To leave him?

[BeauMirchoff]

I can't sleep, I can't stop crying.
I've been asking DP for weeks to stop spending all his free time playing that stupid pool game on his phone and start paying attention to his kids. He'll sit on the sofa for hours, playing. He'll then go outside for a cigarette and spend 15-20mins outside, on the phone. He'll even take the phone with him to the toilet and sit in the smell of his own shit for half an hour, playing that fucking game. I've been asking nicely, for weeks, please lay off the game. Please spend some time with your kids.
Today I've finally snapped. We were going out and on a tight schedule, and he disappeared somewhere for 20mins. He was outside (we live in a small block of flats), playing that fucking game.
When I lost my shit, he said all I was good for was nagging and crying. And that I'm stopping him from what he wants to do, like he has no free will and has to take orders from me..! Does he think that I'm doing exactly what I want to do, all the time? That doing housework and dealing with tantrums are what I always hoped my days would be filled with? Alongside holding down a full time job...I feel so hurt by his comment and I am seriously considering letting him go. If he doesn't want to be a parent and accept the fact that he can't always do what he wants to do, then maybe he should just live alone.

Does he think that I'm doing exactly what I want to do, all the time? That doing housework and dealing with tantrums are what I always hoped my days would be filled with?

Yes, clearly, he does. He's treating you like dirt and is so self-absorbed that he thinks you must enjoy cleaning and childcare to be doing it instead of seeing that it needs to be done.

I am seriously considering letting him go

Good decision, OP - I can't see what he's bringing to your family (except misery) and he sounds horrible.

Kick his man-child ass to the curb. Stay strong and move on. He doesn't deserve you. The nerve of that asshole!

@LonginesPrime that's exactly how it is. He doesn't see that things just need to be done and often I need to ask him to please help me out. And I have to do it in the right tone of voice because he doesn't want to be treated like a child. And when he does anything around the house is "I've done the dishes for you" or "I've cleaned the bathroom for you"... I don't know what else to do or how to approach him.

Thank you both for replying, I'm losing my mind!

I'd have to leave him op he sounds awful

Don't do anything in anger, OP. Think logically, what would life be without him? If you decide that your life would be better or no worse emotionally, financially and practically, then it's time for him to go.

It is always hard to split up, even when it's the right thing.

He's not "helping" or doing chores "for you". He lives in that flat, you both work full time, he should be doing 50%. And the childcare isn't your sole responsibility either. He sounds very immature.

He's a boring selfish whining lazy misogynist isn't he?

He sounds like a spoilt teenager, not a grown man.

"I've done the dishes for you" or "I've cleaned the bathroom for you"

To that you reply 'you didn't do that for me, you should be doing it because that what fucking adults do. You're not doing me a favour, you're meant to be a functioning adult who doesn't need praise for doing normal chores. Grow up, you ridiculous man child.'

He's being a cocklodger! If you split you may even get EOW off...

Unfortunately he is. And I didn't realise it until we had DS2 (DS1 is from my previous relationship and much older than DS2). He wouldn't get up to do night feeds and during the day he made sure we had a "fair" share. He'd do 2 and I'd do 2. It was so petty. He always made sure that I was doing something too. And I was exhausted.

How do normal, grown men behave? Please tell me because I'm yet to find one by the looks of it...

No don't leave him, get his lazy ass to leave. You poor thing what is wrong with these men. I worked with someone that lost their family through actually being addicted to computer games, but this bloke just sounds horrible in general so no loss and no excuse for the rest of his behaviour.

Love, you don't need a man, you just don't, you will be fine by yourself.

If you choose to have a relationship then set the bar high. Decent men engage in family life, they contribute without being asked or expecting medals.

I've always hated how quick MN is to say LtB but in case I would leave him.
My DP plays a pool game on his phone but only after the kids are in bed and we both just sit and play on our phones and barely speak to each other. That's by choice because I sit talking to babies who don't talk back all day and he has to deal with people at work so it's nice to have some quiet time.
My DP does everything I do for the babies without being asked and he has never kept score - we do joke about it over the weekend of who has done more poo nappies but it's all in good humour.
The only fault is he does instinctively do any house work, i asked him to clean the baby bottles I already had in warm water in the sink, after that I would have done the few plates and glasses aswell but he didn't think of doing them.
If he shows no interest in your kids then they won't really miss him if he's gone, and as you have a ft job then I'm guessing you can cope without him

Good luck op

I completely understand why he has annoyed you so much but I wouldn't be advising to LTB. You lost your shit at him (quite rightly so) but then it sounds as though he retaliated and said some things back to you that hopefully he didn't mean!
I'm sure this has happened to most couples at one point or another (saying awful things in the heat of the moment or being neglectful of the other)
I think it's worth a proper heart to heart to try and understand each other better, once you've both calmed down of course - and try to come to a resolution you're both happy with.
Good luck OP

How do normal, grown men behave? Please tell me because I'm yet to find one by the looks of it...

My DH is kind and caring and supportive. He spends most of his spare time at the minute decorating the entire house in preparation for the arrival of our first child. He never complains, is always telling me to relax and put my feet up as 'I'm growing a human' is an excellent cook and will contribute to the housework without me asking him to... and says thank you to me for anything I do for us. He is a wonderful man... BUT we have been together for over a decade and in that time have had some blazing arguments - some of which sound similar to yours. We have both said very hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment. We have learned more and more about each other every time... and now we are at a stage where we are very respectful of one another and I can't remember the last time we had a row!

I would definitely leave him.

Thank you all for your responses.

I will try to talk to him again at some point. Although I doubt anything will change. I have been walking on eggshells for a while now. Watching how I talk to him because the tone of my voice makes him feel like a child. I'm so fed up. We have recently come back from a holiday and all he did during that holiday was complain about having to look after the 2yo. Ideally, he would have had me running after DC whilst he was lying down on the beach and getting a tan.
I'm going back to work in a few days. I can't wait. I won't have to see him that much.

I had one like this, it was exhausting. I did everything in the house, everything with the kids and worked. He also didn't drive so I had to do that too, all the organising and finances etc.
He got up, went to work, came home, ate his tea then went on the computer and played games until the early hours of the morning then started again. He didn't take any responsibility for any of the parenting.

I had to leave him, I couldn't keep losing my shit at him with no effect. He's still the same but I don't have to watch it anymore, bliss. I even get 2 Saturdays a month to myself :)

@grounddown it is exhausting. So so exhausting.

Mine wouldn't have ever changed, I tried so hard to make him interact with us but he didn't want to. When I left we moved 649 yards down the road (yes I measured it) and he visited us once a week if I asked him to. It's been 4 years and he's never picked them up from school or got involved in their lives other than when I drop them off and pick them up from his. If I didn't I don't think he would bother but whilst they are young and think he is fantastic I will continue to do it.
It is what it is, I couldn't hack it. My life is easy and stress free now even though I'm a single, working mom.

Unfortunately there are a lot of men like this. I'll never forget visiting a lady I was friends with in the past; she told me that her DH couldn't cook at all! Not only could he not boil an egg but he didn't know what to do with an egg that had already been boiled! I would blame his DM if I was in her shoes, how could you bring him up as unable to look after yourself as that??

But in the OP's case, her DP is behaving like my DDs do (8 and 5), when I tell them it's tea time and time to stop playing with their iPads. And I expect better from them!!

I don't know what you're getting by him being there. I think you'll be no worse off without him and more likely will be better off.

This would make my blood boil! When I first moved I'm with my man, We were 21, and his mum had done everything for him (not his sisters though, they had their fair share of cooking, cleaning, ironing and washing) and the first night he looked at me and said "what are you doing for tea then" I burst out with a BAHAHAHAHAAAA, and told him I was no ones skivvy, we've been 50/50 ever since! It did take a little while with cleaning, if I was finding him not doing anything I would let him know that I wasn't cleaning it all the time, and it would get pretty horrendous if he didn't chip in.
Now we are 10 years on and I'm on maternity leave so I do most of the housework, and he works full time, he still does the cat litter tray and cuts the grass and cleans cars etc. I cook in the week as by the time he gets home I'm starving and want to eat NOW! But he insists on cooking at weekends so I can get a break, and when our baby was having night feeds it was a team effort. She woke up, he'd go make her a bottle whilst I changed her bum and then i would feed her and he would often try and stay up with me ao I wasn't bored, if he did go back to sleep he always made sur to do the first morning feed so I could sleep a little longer or he would make sure he did the evening one so I could go to bed a little early or have a nap.
I feel like because I never let him get away with it in the beginning and set out the boundaries, it went exactly the way it should. But then I had him straight from mummys house, so I got to break him in 😂 Whereas it must be harder with a bloke who's got his own way and now expected to change!
You should be a team, end of, if he's not pulling his wait then try and sort it, and if you can't then you might have to make that hard decision. But him saying unkind stuff to you as well is pretty shitty, feel for you OP x