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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH gets sulks and doesn't know why - AIBU to think this is immature in the extreme?

48 replies

sometimesiwakeupgrumpy · 28/08/2017 19:39

So DH occasionally gets grumpy, and when I ask him what's wrong he tells me he doesn't know. I have learnt over time to just leave him to it, but I always gently try and figure out what's wrong (did I do something to piss him off?) and he always responds that he has no idea why he feels grumpy, but he does. Something annoys him, and then he becomes sulky, and he has no idea what it is that annoys him. I find this absolutely bizarre and so immature. I do not do grumpy, I can't bear it. When he's in these moods I treat him gently and kindly and don't shower him with questions (like in the early days) but by the end I start finding it quite pathetic, he behaves like a spoilt child moping around the place.

Sorry for the rant, he's just coming out of a grump now and it's winding me up and I needed to vent so that I don't go and take it out on him. He's not good with criticism.

So good mumsnetters. AIBU? Should I just allow him his occasional 3 day grumps for no reason (as I have been doing)? (For the record he is generally an excellent husband and father). Or is this childish behaviour on his part? And how do I wisely help him with it? (Without resorting to being condescending which is how I know it will come out if I just launch into it).

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 19:43

You never feel a bit down, tired, stressed?

Ilikehappy · 28/08/2017 19:43

Is there genuinely no reason for It? Does he ever tell you later about something that might be upsetting him?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/08/2017 19:44

Sometimes, people just withdraw into them selves and the eternal happy, chirpy chappie constantly mithering with the "whats ups" is annoying. I'd hope you knew his personality before marrying him?

topcat2014 · 28/08/2017 19:44

Returning to work?
Big birthday (40?) approaching.
etc etc

IDoDaChaCha · 28/08/2017 19:46

He's on his man period.

thecatfromjapan · 28/08/2017 19:47

Sulking isn't quite the same as grumpy, i think. In my reckoning, sulking has a slightly passive aggressive quality to it, whereby someone is angry about something but withholds the means of dealing with it (in an adult manner).

If he's sulky, that is immature.

I'm guessing you're picking up on the fact he won't talk about what he is grumpy about but lets everyone else suffer from the bad mood.

Tricky. If he lacks the introspective skills to even work out why he's angry - and it is anger - that is a difficult place to start from.

Happytobefree17 · 28/08/2017 19:47

Has he always been this way OP? Because it sounds like it's just part of his nature. Some people need to withdraw for periods of time, I should know, I do the same.

If you can't bear it then it suggests that you are not compatible.

mumeeee · 28/08/2017 19:47

I sometimes feel down and stressed and I can't pin point why.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 19:49

Tbf when i am feelimf a bit stressed or like i need to withdraw or just be quiet. Someone gently trying to coax a reason out of me wouldnt make me cheer up faster.

I really think its normal for people to withdraw, a little, sometimes.

thecatfromjapan · 28/08/2017 19:52

I hate it too, by the way. I would say Step 1 is to absolutely refuse to think it is something you've done - otherwise it may become a way of controlling you - even if neither of you consciously want it to become that. And you will definitely feel utterly resentful.

Step 2 is to refuse to take responsibility for a. working out his emotions for him b. cheering him up. Again, you will just become more resentful.

Is there any way you could get to the point where he acknowledges he is feeling like this and just take himself off somewhere until it passes. Or better still, recognise it, recognise the effect it has on others, and just ensure he isn't actin in a way that affects the rest of you?

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 28/08/2017 19:53

If he's still doing all his normal chores but feeling shit then id be sympathetic. If he's expecting you to pick up all his jobs then he's being an arse.

thecatfromjapan · 28/08/2017 19:54

I have to say, if it is just withdrawing - which can be interpreted by some people as a kind of withdrawing from them and therefore hurtful - can simply be what some people need to do, sometimes, as other people on this thread are saying.

Is it that? Or something else?

RonSwansonsMoustache · 28/08/2017 19:54

I think lots of people feel tired/irritable/fed up for no reason occasionally - it's normal. No-one is happy all the time!

BUT three day sulks from a grown man are not acceptable. You can be in a bad mood without taking it out on your wife/family. It's not fair that you just have to accept his grumpiness.

YANBU.

thecatfromjapan · 28/08/2017 19:55

3 day grumps? Confused Yikes.

NotTheFordType · 28/08/2017 19:57

Is one (or both) of his parents an addict?

gamerchick · 28/08/2017 19:57

How does he behave though?

Sulks, they get told to fuck off and come back when they're over themselves.

Grumps? Well everyone gets a bit grumpy sometimes but again, if it's regular and let's them opt out of family life then see above.

Loads of patience me Wink

Mrscropley · 28/08/2017 20:01

My exh had these and it became unsettling for the dc. Walking on eggshells isn't healthy for anyone. .

silverbell64 · 28/08/2017 20:03

If this happens a lot and always has then I'd say he's an arse. If it's just started to happen then I'd seek professional help.

honkersbonkers · 28/08/2017 20:17

I could have written this myself. It usually transpires that he is in fact upset about something I have done but will insist there is nothing wrong for 3/4 days before it comes out. It's exhausting. The last time it happened I thought, no, I am not going to be the one to fix it. So I waited it out. 4 days passed and then he apologised profusely and we made up rather than me being the one to sort things as usual. Sometimes, it is supposedly for no reason and he is grumpy/moody/withdrawn and it is only in the last few years he has been like that. It's not ideal because when he is down, I feel down, just a depressing vibe in the house. We've talked about it but so far no solution, suggested counselling, offered a listening ear etc etc, but I do understand how you feel, it's very frustrating.

blacksax · 28/08/2017 20:30

He could be suffering from some sort of depression. That could explain why he gets grumpy like this and can't explain why.

koshary · 28/08/2017 20:31

Likehappy yes sometimes the reason comes out much much later. I find it so frustrating that he can't speak his mind.

Thecatfromjapan Thank you for your responses I think you've got it, that sounds like it. It's as if he doesn't know himself at all and never looks inwards when something's wrong. I spend the whole time tormented trying to think what I did. And then I try to sneakily cheer him up by cooking him the things he likes. Which is possibly not the way to go. He does acknowledge that he's sulking, but he really struggles to see how it affects the people around him.

For the people who are suggesting I either had no clue about his personality or that I'm an insensitive cheerful idiot, firstly, thanks for your helpful responses Wink. Secondly, we know and love each other very much, I am a very sensitive person and I have always treated him with respect, whatever mood he's in.

Notthefordtype - no addicts but his mother is extremely domineering and completely crazy.

Honkersbonkers - thank you - another understanding response is a relief!

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2017 20:32

Sounds really annoying to live with

I can't stand sulking or grumpy behaviour; just so childish. I'd leave him alone for the grumpy periods instead of catering to his behaviour

topcat2014 · 28/08/2017 20:33

Sometimes, (usually owing to work shite) I can be grumpy for a few days until the issue sorts itself.

There isn't really anything I can do to force this - I have always struggled to leave work problems at work - so I just have to struggle on.

I don't want to 'talk' about these - as this just cements them more firmly in the front of the brain!

Original poster
sometimesiwakeupgrumpy · 28/08/2017 20:37

Topcat - I understand this and he has a stressful job and I know that sometimes it's the cause. But more often than not I feel like most of the time when he's grumpy it's just because he hasn't got his own way with something!

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 28/08/2017 20:40

Does he stop interacting for the entirety of these three days - if so? Sounds like he's giving you the silent treatment - which is a form of control!