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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's rude to assume you can visit someone every day without asking!

59 replies

Peopleplease · 28/08/2017 15:17

Have had a few boundary issues with BIL in the past with him just turning up and walking into my house (I would nearly always have the door locked but it freaked me out to hear the handle rattle and once DH didn't lock the door and I walked out of the bedroom to see a figure in the hall and screamed). He was unemployed and bored at home so used to come visit me and his nieces.

Anyway he moved a few months ago and is coming home for a few days to a week I'm not sure.

FIL said he'd call in his way home from the airport (note told me, not asked me) which I let go because I live between the airport and their house so it makes sense.

Anyway DH was at PILs yesterday and apparently BIL plans to visit EVERY fucking day. I get on ok with him but we have nothing in common and I'm having a tough time with the DDs at the moment and don't want him here EVERY day.

DH said something like 'oh people won't be happy with that' and MIL was asking why not!!

Fuck sake. I need to start practicing 'it was great seeing you today, see you again in 2 days time!'

Or do I suck it up because he just wants to see his nieces and usher around that much any more?

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/08/2017 16:01

How to deal with the BIL - I might try first speaking to your FIL and saying that you are going to be out and about on the day they are due to pick him up, but not being more than half an hour away from home, could he call your mobile when they've got an ETA so you can be sure to be back for them. Then when your BIL and FIL turn up, say there and then, "we've got a few things booked ths week with getting ready for back to school, we're not in much for the next few days, and are out tomorrow, how about dinner the day after? If you come over around 4 we'll be back and you can play with the DDs for a bit before DH comes home from work."

Set limits, be clear you are going to be out a lot. Then be out alot.

Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/08/2017 16:01

He'd freak if I suggested leaving them with him!! (Might be a way of getting rid of him)

He gets really anxious and nervous and wouldn't know one end of a nappy from the other!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 28/08/2017 16:03

Why isn't your dh sorting out his db and dm? They sound as bad as each other.
I'm not sure my mil would even have had my parents phone number.
All a bit close for my liking.
get them told and if your dh doesn't sort it you'll have to do it yourself, I'm afraid.
Tell him to man up or bil will have had several wasted journeys that week. Or send him to dh workplace

indulgentberries · 28/08/2017 16:03

Invite a male friend over (discuss this with your DH first!) and then answer the door with your friend behind you and tell BIL that you were busy and he can't come in now.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/08/2017 16:04

No OP - I didn't mean leave the DDs with him, I ment go out for the day with the DDs!

Just say "Oh, we're about to go to my Mums/my friend's, sorry, wish youd called first, she's expecting us..."

Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/08/2017 16:04

invisable I like that a lot! Thank you.

PIL (who are normally pretty good with boundaries) pander to him a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/08/2017 16:06

I'm laughing at the idea of him cleaning or doing something useful!

A few years ago he called MIL about how to cook spring rolls - while standing in the kitchen holding the box of spring rolls!! Another time he called to ask was there hot water - he was home, MIL was not.

He's 42.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 28/08/2017 16:06

Is he practical? Do you have any gardening or repairing of things that he could do while he´s there? It might give his visits more of a purpose and if you get something out of it, you might feel more tolerant of him?

It sounds like he has poor social skills. Maybe he really enjoys spending time with you and your kids and he´s coming for the week because of missing you all? Annoying as you don´t want to see him, but also quite sweet.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/08/2017 16:07

Being out helps, even if you have to go hide at your Mums, he'll soon learn a breezy "oh goodness, I can't stand being in the house all day, we're so busy, you just call first and we'll make sure you don't have a wasted journey."

sunglassally · 28/08/2017 16:12

Manchild with ishooooos.

Anyway, I am sure he would like to see you and the girls, so why not bring them to HIM at PIL's house one day, then invite him over to yours (once) before he goes back. I think that's a fair compromise.

Give him the date and time you will be having him over. Arrange something else for the other days.

Sounds like a very strange individual to me, but what do I know?

Originalfoogirl · 28/08/2017 16:12

Sounds like he has some kind of problem. I'd be telling him straight, I didn't want him there all the time.

OnTheRise · 28/08/2017 16:12

Do whatever you want to do. Go out or stay in, it's up to you. Just keep the door locked.

He will knock. Answer the door and tell him it's not convenient, and he should have phoned first. Then shut the door and lock it again, and if he knocks again don't answer.

Do that every time he arrives. He will or won't get the message, but it's his problem, not yours.

bakingaddict · 28/08/2017 16:13

Just tell everyone it's not convenient for you to have him visit every day. Get on the phone and tell PIL he can come around for say 2 days out of the week. Stand your ground, say you've got things to do otherwise you'll have this all the time. You shouldn't be a hostage in your own house. Are your IL's palming him off to you so they can have their own space?

MimsyFluff · 28/08/2017 16:15

Does he have any SN? My brother was always around before we moved away he has a mild learning disability and didn't have any friends Sad new area

badg3r · 28/08/2017 16:18

Ah, i see there is not much hope of him being useful then! It sounds like he is probably used to people telling him straight if he is that clueless. I would say to him directly that you don't want him to come round every day. Leave the kids with the GPs for a day or two and he can see them there.

kaytee87 · 28/08/2017 16:19

Can I ask if it's possible he has learning disabilities? The only reason I ask is that he sounds a bit like my bil who has learning disabilities.

Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/08/2017 16:19

He definitely doesn't have any SN, just an oblivious man child.

Before he left PIL were kinda desperate for him to go, I'm kinda wondering if he spends too much time at home PIL might be worried he won't leave again!!

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 28/08/2017 16:19

Cross post mimsy

Original poster
Peopleplease · 28/08/2017 16:22

I think I'm making him sound worse than he is.

All the above is true but he's also a qualified tradesman and when the bottom fell out of that went and did some courses to qualify in something else (I'm being deliberately vague!). The problem is the 'something else' is very niche and hard to get a foot in the door. Along with BIL being unwilling to start at the bottom and work his way up. He thinks, because he's older, he should start at a higher level Hmm

OP posts:
Wauden · 28/08/2017 16:29

It seems weird that he walked into your house just like that and went upstairs and you saw him in the hall. That would be creepy to me.
Hitchcock film?!? Shock

AnneBiscuit · 28/08/2017 16:34

Wauden OP said:

If I didn't answer the door and my car was outside he'd walk all around the house looking in the windows and it's a bungalow.

SapphireStrange · 28/08/2017 16:35

I have zero tolerance for this kind of carry-on. Tell your DH in no uncertain terms to sort out his brother's fucking behaviour. Who do he and PILs think they are?

If DH hedges or demurs, tell him that in that case, next time BIL turns up you will tell him to piss off and stop coming round when he hasn't been invited. And then do it if necessary.

Mummaofboys · 28/08/2017 16:39

He wants to see you all especially his nieces, I think it's lovely 😊 it's only for a week and if you really don't want him just turning up just ask him to txt you before he arrives to 'make sure your in' let BIL babysit whilst you go and get shopping etc child free!

Appuskidu · 28/08/2017 16:41

Why on earth didn't your husband tell him to back off?!

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 28/08/2017 16:41

If he's not able to pick up on normal social hints and cues then he is going to need you to be clear and explicit the way you would with a child, or an adult with SN.

"You may come round (x times) this week, and stay for (x time). What day(s) will you be coming? Ok, we'll see you then."

If he arrives on another day/time "this isn't one of the days we planned, is it? So it's not ok to visit now. We'll see you on x at x like we agreed. Bye now."

Cheerful but firm. Either the light will come on as you've found his wave length, or if it's not innocent lack of social skills you'll get more information on what's going on here.