To want to keep my surname?

[Kittysparks1]

Please be gentle with me.

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years and just had a baby. We have an appointment to register him in 2 days. my partner is a wonderful man and I am truely lucky. We have been engaged for 18 months, the reason we have not married is because I've not really been too fussed.

Now my partner has his fathers surname. His father is a dick. He walked out on his mother when my partner was young and started a new family, had another son who is his world and practically ignored my partner and his sister all their lives. My partners sister to this day has no relationship with her father however my partner does. (I don't know how he can tolerate being so far down the pecking order but he doesn't want to hold a grudge).

Well since baby arrived I want to get married. However I do not want to take on his fathers name and become part of that family. Likewise for my baby. Now if my partner had his mums surname I would be all for it. I love his mum, she gives a shit about us.

My partner has agreed to take my surname and give our baby my surname as he doesn't want me to feel resentful although he is hardly thrilled about it.

Aibu? Has anyone else been in this situation? Does it really matter in ththe grand scheme of things? Has anyone else changed their name for the sake of their partner but hated the family the name belongs to?

Again please be gentle but I need to know if I'm being out of order.

No woman needs to justify why she wants to keep her own surname.

Even if a woman loves the entire family of a male partner there is no reason for her to change her surname. If the whole family want to share a surname, men can change theirs to the woman's.

Thank you for all your replies. It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable.

My partner and I want to have the same surname as our child. It's important to both of us. I don't want to take his name and he doesn't want to take mine but has agreed so he has the same name as our son (probably because I'm strong willed and he knows there is no convincing me otherwise).

It's stupid but it's because we got a card from his father and his evil wife saying "congratulations on the new addition to the "surname" family". They automatically assumed I would name my child with their surname.

I like the idea of choosing a whole new surname!

Not stupid at all. That would give me the rage and really illustrate to me how totally sexist it all is. So crap shit uninvolved dad sits there congratulating himself on a new addition to HIS 'clan' despite there being at least two other surnames represented by loving, worthwhile family members (you, his mum) who are closer to the baby? Fuck that!

Do think about starting a new surname 👍🏼 I think it would work really well for you all. Your partner already has parents with two surnames in his immediate history which makes it much easier. If his family were some married for eighty years massive strong family unit then it would be a real break, but here it seems the fairest thing all round. Presumably his mum and sister would also be happy and supportive of him and love the idea of you having a new independent family name. Good luck!

My surname is very rare and has a lot of important history attached to it for my family. My husband decided to take my name and that our children will have my surname too, with his surname as a middle name. He was 100% on board with this and it has delighted my family. His family were a bit disappointed but have never said anything and understand our reasons!

My DC have my surname only and DP is planning to change his name to mine when we marry as he wants the same name as the rest of us. It is his choice to change his name, but no way was I changing mine or giving the kids a different name to me! DP has a complicated family history, various stepparents, name changes etc and is very low contact with his family so I have no idea what any of his relatives thought about it, nor do I care! Stick to your guns.

I think you should take the same name as your baby. You're the unmarried mother, you get to decide what that surname is. It's ultimately down to him whether he wants to take it too or not.

I don't think you should take a partner's surname just because it's his if you don't want to - and you have some exceptional emotional reasons for outright refusing to take it.

Why doesn't your partner want to take your surname? It would be the logical move. Is it an awful surname? Or does he feel emasculated?

I kept my own last name and maybe about 5 years ago I added his last name to mine. No hyphon. DS has his last name. But then my FIL is a lovely man and my father is a bastard. I kept my last name not through any love for my father or his family but because it belonged to me. I think thats probably how your DP feels about his name.

If he has agreed it's fine.

My partner and I want to have the same surname as our child. It's important to both of us. I don't want to take his name and he doesn't want to take mine but has agreed so he has the same name as our son

Why not both take a new name? Or both change to his mothers name?