To want to tell my sibling our mother smacked her kids?

[Roisin79]

I was babysitting my 2 nephews with my mother and there were 2 incidents. One where she smacked the older one's bum as he was being a bit naughty whilst on the loo. He peed a bit on the floor and she said "He ALWAYS does that!" which upset him and he responded "No I don't!", then cried.
The second time the younger nephew was reading a book and she thought he would rip the page and she smacked him on the hand and said "DON'T!" (he wasn't ripping it at all just trying to turn page). I felt awful for both of them. They are both under 5. I told my mother that she shouldn't have done it and after a while she agreed and thanked me for being made aware of it (unbelievable I know, must be a generational thing). But now I do not know whether to rock the boat and tell my sibling. Do I stay quiet but if she does it again, then say something?? Help!

Tell her tonight, or tomorrow if you feel it is too late. Your mother won't report the events in their entirety and will play them down. And your sister might be relefed to find out why she had upset children this evening going to bed etc and can undo some of the damage.

I think you have to tell your sister. You haven't said how you think she'll react - it's possible that on hearing that you've already spoken your mum about it she'll be annoyed but happy to let it lie. But I just think your sister has a fundamental right to know. How she deals with it is up to her.

Upsetting a child over toileting issues is more detrimental! Id think i would say tbh

If it was your children this happened to would you want to know about it?

Exactly.

Do you remember her doing this to you as a child? What I am getting at is, will your sister be surprised or is it something she might well have thought your Mum might do going by her own experience? If so, she should perhaps have had a word with your Mum in advance about her views on smacking. Do you think your Mum really took on board what you said?

Intrigued why you say "sibling" when you also say "her" so must be a sister- why not just say sister? (Sorry, off the point).

Yes, definitely tell her. If the situation was reversed, you'd want to know, wouldn't you? Or could you ask your Mum to tell her, and follow up with your sister afterwards?

I think your mum should tell her, not you.

'It's generational' isn't an excuse. Both sets of grandparents smacked but would never smack their grandchildren. They understand a) we don't and b) they aren't the parents.

Smacking for something like that sounds really OTT even if you did believe in smacking.

I would tell your mother she needs to confess or you will tell them. I would be beyond livid if I found out (and more so if I hadn't been told).

Really?

If the children are old enough to go to the loo and read/look at books, it follows they have some speech and can tell their parents themselves that "granny smacked me".

I am surprised they've got to this age and she has suddenly started to hit them. Odd IMO

I would assume your sibling already knows? if your mum looks after them regularly she surely would have said to your sister they were a bit naughty I had to smack them at collection time when she has had them before? or was this the first time it's happened?

If they were your kids, would you want to know?

'It's generational' isn't an excuse.

This, absolutely. My parents were born in the thirties and never smacked us, because they thought it was wrong.

If I were your sibling I'd want to know. Because someone who hits my kids wouldn't be around them again, I don't care if it's my mum or a friend- nobody has the right to instill fear or inflict violence on my child.
I was beaten as a kid, I won't even tap my sons. Discipline them by using your words, not your hands.

no smacking kids... end of

You need to tell your sister. End of.

It is not the first time. Last year there was another incident where she smacked one of them........in front of everyone. I wasn't there that day and am ashamed that she acted like that. Sibling was NOT happy and grandma didn't get to see the kids as often as a result.

Sibling has been fairly seriously unwell atm and that is why I am hesitating telling her, plus a few other tense family issues going on. I thought mother had learned her lesson but it seems old habits die hard. I know if I told my sibling, it would be NC after that. I am still shocked that I had to explain to an OAP that smacking is wrong, esp with your own grandkids and hate being the witness AND now in this very difficult position.

@Unicorn I am well aware of smacking and toileting or forcing toilet training too early and how it can traumatize a child...for life. I was wondering the same about 'reading' - if a child is smacked when trying to read, would they end up hating reading or have problems reading ...I would imagine YES as they would associate reading with being a horrible experience.

I still can't believe she did it. The kids were enjoying themselves before each incident and for absolutely no reason she totally ruined it and upset them unnecessarily. I also don't understand WHY she did it or felt a compulsion to 'punish' them for nothing really. Even if they were 'peeing up the walls on purpose' as someone said, that would never merit any kind of smack or hit. EVER.

You need to tell your sibling unless you are prepared to loose contact with the kids.

Chances are that one of the kids will say something - and if you have said nothing you will be regarded as complicit and in collusion with your mother

OP was she like this with you and your sibling when you were young or is this only with the DGC?

Disgraceful. Your mother shouldn't be 'looking after' these children. She already had her last chance and if your sister goes no contact on you telling her - and she does have to know - then granny only has herself to blame. What must she get up to when no-one is watching?

Your first responsibility needs to be to the children. You're clearly upset for them and you know that their mother very much intended to protect them from this. You also know now that your DM will smack them again, and it's just when not if.

It's a horrible position to be in, but your DM made her choices and you aren't going to be able to protect either her or your sister from them. You can support the children .

@Roisin79, my DM used to say, 'if you don't remember that word I'll smack you.' That was the way she 'helped' us with our schoolwork. I wouldn't say it traumatised me, but it didn't exactly make me want to do my homework. We got smacked a lot for all sorts of things though.

It's not as bad as smacking over the toileting accident, imo, but that's not really the issue. Your mother was already on a last warning and she's blown it now. I once heard my DM threatening to whack DD1 and I made it clear that that wasn't on.

I know it will be upsetting for your sibling and it will mean that she goes NC with your mother, but really she has only herself to blame.

Of course you have to tell her. Your mother cannot control her anger around very small children and your sister had ever right to know so she can keep that bully away from then. I am a shocked you even have to ask. Those poor children. Their nan hurts them on purpose and their aunt won't tell their mother so she can protect them from it! It is sickening. You should be ashamed of yourself frankly.

So, have any of the answers here been useful to you on your first outing on MN?

@notanotherNC I asked for advice NOT moral judgement!

Another complication: sibling and the husband have also got form. A few incidents that are highly questionable regarding 'adequate supervision' of the kids. I already asked SS about it and they wanted their details - which I didn't proceed with. The children are well taken care of well fed etc so SS would never prioritize them. And would it really be worth having the kids taken away from ALL their family?

Roisin not another was not morally judging you. She was telling you to getvyour finger out and do something.

You sound like the only sensible one.