In thinking it's rude to assume you can visit someone every day without asking!

[Peopleplease]

Have had a few boundary issues with BIL in the past with him just turning up and walking into my house (I would nearly always have the door locked but it freaked me out to hear the handle rattle and once DH didn't lock the door and I walked out of the bedroom to see a figure in the hall and screamed). He was unemployed and bored at home so used to come visit me and his nieces.

Anyway he moved a few months ago and is coming home for a few days to a week I'm not sure.

FIL said he'd call in his way home from the airport (note told me, not asked me) which I let go because I live between the airport and their house so it makes sense.

Anyway DH was at PILs yesterday and apparently BIL plans to visit EVERY fucking day. I get on ok with him but we have nothing in common and I'm having a tough time with the DDs at the moment and don't want him here EVERY day.

DH said something like 'oh people won't be happy with that' and MIL was asking why not!!

Fuck sake. I need to start practicing 'it was great seeing you today, see you again in 2 days time!'

Or do I suck it up because he just wants to see his nieces and usher around that much any more?

If he is oblivious then you are probably best treating it exactly like he does have SN. I have had to do this with family members with ASD but it works on the NT oblivious too.

Spell it out in clear, simple, unemotional language. These are the rules of when you can visit. This is how you must arrange a visit. This is what will happen if you try to visit without arranging correctly. No judgement, no emotion, simple statements of your rules, which you must then enforce on yourselves and on him.

You, or better your DH, need to take the initiative and propose some plans with him and perhaps your PILs too. So 'how about BIL comes to us for dinner on x day. Perhaps we could all come to you PILs, another day?' Then he has something definite to look forward to.

You can also say 'the dds and I are quite busy this week, so don't just drop round. We'll look forward to seeing you on x day'. Or your DH could say that!

wauden it's a bungalow.

I like the idea of arranging to go to PIL to enable you to control how long you are there for.

He panics if you're not in when he calls round? Does he think you've fallen off a cliff?

Could you take the kids to see your DM or hell with cushions soft play?

Tell your husband you're taking the kids out, then go. You've got no reason hide out waiting for the weirdo to turn up. I also like the idea of putting on a coat to answer the door like pp said!

I totally see both sides. In your position I would be annoyed, but I can also understand him wanting to see the kids as much as possible since they used to see him all the time.

It's just not acceptable. Offer him one (or two) days when it is convenient for him to visit but make it clear you are busy the rest of the time. End of story. Inform your DH too so there is no panicking. You need your privacy. Don't answer your door or alternatively go out. Be careful not to let him in in on days you said you were busy as this will only encourage the behaviour.

What does he actually do when he visits?

Why can't your DH just tell them that he emphatically won't be coming round every day, and arrange one specific date when he can come to see his nieces?

I think he fancies you.

Does he visit when DH is there or not?

Hmmm.

I am being lighthearted, but many a true word was spoken in jest.