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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I go to my cousin's wedding abroad?

29 replies

Mamafoof · 28/08/2017 20:15

Cannot decide what to do. My cousin is getting married in the US. She lives there and I live in UK. We are quite close. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding - also a destination wedding which she came to but was a lot easier then as we were all so young, no kids and her parents paid for her to go plus it ended up being a big family holiday afterwards. To be honest, it would be fun to go as would be able to catch up with all my US family who I haven't seen in years. I also think it would be good to go and represent my family - but also be a nice break for me. Only thing is it is about min 14 hour journey and I would only stay for 3 nights and then work the next day on my return. So quite a huge expense in cost and time. But real reason I am not sure is that I would be leaving 3 young kids to go abroad for about 4 days. This makes me feel so guilty!! If it was for work, wouldn't feel so bad as would feel i have no choice. My husband would look after them with help from nanny and mil. This is the crazy part - I am worried something might happen to me en route and then it would be seen as a huge risk on my part just to go to a wedding! Oh what to do. Am worried I will regret not going but then am wondering whether it is just too much trouble or risk to go anyway? Grateful for any thoughts.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 28/08/2017 20:21

Well it's not really any riskier than any time you get in a car without your kids. It's not a "risk" as such but I think it's the distance that is making you feel like that. If something happens then you can be with each other quickly at home.

TBH I would go, yolo and all. It's not a week and the travel days will make it seem even shorter.

But if you are trying to talk yourself out of it then you already have your answer. Maybe Skype at some point during the wedding or send a recorded message for them?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2017 20:24

You take a bigger risk walking down the street than you do in an airplane, and making decisions based on such statistically low possibilities is silly. Life is a risk, but you still have to live it. You have to decide if you want to spend the money and take the time away from home.

Maplestaple · 28/08/2017 20:26

If you can afford it then go.

I totally get how you feel but I bet you'll have an amazing time!

Original poster
Mamafoof · 28/08/2017 20:26

Thanks - yes you're right, the thought of being so far away is freaking me out a bit. I probably wouldn't have an issue at all if it was more local. I agree with 'yolo' as a concept, but practically have never been able to implement it! Not sure if I am talking myself out of it - as they are already expecting I won't go - I haven't said a definite no as I do quite like the idea of going!! Ok, I am annoying myself now. Wish I could take my family but it's a term time wedding and don't want to fly them all out for a weekend!

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Original poster
Mamafoof · 28/08/2017 20:28

Thanks Aqua and Maple - I can afford it and could take time off work. Completely agree with you re relative risks - I guess it is the distance that's getting to me. Plus I am not a huge fan of flying at all!!

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Crispbutty · 28/08/2017 20:29

You are going to be shattered with jet lag for those three days. And shattered when you get back.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/08/2017 20:31

Honesltly, I think you should just go for it in that case. The kids have 3 people to look after them/relay etc so it's just about how you would feel. It's basically a long weekend. You can get the kids something a duty free on the way home (and DH/mil/nanny too I'm sure they'd love a giant toblerone).

If you didn't go now you may not get a chance for a while.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/08/2017 20:32

If you don't sleep on the plane(s) you will get to watch loads of films! News films! When do you ever get a chance to do that Grin

expatinscotland · 28/08/2017 20:35

I travel to see my family in the US every year. It's about 12 hours flying time but the whole journey's about 18 hours. The jet lag is a fecking ballache. Being there for a month makes it worthwhile. For 3 days? No way I'd go.

mineofuselessinformation · 28/08/2017 20:41

Depending on your age (!) it might be wise to factor in a day off work after you get back... But go anyway!

milliemolliemou · 28/08/2017 20:57

Given you have 3 people who can juggle the caring I would make it at least a week inc 2 days to adjust and 2 days back (the latter being the worst for some reason).

If you can't go as PPs have suggested, a lovely short video for them to play would be great.

Original poster
Mamafoof · 28/08/2017 21:55

Thanks everyone. I can't make it one week due to work leave (lack of towards the end of the year) and to be honest, after the wedding I will be keen to get back asap as everyone will have left by then anyway. Watching movies is definitely a pro for going! I am prepared for jet lag and figure that it's a sacrifice to make. My husband says I will never get a chance to do this again in near future and he's right I think. It's one of the last close family weddings. I am just somehow v scared to go!

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Fruitcorner123 · 28/08/2017 22:15

you will regret it if you don't and the kids will be fine

cafetea · 28/08/2017 22:22

It would be nice for you to go to the wedding. You might need a day to recover after the flight home but if you can sleep on the plane you will be ok with the time changes.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/08/2017 08:35

It's just anxiety, understandable but not necessary. My CBT bloke would say look at your worries and decifer if they are useful or not. Worrying that something bad will happen isn't useful, nothing can be done to prepare for this. Worrying that you don't know what to take can be resolve with writing lists and planning etc.

These are obviously just examples but if a worry in your head is one that you can't do anything about try to pop it with a pin, tell it to FO.

Think about getting on the plane, watching movies and having a beverage (alcoholic or non) with no little people coming up and interrupting. It's a one off. Enjoy x

AgentProvocateur · 29/08/2017 08:37

Go - you'll regret it if you don't.

AlpacaLypse · 29/08/2017 08:39

I think you should go!

putdownyourphone · 29/08/2017 08:39

Do it if you can afford to. Yea you might be a bit tired when you return but it'll be worth it.

Auntiedahlia · 29/08/2017 09:57

Do it.

AnnMeredithPerkins · 29/08/2017 10:55

Go!! 3 days isn't long enough for jet lag

I've done loads of short trips to the USA I worked for an airline, and it's fine

And travelling alone is lovely, time to browse what you want to in duty free

AppalachianWalzing · 29/08/2017 11:13

We went to a wedding in the States: similar timeframe (for work reasons could only go for three/four days), landed on the Monday at 8am and went straight into work. It was the wedding of good friends who've moved back home we obviously now don't get to see often. It was a ridiculous amount of money for a few days but actually we've no regrets: had a lot of fun, I know it was appreciated and I think making an effort to go to someone's wedding is a really clear way to communicate that they're important to you.

These friends travelled to our wedding, and for me participating in major life events signals 'yes, we live in different places now but we want to make sure we stay in touch and we value this relationship'

So- go! And have a great time. It sounds like deep down you want to but don't feel able to give yourself permission.

ToesInWater · 29/08/2017 11:49

Your DH is supportive and you can afford it. Go for it!

Tensecondrule · 29/08/2017 11:55

I'm another one saying go for it! Kids will be fine and you'll have a lovely time. I went away for six days when mine were little and they barely noticed 😂

BeALert · 29/08/2017 13:31

Go! Have a wonderful time. Enjoy being child free. Enjoy catching up with family. They will really appreciate that you came.

Original poster
Mamafoof · 29/08/2017 19:34

Thanks all! It's funny as spent the whole day at work thinking how tired I was and thinking how silly I was to contemplate such a long trip if I get so tired from a day at work - and now am encouraged by all your replies and feel like going again! I literally go full circle in a day thinking about this. Thanks Middle for cbt tips! I do suffer from some degree of anxiety so the pin popping is a useful tip.

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