To not trust DD with MIL?

[Twounder]

First off, not a MIL bashing thread. I do like my MIL and am keen to maintain a good relationship with her and FIL for the sake of DH and DD (9 months).

By way of background PIL live in another country so see us and DD around every 2 months for a few days. They love DD a lot. She's the first DG (and our PFB).

However, almost every time MIL looks after DD (usually for 10 mins - 30 mins) she gets hurt. I appreciate that accidents happen. I also appreciate that at 9 months old, DD is crawling/exploring and cruising so bumps and scrapes are more likely. But if someone else is willingly looking after my child, AIBU to expect them to do as good a job as I would do, which includes identifying risks and managing them?

Last time we visited PIL, MIL took DD for a walk and slipped and fell down a wet metal fire escape. Luckily neither MIL nor DD were hurt (just shaken up), but why the hell did she think walking down slippery metal stairs was a good idea?? Likewise today, we are leaving PIL's house for the airport and DD has a massive bruise on her cheekbone from where she fell whilst I was in the shower and MIL was supervising.

I also feel that PIL have a tendency to minimise/ cover up any accidents - presumably so they will not upset me for fear that wouldn't bring DD over and they would see DD even less. When I got out of the shower today, MIL was walking around with tearful DD and FIL was hastily packing away their home-made high chair, so despite them only explaining what happened to DH in their language and making shrugging / "it's nothing" gestures, it wasn't hard to put 2 and 2 together.

I admit that DD is our PFB and I struggle to relax when she is being looked after by someone else, but I feel like when it comes to MIL my feelings are justified as I am waiting for the inevitable accident. In addition, MIL is a nursery teacher so I would expect her to know that DD needs careful supervision and to follow her around if she's cruising, or remove sharp objects / ones she could choke on.

I hate the way I feel like a helicopter parent around DD when I am with PIL (constantly following her around topping up suncream, removing unsuitable small toys, making sure she's drunk enough water, doesn't eat things she finds on the floor) but I don't feel like I can trust MIL to do an adequate job. AIBU?

Thanks everyone - including those who say I'm being OTT. I agree I can be with MIL because of previous incidents.

I do think I will just have to explain more clearly that at this age DD must not be left alone. DH has a tendency to be overly laid back but is going to have a word with his DM about being more vigilant

No you're not being ott.Accidents where the kids hurt themselves, running, jumping are one thing.But these accidents that could have been avoided.

Who in their right mind walks down a wet fire escape, really that's some hard of thinking right there.Get your H onside and don'tleave your MIL with the baby.

"DH has a tendency to be overly laid back but is going to have a word with his DM about being more vigilant"

Why wouldn't you just make sure that MIL isn't left to supervise?

Even though your MIL is a nursery school teacher, that doesn't necessarily mean she's still able to watch over a very young baby. I would be very concerned about all of the "accidents" your daughter keeps having while in her care. As for you being, or not being, overprotective, you have every right to be. This is your child and you can parent any way you wish to. When my kids were toddlers, I wouldn't have left them alone with my father for anything! And my dad is a wonderful, loving man! He just doesn't fully appreciate how closely small children/babies need to be monitored. When I was growing up, my mum stayed at home and he worked, so he just doesn't remember how full on it is.

Oh no yanbu. It's all well and good that your husband is unscathed, although if she's always been so haphazard then luck has probably played a part. Accidents are supposed to be one-offs, not par for the course. You'd always be wondering what's next. Maybe she'll be much better to have one on one time with DD when she's older and takes less running round after.

YANBU. I would not leave my PFB in someone's care who had demonstrated through multiple incidents that they were not paying sufficient attention/unable to properly assess risks. Please trust your instincts. If something major happened you would never forgive yourself.

I don't think this even has to be a big conversation or showdown or whatever. Just make sure PIL never have DD alone. Oh sorry that's not convenient, oh wouldn't it be nicer to do it all together as a family, etc. A big old confrontation is never going to go down well as clearly PIL don't see there is a problem. And if your DH doesn't see a problem either then there's no point arguing about it.

I'm doing exactly this with my DM who through stubbornness, vanity and sheer ignorance has demonstrated she is not fit to look after my PFB.

As PP said you would not tolerate this behaviour from a childminder or a friend so why from a family member? Family members must not be given a license to mistreat or endanger a child.

Yanbu. My MIL will never be minding DS alone for a few reasons. One of which is 'if a baby turns blue that's wind'. So fuck knows what else she would ignore if it was serious

RuggerHug

Good grief! I wouldn't leave a dog alone with your MIL!

Mobile babies have accidents! I would be concerned if she wasn't mobile and having accidents.

Well User that's some advanced baby, walking down a wet fire escape.

Look if it was only accidents that all babies have that's one thing g.

But it seems to me MIL is not taking the proper precautions.Or thinks she knows it all and the op is pfb.

YANBU. Your child has suffered physical injury and bruises. You are right to be uncomfortable with her (lack of) supervision. No matter who it is, this should not occur on this level and should definitely not be minimized. You are right to limit contact to when you are able to be present. Your child's safety is paramount.

Yeah, I had some of this with my MIL.
I felt that part of it was that the last time she had looked after children, they had been a lot older - yes, her own children obviously, but her most recent memories of "looking after them", they would probably have been 7 or so (they don't need so much "looking after" beyond that). And certainly whenever I was there too, it was apparent that MIL seemed to expect my DSs to be far more capable than they were at the very young ages.

So Ds1's hand wasn't held while he went scrambling over oyster-covered rocks, allowing him to slip and cut his hands on them.
He wasn't protected while on a jetty, allowing him to fall into the (admittedly shallow but still) water.
Other things like this.

The worst one though, was when she took him into the lake, something I had expressly forbidden as he couldn't swim at all, and while holding him, she slipped and lost her footing. DH was baiting a fish hook at the time so didn't immediately notice that she'd disappeared underwater, holding DS1 over her head. He had to jump in and save them both. If he hadn't noticed, they could have both drowned - but oh no, I was the unreasonable overprotective PFB mother.

That's awful ThumbWitches.

You know instinctively. Trust that instinct. I never left dd with fil. He isn't capable of looking after a child. Dh is an only child and was always told by his mother they had just one because he was such a handful. I suspect the truth is that his mother couldn't cope with having another child because of how his dad is.

I have similar problems with my MIL, she brought up 3 children but that was 40+ years ago and she is a very different person now. She is fine whilst really watching my girls (17 months and 2 yrs 10 months) but is so easily distracted. This is not such an issue when she visit us but when we stay with her it is much more so. Their house is a beautiful old 16 century farmhouse / death trap! Leathal stairs, flagstone floors, open fires, aga in the kitchen, doors left open to the garden with deep pond. Her and FIL repeatedly refuse to help make their house more toddler friendly (we asked if we could buy a stair gate to leave there and were told they didn't have the space - it's a 4 bed house with extensive outbuildings and the 2 of them living there).
We deal with this by trying to limit out stays with them to just one night and making sure the girls aren't left without us at any point- it's tricky and v stressful so you have my sympathy.

I'm not sure why or how she fell - no one would explain it to me (we don't speak the same language)

Do they speak English, though? If so, that alone is completely unacceptable.

I wouldn't bother having a word - i would just stop unsupervised contact till DD is older.

I wouldn't bother having a word because if someone is too frail, unsteady or careless to look after a toddler properly then no amount of 'words' will change it.

In the end DD is your responsibility and part of that is not to leave her with anyone who cannot or will not take good enough care.

My MIL raised 5 children to adulthood, and minded two of my DN until they started school, however the first time I left DS1 with her at her house while I had a shower I came back to find him with a bleeding lip which she didn't even know he had, let alone how he got it. That, coupled with her habit of crossing the road by pushing the pram into oncoming traffic, gave me the heebeegeebies. She was ten times better than my DM though because she would at least apologise when confronted - my DM would deny ever having put DC out in the back garden alone while she had a sit down in the front room, even if I'd come back and found them paddling in her large unfenced pond, unsupervised No I was just imagining it.

Shesnorman that's crazy!I would have been livid.My MIL and I had a huge falling out when I came to pick up DS1 a few years back, he was 2 at the time and has autism.He was alone in the bath while she was out having a fag round the back I am a VERY chilled out person and while I don't like arguments, I will always speak my mind if I feel something is not ok.

I was so angry I had the upper lip sweats She was shocked that I was so angry and said I was 'underestimating him'.

She's 60 now, so still young but she's just so scatty and thinks her way is right.She didn't raise STBXH though,her own mother did.

I'm going to guess PIL are from a culture where children aren't parented as closely as we (mostly) do in English-speaking countries. There can be cultural differences that don't allow them to understand the risks, simply because they don't live in a society where children are as bubble-wrapped (for example, corner guards on furniture and locks on cupboards).

Honestly at that age I wouldn't trust MIL to look after DD if it kept happening. Idk how you'd bring it up with DP, but use examples of how it keeps happening and you are afraid the next injury/mishap could be more serious.

While MIL's did raise children, it's important to remember that it was possibly 30+ years ago, they're not as physically agile now and their mind might not be able to see the danger in situations (since it's been SO long since they've had an infant). My MIL forgets things like needing to put the outlet covers on when we visit, or putting up the baby gate on the stairs until we arrive and help her to do it. Which is all well and fine, but I certainly wouldn't just drop the kids off with her without checking that she had something they could eat as well - they often forget what toddlers and babies like to eat and snack on! It has, after all, been many many years.

Also, seconding what another poster said (sorry for my repeated posts) - I wouldn't leave your DD to be looked after by someone who can't even speak the same language. Simple commands and words that your DD understands won't be able to be used for communication, and DD won't understand what they're trying to communicate with her.

Probably not the point, but perhaps your DP could take some more responsibility for translating for you? Not suggesting he needs to constantly follow you around so he can translate, but surely as soon as he was aware that your DD was hurt he could have gone to find out what happened and explained to you? My DP has some non-English speaking family and I get very cross when he wonders off for an hour leaving his family to ask me questions I don't understand (they do that very frustrating 'say it slower and louder' thing to me, as if I'll suddenly become bilingual).
I agree with PP, I wouldn't broach the topic and make a big confrontation about it, I'd just avoid situations where DD will be in their care until she's a little older.

Thanks for your replies. To clarify - MIL is not elderly - she's 50-something and a keen skiier/hiker so definitely not frail. She was holding DD when she fell down the wet fire escape (no, there was no fire) but she was not holding DD when DD fell the other day (but she was cooking when she should have been supervising more closely).

I will not leave DD alone with MIL - they are coming to us next (in October) so this will be much easier.

Yabu. By the sound of it mil has had one fall when holding your dd which could happen to anyone. You don't say why she walked down the fire escape but if there was a choice of carpeted stairs I'm sure she would have chosen that. There are times when it's raining that walking down slippery stairs is unavoidable. She clearly thought that she would be more steady than your dd and chose to carry her. She was probably right and it was unfortunate that she fell. It was an accident. And unless you are going to follow a cruising toddler around a few centimetres behind them all day long they will fall. On a carpeted floor they are unlikely to come to serious harm and over balancing and getting back up is part of the process of learning to walk. If your mil is a nursery teacher I'm sure she would not put your child at any serious risk and it may even do her some good to have a break from the helicoptering.