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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my surname?

35 replies

Kittysparks1 · 28/08/2017 07:59

Please be gentle with me.

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years and just had a baby. We have an appointment to register him in 2 days. my partner is a wonderful man and I am truely lucky. We have been engaged for 18 months, the reason we have not married is because I've not really been too fussed.

Now my partner has his fathers surname. His father is a dick. He walked out on his mother when my partner was young and started a new family, had another son who is his world and practically ignored my partner and his sister all their lives. My partners sister to this day has no relationship with her father however my partner does. (I don't know how he can tolerate being so far down the pecking order but he doesn't want to hold a grudge).

Well since baby arrived I want to get married. However I do not want to take on his fathers name and become part of that family. Likewise for my baby. Now if my partner had his mums surname I would be all for it. I love his mum, she gives a shit about us.

My partner has agreed to take my surname and give our baby my surname as he doesn't want me to feel resentful although he is hardly thrilled about it.

Aibu? Has anyone else been in this situation? Does it really matter in ththe grand scheme of things? Has anyone else changed their name for the sake of their partner but hated the family the name belongs to?

Again please be gentle but I need to know if I'm being out of order.

OP posts:
AnnMeredithPerkins · 28/08/2017 08:01

There's no law that you have to change your name

My partner has agreed to take my surname and give our baby my surname as he doesn't want me to feel resentful although he is hardly thrilled about it.
There's no problem then....?

ElephantsYeah · 28/08/2017 08:03

I kept my name. My ds has a hyphenated name. Nobody seems to care tbh.

Hassled · 28/08/2017 08:04

Why can't you both just keep your own surnames? He is "hardly thrilled" about losing his, which is fair enough - one's name is part of one's identity and whatever the father was like, there's obviously enough of a bond there that your DP doesn't want to lose the name. All fine. But equally your surname is part of your identity, and you don't want to take on the father's name - so just don't. Stay as Miss Sparks and he can stay as Mr Bloggs. It works well for many people - including me (I've never taken DH's name and we've been together 20 years). Are the names the sort that could be hyphenated for the baby's surname?

SayNoToCarrots · 28/08/2017 08:07

You are only being as unreasonable as every man who expects his fiancée to take his name.

DamnSummerCold · 28/08/2017 08:10

Good for your partner he sounds like a keeper. And congratulations on your baby.

But you do realise that you can by deed poll take any name you want? You can be family-your surname, family - his Mums maiden name, family-combined MIL maiden name your surname or family -some compliety different??

It's only tradition that you take his surname on marriage, and different in lots of places. And re:baby until recently (last 40-50 years) baby's born out of wedlock were always given Mums surname (no judgement, just stating facts)

Do what you all as a family are happy with

Hugepeppapigfan · 28/08/2017 08:11

You don't need to decide forever right now. Give the baby your name on the birth certificate and put DP's name on as the father. Then after you're married you legally have to re-register the birth anyway. At that point you can decide to keep the baby's surname as yours OR change it to DP's. When the birth is re-registered you will get a new birth certificate with the surname you've decided on on that. It replaces the original certificate. This will give you more time and you can see how you feel after marriage. I have done this with my own child.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/08/2017 08:11

If he's agreed the baby can have your name then make it clear that whilst you'd be delighted if he changed his name you don't expect it.

Hurry up and get married though. Unless you're the higher earner and going back to work full time quickly you're pretty vulnerable.

May50 · 28/08/2017 08:12

YANBU. Keep your name. Give baby your name. Partner can take your name. No issue. Why should it be? (Ok, I know not the norm but no reason why not) . A friend of mine the man changed to her name on marriage and kids had her name. It should be normal. I gave baby my name (now separated so I'm very glad).

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 08:13

I know a few couples who have recently taken the womans names.

I knew one who it did it over 10 years ago.

I didnt want to keep my name on marriage due to fact that my mum married 4 times and i had 4 last names. Mum finally returned my surname to my dads at 15. I did not feel any connection to it at all.

Dh thought we should pick a new one altogether, because he didnt want to feel we had to take his name.

But to be fair, what my surname is doesnt bother me at all. I dont feel like an extention of his family. We are our own family of spartas (that is not my real last name Grin)

My point is that whatever you and dp decide is fine.

ElephantsYeah · 28/08/2017 08:13

Just a point and hopefully you won't need to worry about this, but a friend of mine did as you planned - had her husband take her name. All well and good until her relationship ended (he was is a philanderer) and now his new wife has my friend's name!

AdalindSchade · 28/08/2017 08:14

What's your question? You and your partner are in agreement! Of course it's perfectly fine for him to take your name, and the baby to have your name. It would be fine for both of you to keep your names and still get married if you want! Do whatever you agree on!

TotallyConkers · 28/08/2017 08:14

You can both keep your OWN names. I shouted 'own' because the name you are given is your own and isn't 'owned' by anyone. You can also change both surnames to your DP's mums if that is what you both choose.

AdalindSchade · 28/08/2017 08:15

Then after you're married you legally have to re-register the birth anyway

Why?

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 08:16

Oh and since i have had this surname for 15 years (alot longer than any other) i probably wouldnt change it if i divorced. Sounds like a lot pissing about.

Though i could come up with something completely different. Which might be fun.

TotallyConkers · 28/08/2017 08:17

What I mean is your DPs name is his name, it isn't owned by his father. It happens to be the same name as his fathers but so what?
My father doesn't warrant the title of dad but I don't care that we happen to have the same surname as it is my name and mine alone which I was given at birth. I don't associate 'my' name with him.

Hugepeppapigfan · 28/08/2017 08:19

Registrar gave us the form and told us about the requirement when we gave notice of our intention to marry.

AdalindSchade · 28/08/2017 08:22

Is that only if changing their surname or yours?

AdalindSchade · 28/08/2017 08:23

If the parents have married after the child was born, they are required to re-register the birth to have the natural father’s details added to the birth record

That makes no sense if the father is already named on it!

WorkingBling · 28/08/2017 08:24

Elephants that is a ridiculous argument. If she takes his name, and keeps it after his mythical divorce he new wife and her will share a name anyway. It's also just silly. Like saying a woman shouldn't allow her dh to be a sahd because then she might lose custody in a divorce.

Hugepeppapigfan · 28/08/2017 08:26

Adalind - it's a requirement regardless of if if you're changing child's surname or not.

WorkingBling · 28/08/2017 08:26

Op the solution you and dp have come
Up with seems a good one to me. If he's not happy you could compromise by both changing to his mums name. But I have always felt a little irritation that men think changing their name is such a big deal and yet most expect women to do it every time.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 08:26

So what if s new wife gets that name.

Thats a lot of worrying about nothing really.

Gottagetmoving · 28/08/2017 08:29

I'm just surprised that the majority of women today still take their husband's name.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/08/2017 08:29

That's fab.

I've said this before, many times - but I cannot count the number of threads I have read on here where a mum with a different surname to the dad gives her baby HIS surname and then regrets it. Now this generally applies when parents split, and heaven forbid you do - but, the fact remains that if you were to split, give the baby his surname and you'd join about 90% of separated mums who end up with their child(ren) having a different surname to themselves despite THEM being the ones the child lives with day-to-day. That's hopefully not going to happen, but it's one of the biggest illustrations why the system as it is now is pretty daft really.

The first thing is - surnames are fluid. They're only as fixed as a person decides they are, we can change our surnames at any point we like. Heck, even the Royal Family randomly changed theirs the second it suited!

But... seems like to our nicely misogynistic society in general, that only applies to women. Fine and expected for you to change your name, but the second it's a man's name... suddenly it's a huge thing. Well, it's not. Good on your DP for seeing why using a surname with a negative history needn't be carried on just because it's on the male side. Well done Kittysparks DP

However, I can totally understand too why he wouldn't necessarily want to change his name to yours. It's the same thing - what about his identity? I can see why he's not thrilled.

We had this too. Slightly different as we were married, but we didn't want to have each other's surname and we also wanted a family name - to have the same surname as one another. So we adopted a new one.

Why don't you put that on the cards? Register the baby with your surname, NOT the horrid dad surname - don't let that one even near your lovely baby's records. Then have a think about maybe adopting a new family name when you get married, for all of you? A good suggestion here is often the middle name of one of you, especially men as their names can often be surnames. E.g. say your DP is called Matthew Daniel Dadname then your new surname could be Daniels. Same for Thomas, Johns, James, etc. Or maybe his mum's name in some way - e.g. if she's called Ann, you could adopt Anson. Elizabeth, you could all be Bethson.

So you register your child now in your name and maybe either change by deed poll when you decide - have a naming party for you all! - or do it on marriage.

We really enjoyed the fact that we changed our name, but that we ALL did it TOGETHER -it wasn't a case of one person 'taking' the other's name. It felt very fair, and also like we were really starting a new family history. Lovely.

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