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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect better behaviour of my DC?

42 replies

QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 08:57

I have 4 DC - DS1 (7), DD1 (5) DS2 (5) and baby DD2.

Now I accept that with 4 DC there will be an inheritantly higher level of noise/chaos than a house with 1 DC but am I really expecting too much not to have to be breaking up fights all day every day?

Most of the issues are between DS1 and DD1, they just cannot be in the same space and not fight! They seem to enjoy winding each other up! Example: this morning DD1 was playing with her dolls house. DS1 had built a train track. Obviously train tracks take a lot of space so the track went near the dolls house DD1 started kicking the track away as she didnt want it near her castle as she didnt want to play with DS1. I went in to try and diffuse it, explained to DS1 that he wasnt to try and put a station/let people get on and off by the dolls house as DD1 wanted to play alone. and i explained to DD1 that train tracks take space and she still had space to play her game and to leave him alone. Left the room and within seconds it had turned into a war each trying to encroach onto the other's space.

another example is yesterday we went out to a zoo type place. any enclosure we stopped at they had to stand exactly where the other was, cue more shoving, pushing and fighting. Then they were building log dens - they both had turns on the naughty step for not allowing the other to build how they wanted and then got into a massive fight because DD1 was claiming one space was a door and DS1 said it was a window! so i gave up and took them home - dragging 2 screaming kids back through the park with everyone staring.

It just seems they are stuck in a rut of expecting the other to be mean to them so they react that way even if the other is trying to be nice! i have no idea how to break this cycle!

for info - they have space - huge garden, playroom, the boys share a bedroom and the girls another. DS1 also knows he can take a book and sit in our lounge if he needs peace and quiet. I use naughty step for bad behaviour/rudeness. they have a reward chart for good behaviour. i praise them when they are playing nicely.

DS1 says it is always DD1 trying to wind him up/get him in trouble. but there are still fights with DS1 and DS2 so that cant be always true. and by the very nature of having 4 DC, the youngest still being quite in need of hands on parenting, i dont always see what has happened to know who is at fault!

I really dont think i'm a bad parent but clearly i do something wrong. help please!!

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 08:57

that was long, sorry!!

OP posts:
SnowiestMountain · 28/08/2017 09:00

I'm afraid it all sounds very normal to me sorry not really any help!

Original poster
QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 09:04

in some ways thats comforting snowiestmountain !!

Do i just keep naughty stepping for every fight? i've got so fed up i've taken to not bothering to try and work out who was to blame (they both lie so i have no idea) so just sit them both on the naughty step.

OP posts:
GreatBigPolarBear · 28/08/2017 09:04

They sound very similar to my 2 although I don't have the extra younger 2!
No advice really. I bribe mine with tv time (although they then bicker about what to watch)

GreatBigPolarBear · 28/08/2017 09:06

'Siblings without rivalry' is quite a good read re fights-it's quite idealistic but has some good ideas. Must read it again myself actually!

Bluelonerose · 28/08/2017 09:07

Sounds normal in me. It gets better when they can go out and play with their own friends but still expect to be refereeing well into teens. Good luck

Afreshstartplease · 28/08/2017 09:09

It sounds normal to me op

I have 4 dc aged 9, 8, 4 and 10 months

Any combination of the older 3 can result in arguments and fighting and yes often on a daily basis

nutbrownhare15 · 28/08/2017 09:09

I.bought the book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen the other week. It's designed for 7s and under and is really good. It's about empathising with the child and engaging them in problem solving. Eg ds1 wants to build a train track. Dd1 doesn't want it bear the dolls house. This is a big problem. Can you think of ideas to solve it? Then the thee of you come up with ideas and write them all down, however silly. Then try the ones you all agree on. It's got loads of ideas, a chapter on managing siblings, and a summary at the end of each chapter which is really accessible. also explains why time out/naughty step and rewards don't work. I'd highly recommend buying a copy.

Lelloteddy · 28/08/2017 09:09

Does their dad have any input?

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2017 09:12

Sounds exhausting! Also sounds like the situation (minus the younger two) me of my friends has. I think the combination of the age gap plus the different genders of the children means there are often flash points. If it's any consolation, my friend thinks things are improving as her two have got a little older, so hopefully you're just going through a particularly bad phase.

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2017 09:12

....sorry one of my friends has....

Allthewaves · 28/08/2017 09:14

We went though period of this. I found sending them to sit on the stairs (so time out) every time they fought soon taught them to play nicer or avoid each other. I count to 3 if it's not broken up then on the stairs they go.

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 09:14

You need to spend some quality time alone 1:1 with both oldest children. Spend some time alone with each child every other day. Make them feel precious and loved. If they feel more content in themselves, they will be nicer to each other

Skinandbones · 28/08/2017 09:18

Have to have to be the one......but, 3 myself, ds1 and dd1, have been fighting since little. They are now dd1 27 & ds1 24. Both still at home and both still can't be in the room together for any length of time. Ds1 is a complete know it all and dd1 is the oldest of the 3 so she is in charge.
Had thought of running away to join the circus for a white now.

Rachie1973 · 28/08/2017 09:18

LOL I have 3 siblings, a brother 21 months younger than me, another brother 11 months behind that and then a sister 24 months after so 6 years spanning all of us,

You just described me and DB1 as small children, and it gets worse because later on they pair off lol. Me and DB2 and DB1 with DS

My Dad tried to stop us before we drew blood lol. However as adults we are incredibly close and the reward of being part of a big family is always having an ally! You took on 1 you took on 4.

I have 4 as well..... same pattern..... then added 2 stepkids that we had residency of into the mix. Nothing changes!!!!

The youngest of mine is 15 now, and of course we still get the occasional flare up but generally they're always there for each other :)

It does end, I promise lol

Raaaaaah · 28/08/2017 09:20

I only have 3 but exactly the same age gaps and boy oh boy has this holidays been tough. DP mooted a 4th and I was Shock. You have my total respect. Elder two are constantly bickering with one another. I also have no ideas how to break the cycle. I read Siblings without rivalry before they were arguing all the time. Now they are arguing all the time, the last thing I want to do with my precious free time is read about their arguing Grin.

GreatBigPolarBear · 28/08/2017 09:23

Can you invite a friend round for each of them or would that turn up the heat even more?!
If nothing else you might get a reciprocal invite and get on with or both out of the equation for a few hours Grin

JustMumNowNotMe · 28/08/2017 09:23

Try and take comfort in that it is a really normal, healthy stage of development. Children learn their earliest conflict resolution skills on their siblings, it stands them in good stead in future life.

You won't need to be one of those parents who is always at the school complaining about friendship fall outs etc as they will be able to manage sorting any issues out for themselves 😊

Floellabumbags · 28/08/2017 09:23

Sounds like my two. It's as though they're looking for ways to piss each other off.

The main issue is that the older one (they're 9 & 7) believes the younger one is a toy and is constantly touching him and ragging at him. I don't know how he puts up with it.

Raaaaaah · 28/08/2017 09:25

Cherry how do you do that though? All my kids have 20mins 1:1 at their bedtime but how else do you facilitate that?

AnInchWasPinched · 28/08/2017 09:30

I have two (5&7 girl/boy like you) and some days sound just like yours!
Unless there is a chance of someone getting injured or something getting damaged I don't intervene and tell them to sort it out themselves, especially if I haven't personally seen anything.

I remind them that they don't have to play together if they don't want to but they do have to be nice to each other.

When DS complains DD doesn't want to play trains, I remind him he refused to play Lego with DD yesterday and vice versa.

If that doesn't work, I ask if they want me to pack the toys away.

If all that fails, they get sent to their bedroom protesting which is answered with "I don't want to know, go to your room and calm down and play by yourself or look at a book. When you decide you want to play nicely with DS/DD then you may come out again."

FWIW, I've done the same on a day out and would do the same again. Any parent who hasn't had to do that is incredibly lucky, so forget about it for a while until you can laugh about it. You're unlikely to see those people ever again!

StatueInTheSky · 28/08/2017 09:36

you need to not get involved with referreeing or offering solutions....someone will always be smug, someone always hard done by and then it won't be because of the original issue, it will be due to your solution and YOU will be BADMummy

Institute what I call The Law of Universal Misery....if they cannot get along nicely then they will ALL be miserable doing nothing/washing up/sitting still/ reading quietly/sitting on the bloody stair with their hands on their heads thinking about the choices they could have made

Enforce manners and kindness...no arguing/kicking/bickering

Have a family sit down and explain there is to be NO MORE of this and that the consequence of any nonsense is compete shut down, so no one wins, in a couple of weeks all you should have to do is yell "don't make me come in there to see what is happening...." but for a short while you will have to do some pretty close quarters observations to get any nonsense quashed and issue the "misery reminder"

Good luck!

Original poster
QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 09:39

actually feeling very reassured that this is normal!!

DH (Dad to all 4) is here and is very hands on, he does as much disiplining as me etc etc. They behave a bit better for him than me but as i am a SAHM and he works 9-6 M-F its not surprising. He is fully supportive and we agree on our parenting styles (we are very much rules and routine) .

nutbrown i'm sorry but there physically isnt time to sit down and work out solutions to every little squabble, that is just not an option here.

cherry we do make sure they get 1:1 time as much as possible. I read with each child at least every other day, daily if possible. DS1 gets to stay up half hour later than the DTs so he gets time with us then. quite often we do a 'boys day' and a 'girls day' (we're not forcing segregation, we just have two boys who are into the same stuff and a DD who isnt!) and we try and do family days out when we can 9have membership to some local attractions)

and i guess the summer hols are always going to be worse!!

polarbear i must get better at inviting friends as that does improve things!!

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 09:43

statue and inch thank you, reassuring and some good ideas. we have 'house rules' up so i will sit them down and go through them again. i was very much 'bad mummy' yesterday when i took them out of the park, especially as DS2 who had been a lamb all day got to stay for an extra 15 mins playing with DH before they joined us at the car.

right, time to impliment Law of Universal Misery (i like that!!)

OP posts:
AnInchWasPinched · 28/08/2017 09:43

Oh yes, what Statue said. I find the sentence "If you're too bored to play nicely, then I can find you something to do!" works wonders.

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