Childcare/working hrs

[DoAsSayNotAsDo]

Soooo, I've worked PT since DC1(nearly 7) was born & after birth of DC2 (soon to be 4), I trained PT (paid role) in a different professional role (within same profession).
Now work 3 days a wk and until other week DC2 was at nursery (DC1 has been at school/doing Sch wrap around care).
In Sept DC2 starts at pre-school at same school as DC1, doing 2.5 days a wk. My working days mean I'm off Mon & Fri so have childminder arranged for all day Tues/Wed am and using after school/ breakfast club on wed pm/Thurs and on Fri I'll do drop off/pick up (meaning have few hrs to do admin/batch cook/catch up w washing & family admin).
Have woken to find DH awake saying
He's being "taken for a chump" and "when does he get a day off?"
claiming I've got it cushy come Sept and this has been decided w/o him...
I'm really upset by this as am pretty certain it won't feel like much time to myself/will whizz by. Also on the 2x afternoons I do school pick up DC1 (& as gets older DC2 will) has activities which I wouldn't get them to if was working.
Am hoping it allow me to do stuff to make w/e's less washing focused. Also a bit of time to do some work related admin which I often end up doing on Fri's too (he does pick up every few weeks but this is generally my role/leave work to ensure I can do it).
He seems to think I should've changed my working days so that I was off on Tues despite this meaning upheaval at work (teams are balanced on what days are worked) and I feel more stress for DC2 in particular.

Who is BU?

I've found it hard to work out who does what & when.

Sorry, I'm a bit confused too.

So what's stopping him dropping his working hours to part time if that's what he wants?

So is he complaining that when the DC are in school you will have 'time off' is that right?

Tell him he's welcome to do the batch cooking and laundry if he wants a day off in the week.

Is dd doing wed pm, Thursday and Friday at preschool?

Did you not get any say in preschool days at all? I.e you couldn't have arranged them for Tuesday, wed Thursday? That would have been the ideal, then you would have minimised childcare costs and kept after school activities the same.

Having said that, I don't think he is being taken for a mug if you are planning to spend your child and working free day doing work for the family that would take the pressure off him at the weekend

It's a bit odd not to discuss and agree beforehand to be honest as you are both impacted/paying for the set up you have. Does DH want to share the childcare more? If so, could he look into doing compressed hours (5 in 4) and then cover the day dd is in preschool half a day and get a few hours to himself whilst saving on wrap around care? My DH did compressed hours from when I went back to work and it evened out childcare/work balance and saved on childcare costs.

Next year when she is at school, the setup will become more uneven if you keep it as it is so worth starting the discussions early to agree what you both want to do then

What chilcare did he arrange?

Regardless of what I thought about the rights and wrongs in a grey area, that's no way to start a discussion and not respectful!

So you get a couple of 2.5 hour spots a week childfree is the gist?

Maybe put your feet up in those as he thinks that's what you do, and agree DH gets 2 x 2.5 hour spots at the weekend whilst you do the chores then?

Tell him you will work full time but childcare will now cost x and chores ABC and will need splitting between the two of you over the weekend, as will evening chores and childcare.

I’m also confused as to why you couldn’t arrange pre school for your working days. It sounds like your OH thinks you’re just going to be chilling on your days off. To be honest, it sounds a bit cheeky to me cos I don’t think you need two days off, as well as the weekend, to do stuff around the house.

My partner and I work full time with a one year old. I still find time to cook every night and we keep the house in order together.

We had a bit of this a few weeks ago.
I work ft. Baby in nursery 3 days, the other 4 split between DH and I. We manage DD school hours as Dh does shifts and Im flexi.
DH is getting to grips with being home eith a baby. He does a bit in the house and is good with the cooking but the lions share falls to me. I also arrange all childcare, activities etc.
I had a tough few weeks at work and baby was sick so the house was a bit of a tip. Not dirty, just untidy. He complained that I was getting lazy and he was having to do more and more. He did apologise when i got home from work the same day but I was furious.
So I pretty much stopped doing anything as well as completely losing it.
Kids were fed and clean but that was it.
He's been a lot more proactive and helpful ever since.
I do understand feeling like you do it all and never get a day off but it's like that especially when you have very little ones.

Thanks guys, to answer few things:

• options for pre-school were 5x mornings/afternoons or 2.5 days which are fixed for first/second half of week. I did the application/looked for childminder with his full knowledge/tried to discuss with him & the Fri thing was something he already knew about.

• have often tried to suggest DH looks into working from home/9 day fortnight to allow him this, but he's in a board level position in his company so has said he can't/that it's expected he'll be there FT. My pay makes up a v small % of our joint income so can't fill in the gaps

He's off this wk with the kids while I'm working, but think it's busy at work & he's stressed thus finding him up at 1.30am to have had all this out.

Otoh, I know plenty of SAHP who are at home 5 days whilst they get the 2.5 daily free hours - quite hard to fit much in with pick and drop and presumably term time only?

Clearly it needs a sensible discussion not an allegation that someone is a chump when the situation hasn't even started yet!

It sounds like you'll have a set up similar to us.
Both dc (5 and 8) at school full time.
DH works full time, often away.,
I work 4 days a week (previously 3, k increased my hrs when youngest started school last year).
The dc are at breakfast and after school clubs 4 days a week.
I don't work Mondays. On these days i do admin, batch cooking , attend parents assembly, shop for groceries, deal with stuff like the boiler service, dc dentist etc. I usually have a pretty full day! The school day is only 7 hrs long bybtge time I've got home. The dc also have a late afternoon activity on Mondays. I am fortunate that I can usually manage to squeeze in a bike ride, swim or run, thus freeing me up a bit to facilitate everyone else's sport (including DH's) all weekend.

DH's job would be unfeasible part time. I think he appreciates that my "day off", is a "day off paid work" rather than "a day of lying on the sofa watching Netflix".

It is important for both parents to have some dc free/non work time. We have no local babysitters, sonDH tends to have a long weekend in term time 2 or 3 times a year.

We have a similar setup. When I applied for my job, I requested pt hours and my employer told me what days they want me to do them. DH works FT and commutes. DS is in nursery school every afternoon, so I get 5 hours without him in total. DH and I have agreed that I do housework and admin in that time as it takes pressure off the family for the weekends.
Can your DH come up with a better time for you to be doing these things?

Thanks for the update OP, then it sounds like the most sensible set up for you all which DH was fully aware of before you committed to it.

It sounds like he is stressed and exhausted and although probably realises it's the best set up has vented his stress on you. Hopefully he will apologise in the morning. It sounds like given the set up, it will benefit him if you can do chores on the Friday that will take some pressure off his weekends and evenings so I would remind him that this is what this set up but also show that you recognise how hard he works for the family too

Thanks Mumsgone,
Annoyingly he's still in Chump-land this am 😣 am so frustrated as he's saying I made these choices without consulting him - I kept him fully informed and would say "I'm considering xyz for DC2" and he wouldn't seem very interested.
He can see how come end of the week being not needing wraparound for the DC's is v good with regard to their tiredness, but is annoyed this comes with "time off" for me...gahh.

Have been looking forward to having this time to feel more organised/have chance for a bit headspace but now 😣

Oh that's disappointing

It sounds like he is feeling stressed about work, and has boiled over about childcare in reaction to this.

I hope you get chance to talk properly when things are calmer. I think it would be worth pointing out that presumably you would be able to cover school holidays on Mon and Fri (13 weeks of the year!) plus any time children are sick.n those days. How do you share sick days Tues to Thurs normally?

Then he is not being fair on you, if you gave him the chance to be involved and he didn't take enough of an interest and us still complaining. Equally, I don't think you could have arranged it much differently unless you were able to swap activity days AND working days which as you say is not easy when the rest of the team are already set up as they are. I don't think all of that turmoil would have been worth it to avoid you having 'few hours to yourself' on the Friday.

Those Friday hours will go by so quickly, it will seem to DH like a lot longer than it is so don't feel guilty, you are working hard for your family too.

You say DH is spending his week off doing childcare, have you had a break as a family too? If not if sounds like he is in need of one.

Next year, this will be 'worse' so you but need think about what set up you will both be OK with then

But how does "time off" for you directly affect him anyway? Regardless of what you do and when, he is at work full time.
You have said your earnings are marginal, so, if you found a job that paid the same for one day a week, would he be more pissed off at you for having more free time?

Is he a teenager? Does he think free time and time off are just you sitting on your arse instead of working for your family so y can have nice weekends?
I'm actually really angry for you. How dare he.

He can see the benefits for the children, they're not so tired in wrap around care ... but he can't accept that comes with you having time off? OH MY GOD. Is your life always a competition like this?

I'm confused about what he wants. He says he can't cut his hours / do compressed hours - fine, I don't believe it, but fine. So there's no scenario in which he gets more time off work. He just doesn't want you to have it. Is that right?

It doesn't help you now, but for the future, text or email him about plans for the children so that when he claims he wasn't consulted you can point to the consultation...

Can almost see it from his pov, tbh, because this year my DD is going to nursery every day/morning I work, so all her nursery time is when I'm working, and all but 2hrs a week when I'm off, she's off. My DH works shifts so no childcare can work round that (working days move in a day each week) so some weeks come sept he'll have 3days child free with no responsibility.

Ours couldn't be helped due to shift, but if we'd organised that I might have raised my eyebrows a bit.

Sorry op

I think YANBU for expecting us to read through this incomprehensible minutaie

What an unpleasant arsehole. Why shouldn't you have some bloody time off? I would not be impressed if my husband had such a mean attitude.