To not trust DD with MIL?

[Twounder]

First off, not a MIL bashing thread. I do like my MIL and am keen to maintain a good relationship with her and FIL for the sake of DH and DD (9 months).

By way of background PIL live in another country so see us and DD around every 2 months for a few days. They love DD a lot. She's the first DG (and our PFB).

However, almost every time MIL looks after DD (usually for 10 mins - 30 mins) she gets hurt. I appreciate that accidents happen. I also appreciate that at 9 months old, DD is crawling/exploring and cruising so bumps and scrapes are more likely. But if someone else is willingly looking after my child, AIBU to expect them to do as good a job as I would do, which includes identifying risks and managing them?

Last time we visited PIL, MIL took DD for a walk and slipped and fell down a wet metal fire escape. Luckily neither MIL nor DD were hurt (just shaken up), but why the hell did she think walking down slippery metal stairs was a good idea?? Likewise today, we are leaving PIL's house for the airport and DD has a massive bruise on her cheekbone from where she fell whilst I was in the shower and MIL was supervising.

I also feel that PIL have a tendency to minimise/ cover up any accidents - presumably so they will not upset me for fear that wouldn't bring DD over and they would see DD even less. When I got out of the shower today, MIL was walking around with tearful DD and FIL was hastily packing away their home-made high chair, so despite them only explaining what happened to DH in their language and making shrugging / "it's nothing" gestures, it wasn't hard to put 2 and 2 together.

I admit that DD is our PFB and I struggle to relax when she is being looked after by someone else, but I feel like when it comes to MIL my feelings are justified as I am waiting for the inevitable accident. In addition, MIL is a nursery teacher so I would expect her to know that DD needs careful supervision and to follow her around if she's cruising, or remove sharp objects / ones she could choke on.

I hate the way I feel like a helicopter parent around DD when I am with PIL (constantly following her around topping up suncream, removing unsuitable small toys, making sure she's drunk enough water, doesn't eat things she finds on the floor) but I don't feel like I can trust MIL to do an adequate job. AIBU?

Title should say "to not trust MIL with DD" obviously. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Presumably she brought up her own children without too much mishap?

Why the hell wasshe climbing down a metal fire escape with a baby on her arms???

It does sound like she's not supervising her properly so I would just not let her have her alone. Where was DH whilst you were in the shower?

Yes you sound very anxious. My 8m.old was on the floor this morning happily eating my converse.

Why was she walking down a fire escape? Was there a a fire?

How did she fall whilst you were in the shower? Is she not too good on her feet normally?

My MIL is like this with my nephew....more accidents occurr when he's with her and I"ve seen her just sort of ignoring him whilst he careers about like a loony.

I don't think you should leave DD alone with her. MIL looks after nephew whilst his Mum works...I wouldn't leave my toddler with her though.

Totally appreciate if I am being over-anxious.

Yes, DH and his sister are in good health and never had any big accidents whatsoever.

I'm not sure why or how she fell - no one would explain it to me (we don't speak the same language) and DH wasn't in the room at the time as he was packing.

My MIL was like this. We never let her babysit.
MN will usually mention that MILs raised their own DCs and, of course, that's true. But in our case, DH was very unhappy with how MIL supervised him and his siblings when they were children so we never had any arguments about limiting her access to DS.

You sound way ott OP. Your MIL has brought up her own children up without any calamity happening to them I guess?

I think you should trust your instincts, if you don't trust that your MIL no matter how lovely properly supervises your DD then that is good enough.

My MIL pretends her vision is perfect, and is clumsy as a result - we don't even leave the dog alone with her (after she trod on him - a white dog on a navy carpet - she "didn't see him") let alone the kids.

I think you have to take stock - how many accidents, why the accidents are happening and just decide if it is ALL "out of the ordinary" or recurrent enough to warrant them not being alone with your child.

Perhaps there is a medical problem, could this be a point where you suggest she sees a doctor or optician?

I wouldn't. I certainly don't leave my children alone with my FIL (he is also quite reckless with them). For the first two years of DS1 life I didn't even let him be with FIL in MIL supervision. She's improved a bit though so now I don't worry so much.

Beyond - my MiL is the same, won't wear her bloody glasses! I won't get in the car with her.

Long term could you learn their language to help communication?
I'll leave my kids in the house with MiL now they are both over 2 (and eldest tells me everything in minute detail)

How many decades is it since MiL last had a toddler of her own? At that time her instincts and hormones would have been up on high like OPs are. It's no criticism of MiL, but just because 20 plus years ago she did this perfectly it doesn't mean she still has the exact same reflexes and vigilance she had at the time, and you forget so fast how on the ball you have to be with a crawling baby unless you're living with one.

I wouldn't be saying anything but would be managing it so dd wasn't left alone with PiL while she's awake and active until she's a bit older and more independent so that she's less vulnerable.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would allow them to see DD but only with supervision! Does seem like they aren't very careful.

Yanbu. Yes MILs have raised children but this could have been 30 years ago. Failing sight, slightly slowing reflexes, hearing loss can all be contributing factors for the small accidents. For example I won't allow my DM to drive my DCs anywhere as her reactions are not great and I've witnessed quite a few near misses while in her car with her,although she denies every one.

I was (and still am) very anxious when my sons were little regarding watching them closely etc and it may be that because your MIL has a more relaxed attitude, your DD is 'allowed' to do more where you would normally scoop her up quickly to avoid problems and preempt what could happen. I understand your concerns but it's a tricky one because you need other people to help out, particularly grandparents and especially when they're not around daily and it's also good for your child. Maybe ask your DH to mention about her bruises etc and get them to realise they need to be far more vigilant

You sound way ott OP. Your MIL has brought up her own children up without any calamity happening to them I guess?

And how many years ago was that?

I do carefully watch over my DGC but it isn't as easy as it was 30 years ago!

YANBU, trust your gut.

Twounder

re your comment:-
"I do like my MIL and am keen to maintain a good relationship with her and FIL for the sake of DH and DD (9 months)".

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, you are putting your own most precious of resource in the care of people who really are not able to supervise your child adequately. You would not for instance tolerate this from a childminder. MIL walking down a wet metal fire escape was really a disaster waiting to happen in any event and they covering up their neglectful duty of care is a serious problem as well. The above comment anyway is also not a good enough reason to maintain a relationship.

Your H is key here and you both need to present a united front.
What does your H think of his parents behaviours?. Does he regard what they do as "normal" because of his own conditioning?. Is he a man or a mouse when it comes to his parents?.

Raise your own too low boundaries here.

Where's you husband in all of this?

As you say, falls & bumps happen-but is there a lot of clutter or stuff to fall against for example?

What's the story of the high chair & the fire escape for goodness sake?

And a bump in the few minutes that it took to shower?

When you are both there though, why is anything up to MIL?

You shower, your husband supervises, he packs, you supervise.

When these bumps happen, is it a case of you & your husband just wandering off & expecting MIL to know that she now needs to be supervising?

It's perfectly true that MIL brought up her children and carried them around safely but that was around thirty-odd years ago when she was steadier on her feet.

Many people refuse to admit that they can't manage those things as well as they used to. It's a denial about the passing years - my ILs were like this and it's not helpful when it comes to managing practical things as they won't admit that there's a problem. I don't blame you for your reluctance about leaving DD with her. If they're trying to hide injuries or play them down it implies that they feel guilty about them so hopefully they'll be more careful in future.

I would be very wary about leaving your LO with your MiL. She may have brought up her own children, but that was 30+ years ago.

I am a MiL and I look after my DGS, but when I am looking after him, I do nothing, absolutely nothing else but be with him. He is just so quick and an accident can happen in a second.

The fact you are posting about this, speaks volumes to me, follow your gut instinct.

What is a home made high chair? They sound unable to handle it all. Are they elderly? I wouldn't feel comfortable either. Why is your DH not backing you up? Sounds like you're doing all the parenting.

Yanbu. I don't know why people always say 'oh well she looked after her own children ok' .... yes how many years ago though!
My mum has said it's much harder looking after a baby / toddler now she's older, she triple checks everything, gets us to write down what times naps are to be / what he's to eat etc. and is far more safety conscious than I am. I would much rather that than someone who is over confident and brushes accidents under the rug.
Walking down a wet fire escape holding a baby (when there's no fire) shows a big lapse in judgement imo.