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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect better behaviour of my DC?

42 replies

QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 08:57

I have 4 DC - DS1 (7), DD1 (5) DS2 (5) and baby DD2.

Now I accept that with 4 DC there will be an inheritantly higher level of noise/chaos than a house with 1 DC but am I really expecting too much not to have to be breaking up fights all day every day?

Most of the issues are between DS1 and DD1, they just cannot be in the same space and not fight! They seem to enjoy winding each other up! Example: this morning DD1 was playing with her dolls house. DS1 had built a train track. Obviously train tracks take a lot of space so the track went near the dolls house DD1 started kicking the track away as she didnt want it near her castle as she didnt want to play with DS1. I went in to try and diffuse it, explained to DS1 that he wasnt to try and put a station/let people get on and off by the dolls house as DD1 wanted to play alone. and i explained to DD1 that train tracks take space and she still had space to play her game and to leave him alone. Left the room and within seconds it had turned into a war each trying to encroach onto the other's space.

another example is yesterday we went out to a zoo type place. any enclosure we stopped at they had to stand exactly where the other was, cue more shoving, pushing and fighting. Then they were building log dens - they both had turns on the naughty step for not allowing the other to build how they wanted and then got into a massive fight because DD1 was claiming one space was a door and DS1 said it was a window! so i gave up and took them home - dragging 2 screaming kids back through the park with everyone staring.

It just seems they are stuck in a rut of expecting the other to be mean to them so they react that way even if the other is trying to be nice! i have no idea how to break this cycle!

for info - they have space - huge garden, playroom, the boys share a bedroom and the girls another. DS1 also knows he can take a book and sit in our lounge if he needs peace and quiet. I use naughty step for bad behaviour/rudeness. they have a reward chart for good behaviour. i praise them when they are playing nicely.

DS1 says it is always DD1 trying to wind him up/get him in trouble. but there are still fights with DS1 and DS2 so that cant be always true. and by the very nature of having 4 DC, the youngest still being quite in need of hands on parenting, i dont always see what has happened to know who is at fault!

I really dont think i'm a bad parent but clearly i do something wrong. help please!!

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 09:45

i am writing that line down!

OP posts:

Shockers · 28/08/2017 09:49

My two were 'orrible at that age! One day I'd really had enough when they were fighting (verbally and poking) in the back of the car, so I said to them in a very posh voice, "Mummy has gone for a rest, so I'll be looking after you for a while."

They completely engaged with it and it became a strategy we all used. They'd ask for Mrs X (naming my alter ego might out me ), and chat to 'her' about their news. Getting into character helped to diffuse my frustration too.

It was odd, but fun, and it absolutely worked. We used it for about 3 years, then it tailed off naturally. They still talk about Mrs X affectionately!

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 09:50

It's the other way for me. I'm a SAHP and only work a few hours. I am the authority figure in the house, DH who is the main earner has a lot less authority but he wines a lot and isn't consistent.

LaughingElliot · 28/08/2017 10:09

You're doing everything right OP but unfortunately young siblings do tend to quarrel a lot no matter how many outings or holidays they get. V tedious. Ear plugs? Wine?

Original poster

QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 10:20

elliot oh i am a big fan of wine! and in this weather Mr Pimms! it's ok to start at 10am right?!

OP posts:

LaughingElliot · 28/08/2017 10:23

Absolutely!! 🍷

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 28/08/2017 10:27

I let my two sort out their squabbles themselves as much as possible but if it comes to punishment then you need a big guns up your sleeve, and in my case it's screen time. I count to 3 and if I get 3 then there is no screen time the whole of the next day.
The oldest is 12 now and I can't remember the last time I got to 3.

Ttbb · 28/08/2017 10:37

Maybe you should explain to your DS that because he is so much older than his sister he has an obligation to be nice to her. Sometimes they will fight, that is natural. But if they are playing together and she starts trying to wind him up he should just do it her way or stop playing with her instead of engaging in such infantile behaviour. You may also want to point out to your DD that such behaviour is very unbecoming and if she behaves that way with children who are not her siblings they will my want to be her friends.

claraschu · 28/08/2017 10:37

"Film them!"
This is the advice I got in similar circumstances from an older friend who had been through it all.

statetrooperstacey · 28/08/2017 10:51

It's very normal, as a pp said it's good for them in the future.
I don't think it's possible to completely stop the squabbling bickering and fighting because I think kids enjoy it, it's pretty much sport/ a legitimate pastime in their eyes. Try to intervene as little as possible.
My older kids (adult) still come round and wind up/ take the piss out of the little ones now🙄😃 it never ends!!!!
The trick is to try and tune it out and rise above it, easier said than done.

StatueInTheSky · 28/08/2017 10:59

do be warned that they will grow up to be EXCELLENT negotiators if you play this right....you are arming them with useful skills they have no qualms using on you in 10 years time!

junebirthdaygirl · 28/08/2017 11:12

I come from a big family. We fought...constantly. my poor mother!!
We are grown up now and the best of friends. My own dc didnt fight much. All very much did their own thing . My dd who is in the middle of two boys was a big reader so sort of ignored the boys a lot. We also had a lot of friends around.But now in their 20s, it sounds sad, but they dont bother too much with each other.
In my family of origin we are constantly in contact, meeting up, support each other to the hilt even though we are in our 40s and 50s. So maybe its ok.
And ignore them sometimes too.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 11:21

Instead of a naughty step sit them facing each other for X mins - they have to look at each other the whole time

It really defuses the frustration

MrsJayy · 28/08/2017 11:31

Totally normal and totally frustrating it must drive you up the wall. I would equally punish doesn't matter who started what tell them both off they should form an alliance also any arguement over toys. toys go away any arsing about at Zoos go home or away from the windows etc,, i would also do away with the naughty step kids thrive off attention even negatives if they are back and forward it isn't working and i wouldn't step into every hoha let them fight it out so they sort it out.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 11:36

I tell mine 'well you cant fight on your own can you?'

Original poster

QueenOfTheSkies · 28/08/2017 12:14

i will hold on to the thought that they will be great friends as adults then! which is what we wanted for them and part of the reason we had 4, we wanted them to have that support and to have someone to share the load of elderly parents etc in the future (can you tell DH and I are only children?!)

looks like a case of 'keep calm and carry on' then. will keep up on the dicipline and try not to rise to it. and i may try the restricting screen time, it would work with DD1, she would watch tv all day if she could, lazy madame.

OP posts:

Smurfy23 · 28/08/2017 12:26

Im 3rd of 4 kids. Fairly sure that my poor DM spent about 20 years diffusing fights between us all...we get along great now of it helps. Plus Im more than able to stand up for myself elsewhere- something i credit to the continual sparring!

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