually nothing and having to start all over again. That's another reason why I'd never let my own take a backseat to DH's.

I agree with you OP. DH has (or would have had) the potential to earn more than me. But I love my job and he was a bit meh about his. His job also meant he wouldn't be home until DD was in bed. So he became the SAHP. He's happy - he gets loads of time with DD and the opportunity to do some freelance work if he wants. I'm happy - his support means I have had promotions and in my workplace staying past 5pm isn't expected. DD is happy because she sees lots of both of her parents. Any decision that either of us makes in respect of our careers is discussed and agreed on jointly.

Any decision that either of us makes in respect of our careers is discussed and agreed on jointly

This, in a nutshell. I absolutely agree.