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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and nights out

28 replies

remy85 · 29/08/2017 10:28

AIBU that my husband is going out with his friends 3 Saturdays in September all different occasions. One of the weeks he's out the Saturday then flies that Sunday night for a week long work conference which will involve nights out and then home the Friday and back out the Saturday for another night out so I won't have had a break in nearly 9 days. I've been invited on one of the nights out but we've no baby sitter so as it's his friends party rightly he should go. Our two children are 5 and 5 months. He says he doesn't stop me going out but my friend lives in a different town so if I do go out I can't drink as I've to drive back as she has a small baby and no room and my other friend works weekends and is only off during the week which doesn't work with me as I've to be up early for kids/school. The other day my son was at a play date so it was just me and him and our 5 month old and we went for lunch and he text his family to see if the wanted to join us. We don't get out much as a couple so I was a bit upset especially as I kept saying this is a great idea a day date. I think my husband feels it's a sign of weakness saying no he can't go out as none of his friends have kids yet but will soon. Looking for some advice please as I'm starting to feel a bit trapped.

OP posts:
MickeyMouseEars · 29/08/2017 10:37

I think we need more info about how often he goes out normally. I agree that 3 nights out in one month is rather excessive (particularly with 2 young DC) but is this something he does regularly or is it just unfortunate that the 3 times a year he goes on a night out have happened to fall in close proximity? If so, YABU and need to just let it go and put it down to bad luck (and make sure he does the bulk of the childcare in October so that you can have a rest!). If he is regularly going out every month and dumping you with the DC then you are possibly NBU.

Shoxfordian · 29/08/2017 10:41

I think you need to work on finding some childcare so you can have some time away too

It doesn't sound like you communicate well with your husband

xxMsZxx · 29/08/2017 10:45

It's rubbish being stuck in while everyone else seems to be out having a laugh.

Do you only have the one friend who lives in another town? It sounds like your partner has more friends than you do so he has more opportunities to socialise than you do. A lot of us lose friends as we grow up and have children, work, etc.

Could you find a hobby that will get you out of the house and meeting new people? You need a break and friends to have fun with too!

MrsNoMates · 29/08/2017 10:46

Can I ask what he was like before your 5 month old was born? Maybe it got to a stage where your 5 year old got more independent in certain ways and easier to an extent so he felt he could go out with his mates and the strain on you wasn't too severe. It's very different going from having one 4 year old child (I am guessing he was 4 when the baby came along) to having 2 children with one of them being a baby. Maybe he hasn't realised/adjusted that it's so much more hard work now for you now?

It will change when his mates start to have children but until then he needs to realise it's quite selfish to leave you with 2 children 3 weekends in a row and I think you need to tell him how different it is now with the baby as well and he needs to help.

Original poster
remy85 · 29/08/2017 10:46

He's had 2 nights out in August again back to back plus he's runs 2/3 times a week after work so some nights he gets home at 7 and is gone again until 8/8:30. He even asked me could he do a race on the day we fly out for holidays even though it's a night flight I had planned to get my hair/nails done before we head to airport and I told him no I had plans and he goes il just have to do it another day. Childcare isn't an option till I go back to work and whilst my parents/ohs parents will take ds they won't take the baby as they feel she's too hard to handle.

OP posts:
Original poster
remy85 · 29/08/2017 10:49

mrsnomates-he went out 2 weeks after I had my section on DD with his friend and stayed over night then went out with work a few days later.

OP posts:
Cat2014 · 29/08/2017 10:52

Surprised at the replies so far, he is being v v unreasonable!

xxMsZxx · 29/08/2017 10:57

From what you've just shared it suggests he's not really compromising with you and you feel he's just leaving you to it while he swans off doing whatever he fancies. Put your foot down, find some form of hobby or something that will get you out of the house on a weekly basis where he will have to look after the children. You deserve a life outside of being a mum/partner too! It sounds like you don't feel like he's supporting you enough, have you spoken to him properly about this?

roarityroar · 29/08/2017 11:00

How is three nights out in a whole month excessive?

Sayyouwill · 29/08/2017 11:00

Is he usually very hands on? Does he help with the kids etc?
If he is going out for occasions as opposed to just because, I don't see a problem. Why can't you contact a childminder and go along to the party? Perhaps if you ask your inlaws they will help out this once?
I have to force my partner to go out with the lads lol. I think it's very important to have a break every now and then, be able to let your hair down and do something selfish rather than being a martyr. I'm not saying you are being one btw.
Perhaps see if you can widen your circle of friends and have some you time

MrsNoMates · 29/08/2017 11:02

Did you mum have your ds before the baby coming along so you could go out together/alone or just have a bit of time to yourself? If so, it sounds like your partner hasn't realised the dynamics of family life has changed dramatically and he is still living his life like you have 1 dc who granny can babysit every so often. He needs to realise it's VERY different going from that to having a young baby in the mix who you have to look after without a break because granny will only take the older one at this stage.

He is being very selfish!

SilverBirchTree · 29/08/2017 11:04

Do only have two friends OP? No one else you can catch up with?

If you need a break, I suggest you make plans of your own. Even if it's a plan to get your nails done or a class you want to take.

araiwa · 29/08/2017 11:07

Does he ever stop you going out?

MrsNoMates · 29/08/2017 11:08

3 nights out in a whole month is a lot when he is going out Saturday, no doubt tired or hungover Sunday, away for work for the week then back Friday to be out again Saturday!

Sounds like the op is being left to do it all while her dp swans off on jollies with his mates/hobbies etc. That is all well and good but right now his priorities should be with his dp and the two youngs kids he has. No one would suggest he doesn't have a hobby or have a night out with his mates but he sounds like he still thinks he is single!

notapizzaeater · 29/08/2017 11:09

If you both wanted a night out in the same day - who would top trump ?

geekone · 29/08/2017 11:10

YABU it's not his fault you have to drive when you go out to meet your friends and so can't drink. Running is not the same as having a night out and 3 times a week for an hour is the minimum of required excercise. Ask your friends to come to you get them to stay with you and go out. If your husband objects then he IBU. 3 nights a month is not excessive and going away with work even when drinking and socialising is involved is not NOT fun and really not the same. You feel trapped because you are making yourself trapped.

TheNaze73 · 29/08/2017 11:13

3 nights out with friends in a month is not excessive. I'd see this as a problem though if he wasn't letting you do the same.
You can't blame him for the fact you have to drive, that's irrational

coconutpie · 29/08/2017 11:15

YANBU. And staying out overnight 2 weeks after you had a c-section is massively taking the piss. Out at the weekend, running 2/3 nights a week - when do YOU get any time? It's convenient too how he heads off running right at bedtime too for the DC so you're left carrying the workload. If he wants to run, he can do it after the DC are in bed. And I would be saying no to this out out both Saturdays on either side of a work trip - he can pick one. Or else he can go and not drink and be up early with the DC so that you can get a lie-in. After his nights out, does he spend the next day all hungover?

RonSwansonsMoustache · 29/08/2017 11:21

How is three nights out in a whole month excessive?

Three nights in a month wouldn't be excessive if he was going to be home the rest of the time, but as it is, he's going out one Saturday, then going away for work a week, coming home and going out again the following Saturday.

It means OP doesn't get a break for over a week, and when he has the chance to come home and see his wife and kids, he's not, and is choosing to go out on the piss.

YANBU OP I would be pissed off in the same circumstances. If he was at home the rest of the time, or arranging childcare so you could get a break, it would be different, but he's not. Not fair on you (or his kids, who presumably want to see their dad).

Mulch · 29/08/2017 11:23

I wouldn't appreciate him not prioritising time with family. What do you want from him? More help round house, go out less ect. He seems to be living likes he's single with little responsibility

Cat2014 · 29/08/2017 11:26

Exactly Ron. IMO it's also weird that he doesn't want to spend some of that time with his wife and kids. His only free time in a week by the sounds of it.

Hullygully · 29/08/2017 11:28

Does he know he's married with two children?

Serialweightwatcher · 29/08/2017 11:33

I wonder how he would feel if you did the same ... you should take up running and tell him he'll have to give it up to look after the kids when you do it. Hate to read about men who are married with kids but seem to still live the single life they always had - that's just how it sounds to me

WomblingThree · 29/08/2017 11:35

@notapizzaeater that was a rhetorical question right? Wink

OP, you've fallen into the trap of being the default parent. Does he ask you to look after the kids while he goes running? Does he hell. The three nights out aren't a big deal in isolation, it's the fact that he expects you to pick up the slack all the time.

You need to take back control and start expecting equal treatment. When he comes in tonight, tell him you are going for a walk or going to a friend's house. Don't ask, just do it, same way he just goes running.

Whichever weekend he isn't going out in September, make sure that you are. Book a night in a hotel near your friend and stay there. He will cope, like you cope when he's away. Don't give any room for argument; just do it. It works for him, it's about time it started working for you.

sparkleandsunshine · 29/08/2017 11:51

Wombling said it better than I ever could, do that x

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