DH gets sulks and doesn't know why - AIBU to think this is immature in the extreme?

[sometimesiwakeupgrumpy]

So DH occasionally gets grumpy, and when I ask him what's wrong he tells me he doesn't know. I have learnt over time to just leave him to it, but I always gently try and figure out what's wrong (did I do something to piss him off?) and he always responds that he has no idea why he feels grumpy, but he does. Something annoys him, and then he becomes sulky, and he has no idea what it is that annoys him. I find this absolutely bizarre and so immature. I do not do grumpy, I can't bear it. When he's in these moods I treat him gently and kindly and don't shower him with questions (like in the early days) but by the end I start finding it quite pathetic, he behaves like a spoilt child moping around the place.

Sorry for the rant, he's just coming out of a grump now and it's winding me up and I needed to vent so that I don't go and take it out on him. He's not good with criticism.

So good mumsnetters. AIBU? Should I just allow him his occasional 3 day grumps for no reason (as I have been doing)? (For the record he is generally an excellent husband and father). Or is this childish behaviour on his part? And how do I wisely help him with it? (Without resorting to being condescending which is how I know it will come out if I just launch into it).

Ah so if he gets his own way all the time then he's not grumpy? He's manipulative

This can sometimes be symptomatic of general dissatisfaction with things be it life,work,relationship,a mix of all three and more? Add what is perceived to be a lack of control or direction,a nagging partner who seeks to control etc..

I was often told I was grumpy. I did not feel it myself but with 1001 things to be done and not much clue about which to do first (and others changing the priorities for me) it was a situation of tackle the biggest fire first.
My 'grumpy' was interpreted as expecting others to do things for me, which wasn''t really the case (at least I don't think so) I just wanted more time to achieve things.
Trying to 'over analyse' your DH may not be good. You could try to log what he says to see if factors like those mentioned by TBH are behind it. What you do about the 'information' could be tricky. Is he trying to use grumpiness to 'control' you?
I used to feel that I had a list of stuff to do and simply wanted to get on with it on my own, not expecting assistance particularly.

If he had a difficult childhood with a very domineering mother this could still be affecting him. Maybe he needs to get some counselling.

Kids "sulk" for a bit to get what they want. This should be nipped in the bud. For an adult to "sulk" for days then that is an act of abuse. Do you give in? I hope not.

I had a difficult childhood. It's not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Wow 3 day grumps!
Love to be in my own bubble for 3 days

So do these 3 day spells involve just being withdrawn and ignoring you? Or is it snapping and being unkind too?

Men and women process feelings differently. It is just as 'abusive' for a woman to accuse a man of not 'feeling or acting' like a woman, as for the other way around. The OP is concerned and sympathetic and needs some guidance, posters calling her DH 'immature' are probably not helpful. I don't think the OP has suggested he is being manipulative in any way.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that my dh does the same. His mood ends up affecting all of us in the house and makes him extremely unpleasant to be around. We've talked a lot over the years about his mental health and he's made a lot of improvements. He used to have an awful temper which he manages to keep a lid/dissipate now. He's never been diagnosed with any mental health condition, but having worked in mental health I see certain traits that could be consistent with depression and anxiety. What I tend to do now is call him out on his behaviour when it starts in a non critical way and keep reiterating the effect it has on the rest of the family. It's exhausting and I've wanted to leave a number of times but when I see him trying to change and acknowledging the impact I feel it's worth sticking with. His upbringing was screwed up (alcoholic father who physically abused his (depressed) mother and him and his brother) and I know you can't blame everything on that but I can't deny it's had an impact on how he is.

Sometimes I feel a bit meh and irritable and just need to be left alone. If DH constantly bugged me by asking me what was wrong and demanding answers, it would massively piss me off.

It friends on how difficult he gets. If it's 3 days of filling the house with an uncomfortable atmosphere, then I'd say he is bvu. How much for it impact you, and how frequent is it?

Depends, not friends

I have days like this, recently its been quite regular. Its quite strange because I'll be going through a generally stressful situation, not feel stressed about it at the time but then a few days later I go into a 'mood'. It's like my feelings dont surface on time, and once they do the stressful situation has passed, so I haven't then got a reason to feel this way. I hope that makes sense!

I have always, always been like this, but I've only managed to figure out the pattern in the last 2 years or so.
Honestly, I would just leave him to it. Unless it is causing massive tension or ruining your days/plans regularly in which case he needs to find a way to not let it affect you or atleast 'warn' you and say 'I'm feeling this way again, please dont take it the wrong way, I need some time to get it out of my system'

I'm an introvert. If I'm fed up, I prefer to be left in peace. I'll come out of it in my own time. Being chivvied about what's wrong would infuriate me. Suggest you give him space.

What does being sulky mean? What does he do that's different to normal?

I can't help thinking of DD2(5), she can sulk for England lol. Sulking is very childish if it's just because he didn't get his own way. If it's consistently low mood, and it wasn't always this way, then it could be depression. But it doesn't sound like that's the case from what you're saying, OP.

It's ok to feel tired, angry, stressed, depressed, general unspecified malaise. There's two ways to express it:

1. I feel a bit shitty, actually. I'm going to go to bed for a bit, and tomorow I think I'll go out on my own. Sorry if this disrupts our plans.

1. Slamming doors, huffing, snapping at people, yelling at inanimate objects, "I don't care, do what you want" responses to normal questions like 'what should we do for tea'.

Only you know which he is. I lived with a 2 and I think they rarely change or understand the impact they have on those around them.

Mood swings can be a sign of underlying medical problems (e.g Parkinson's - not suggesting he has it but just as an example) - when he's in a better mood do you think it would be worth talking to him about seeing his GP?

I think life is difficult sometimes. Jobs have their difficult aspects and meanwhile family life - especially with young children - has demands. If you look at the political news it is pretty clear that the future is very uncertain.

After twenty years of marriage I frequently find there are times when I just want a bit of my own space. It doesn't mean I don't do my share of the chores or function at work, or make a bit of conversation at meals. But I like to have time to read and reflect.

My husband will sometimes check if anything he's said or done has contributed to my being less cheerful than usual. But if the questioning is too insistent, it can be irritating. I've been known to tell him, 'It's not all about you, you know.' Because while he is a very important in my life, my family, my friends, my colleagues - and even politicians - also have a bearing on how I'm feeling at any one time.

I'd show concern, offer to talk it through but if he's using being grumpy to punish you for some unknown reason then I'd take myself off out for the day, switch off the phone and have some 'me time'.
Works like a charm. Especially if your exit is breezy and your return is well after eight hours or more, preferably armed with something you'd bought just for yourself.
If you reward gratuitous grumpiness, sulks or moodiness with attention, concern or self blame, you are feeding into the other person's ego to the detriment of your own. And it can become habitual.
Obviously, if there is a genuine reason for his unhappiness you want to help; but if he won't tell you what it is, you can't help. And he needs to know that silently designating you as the emotional punchbag in the relationship is a total deal breaker.

Everyone has 'up and down' moods so it is the responsibility of close friends/relatives/partners to be at least a bit sensitive to them.
There will usually be a 'reason' for mood changes, either health issues, work issues or something and as a partner you should try at least to understand. OK there will be some instances of manipulation but if they are normally fine then the cause should be investigated.
Men are renowned for not dealing with emotions in a way that women might and even OP's DP may not understand himself exactly what the problem is. I reputedly 'get grumpy' or sulk but I don't necessarily want anything from anyone else except some time and space to do things without having to make yet more decisions. I would happily make a meal but not want to have to decide what to make as my head is already buzzing with too many questions. When stressed/overtired jobs that I think should be quick and easy aren't, so frustration sets in so huffing and snapping can result but it is not necessarily related to other peoples actions/inactions but my own feeling of 'failure'.
To simply label this behaviour as 'childish' is an insult unless it is PROVEN that there are no real issues.

Is there a link to sex/intimacy perhaps around these times? (e.g. time of the month) We've seen that in a lot of threads around here.