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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to reserve baby names?!?

73 replies

sausagesaremyfave · 28/08/2017 11:45

This is weird I know.... but in a nutshell my sister and I have never gotten on. We didn't speak for a long time after I gave birth to my daughter because when I told my sister her name she went batshit.. the day after I gave birth, which wasn't straight forward by any means.
The reason for this was apparently I 'stole' her baby name. She wasn't ttc at the time, we didn't EVER discuss names because I strictly told everyone I wasn't talking about it. I wanted zero opinions on names.
You would have thought after a late miscarriage previously and difficulty ttc she would have just been happy for me! Confused
Fast forward to now, she's ttc and she knows I would like another one anytime in the near future. She wants to reserve baby names so that I don't 'steal' anymore but I think this is batshit and I'm not going to be told I can't have any baby names from a list as long as my bloody arm?!?
AIBU to tell her that this won't be happening?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 28/08/2017 12:28

I wouldn't get as far into this as allowing her to even give you the list.
If she'd had one name that she had always loved and asked you not to use and then you deliberately used it, I would see why she was upset, but this is different. She wants to ban you from using a whole list because one day she eill want to use one of them. Totally batshit.
Don't get involved in even looking at the names.
I think you did well before, when you declined to even discuss your choices. I think that is your way forward.

EssentialHummus · 28/08/2017 12:30

She wants to ban you from using a whole list because one day she eill want to use one of them. Totally batshit.

Yup. And I'd put money on the fact that if the list includes Sophia, you'll have hell to pay if you use Sophie, Sonya, Saffron, Sandra or Helen. She's being nuts.

riceuten · 28/08/2017 12:32

Yes, this is batshit. I'd return the list and say "thanks for the information, but I will call my child whatever the fuck I want"

shockthemonkey · 28/08/2017 12:33

Batshit. Even more batshit to reserve a WHOLE LIST of names.

It would be easier to understand if she had ONE girl's name and ONE boy's name she wanted to reserve -- but still unreasonable.

Ylvamoon · 28/08/2017 12:38

I'm on the side of your sister.... well a little bit! Simply because I had a favourite boys name since I was little. So my baby boy is going be have this name, nothing else will do! So, yes I would have been very upset if my sister would have used it. But, everyone knows about it and my lovely sister is blessed with 2 beautiful girls!

2rebecca · 28/08/2017 12:39

You shouldn't start thinking of names until you are pregnant. You then decide on a name but don't tell anyone until after the birth unless you genuinely want everyone to have an opinion on your name and tell you why it is/isn't a good idea.
The name is only your baby's name after you have had the baby and named it.
Under the circumstances to mend bridges I might tell my sister that if she gave me her top boy and girl names (one of each) I wouldn't use them, but no lists of names and the name doesn't belong to the parents it belongs to the baby when you have had the baby.
Your tastes in names change a bit as you get older anyway.

2rebecca · 28/08/2017 12:41

As you get older cousins' paths don't cross that much anyway. I see my cousins every few years now. If all 3 of us female cousins had the same name it really wouldn't matter.

VinoTime · 28/08/2017 12:43

I won't lie, I breathed a total sigh of relief when neither of my two cousins, who were pregnant at around the same time as me, picked 'my' baby name. If one of them had chosen it, yes, it probably would have made me a little weepy and very disappointed. But it's a name. You can't demand stakes on these things. IME, it's better to just keep your choices private and let everybody know the choice once baby has arrived.

Ignore her, OP. YANBU.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 12:43

OP how would you feel if used the same name anyway?

chocorabbit · 28/08/2017 12:44

Tell her you won't even discuss it as she might give you ideas and she will end up regretting it Wink

Seriously, she might give you a long list of "forbidden" names which you might quite like and then tell you "but I told you so". Refuse to listen.

It seems that PPs have already given you wise advice.

MsPassepartout · 28/08/2017 12:45

If my sister had a name she loved, that she wanted to reserve for a future DC, then I'd probably agree not to use it for one of my DC.

But. My sister is generally reasonable, she'd not ask to "reserve" more than one name per sex, and if I refused, I really can't see her making a fuss about it.

Your sister does not sound very reasonable. In your position, if I was going to agree to her demands and avoid names off a list of unspecified length, I would first make sure that she knows that you like some particular names.
You tell her you like names xyz, get mutual relatives / friends to tell her you really really like names xyz.
Only thing that matters about these names are that they're ones you might plausibly use, but that actually you wouldn't consider using.

Just because she sounds like the sort who'd try to get at you by reserving your favourite names as well as her actual favourite name.

LML83 · 28/08/2017 12:47

If you know your names then ask to see her list and hopefully they aren't on it. Then you can reassure her there is no clash.
Only if she likes the same one is there any issue.

You don't have to. She can't reserve a name. Seems like a quick win if you can help though.

Goingtobeawesome · 28/08/2017 12:48

But why would she know? Surely most people don't even tell their parents never mind siblings etc.

WhenLoveAndCakeCollide · 28/08/2017 12:49

You could have called DD Artemia Smirffwarden Klingdad III and it would still have been the name she wanted to use.

^ Yes. This.

I had my first child, a daughter, eight weeks ago. When DH and I notified family of the name, one of my cousins (pregnant with her fourth child) went crazy, saying in a message, "it's my favorite girl's name ever, how could you do this to me?"

Her 'favorite girl's name ever' comment might have believable, if it wasn't for the fact her three children are ALL girls, and she hasn't used the name in any capacity, even as a middle name. Favorite girl's name ever? I call bullshit!

Some people just like to cause drama. Ignore her.

chocorabbit · 28/08/2017 12:51

Why can't all your DP's grandchildren have exactly the same names Grin

Like in this (otherwise not great)

BakedBeans47 · 28/08/2017 12:52

Tell her to grow up.

No way would I be enabling this immature bullshit.

AlpacaLypse · 28/08/2017 12:53

We've got five girls/women in our extended family - close enough to see several times a year - with the same first name. Meh. We get through the potential confusion with Granny xxx, Auntie xxx, Big xxx, Small xxx and Tiny xxx. None of the xxx's seem to mind, one is my daughter and another my sister. If anything I suspect they look down on us lot who only have one or two others of the same names!

treesandlampposts · 28/08/2017 12:53

Oh fgs just tell her to name her kid the same thing if she wants to! I have relatives who did this! Really hasn't caused any harm

FlandersRocks · 28/08/2017 12:54

My worry is that I'm really picky with names

Everyone is when naming their child tho, I don't think anyone picks their kids name out of a hat!

Well not quite picking out of a hat but I disagree that everyone is 'picky' with names.

For ds1, there was one name that we both loved. Easy. He was named months before birth and it never needed any discussion.

For ds2 and ds3, dh picked the final name because, in the nicest way possible, I really wasn't that bothered. We both chatted and over months, came up with about 5 names each time that we liked. Then dh chose his favourite from that list and I was happy enough that he loved the name iyswim. For me, the name isn't all that important...whatever you call them, they grow into the name and it just becomes 'them'. I've never had the angst of 'X or Y' or trying to choose the perfect name.

Petalflowers · 28/08/2017 12:55

I don't think her request is too unreasonable, if it's only a couple of boys or girls names, especially if you haven't actually started thinking of names yet. Obviously, a long list would be unreasonable. Why don't you compromise and ask for her top couple of names and promise you won't use them (#peacekeeper).

happypoobum · 28/08/2017 12:56

YANBU - she is an idiot.

If you really think she would try to "steal" a name you really liked I would definitely be tempted to tell her you like something horrible. I might have done this

eggsandwich · 28/08/2017 13:05

I had the same thing with my Sil when I was pregnant with my Dd my Sil didn't want me to us a particular name if I had a girl as she wanted the name, she wasn't even ttc.

My sister said to her don't be ridiculous you can't tell people not to pick a name because you want it should you have a girl, the funny thing is she went on to have three boys so never got to us the name.

MargaretTwatyer · 28/08/2017 13:15

Hmm. I would be interested to hear the sisters side of this. I had a girls name I really liked and a friend used it. I had mentioned it to her and she claims she has no memory of that and heard it elsewhere but I don't entirely believe her. The worst thing is that it's a name from my husban's culture which she has absolutely no connection to and they mispronounce it badly and try (and fail) to say it in a particular regional accent. It sounds like they're taking the piss out to someone from that culture. It's rather like someone French having a northern British name like Betty or Hilda and all their family pronounce it in a comedy northern accent every time they say it. I've got over it, but it was a little hurtful.

I would agree to one or two names for each. In fact the fact that you're not even receptive to a minimal agreement does make me suspect that you may not be quite as innocent as your making out and there might be some sort of power struggle going on here.

Enko · 28/08/2017 13:19

My sister did this to me when I was expecting dd2. Only DSis had a 6 year older daughter and no plans to ever have another child She Still wanted to be allowed to reserve the name I mentioned. (This was a variant of our grandmothers name too so both of us likely to want it as we like naming after someone)

DD2 in the end didnt get this name but that was because dh and I decided against it. I told Dsis she was not getting anywhere with me on that one.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/08/2017 13:52

Don't even look at her ridiculous list. Once you have, that will be taken as 'agreement'

'I'm not discussing names at all, with anyone.'

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