Childcare/working hrs

[DoAsSayNotAsDo]

Soooo, I've worked PT since DC1(nearly 7) was born & after birth of DC2 (soon to be 4), I trained PT (paid role) in a different professional role (within same profession).
Now work 3 days a wk and until other week DC2 was at nursery (DC1 has been at school/doing Sch wrap around care).
In Sept DC2 starts at pre-school at same school as DC1, doing 2.5 days a wk. My working days mean I'm off Mon & Fri so have childminder arranged for all day Tues/Wed am and using after school/ breakfast club on wed pm/Thurs and on Fri I'll do drop off/pick up (meaning have few hrs to do admin/batch cook/catch up w washing & family admin).
Have woken to find DH awake saying
He's being "taken for a chump" and "when does he get a day off?"
claiming I've got it cushy come Sept and this has been decided w/o him...
I'm really upset by this as am pretty certain it won't feel like much time to myself/will whizz by. Also on the 2x afternoons I do school pick up DC1 (& as gets older DC2 will) has activities which I wouldn't get them to if was working.
Am hoping it allow me to do stuff to make w/e's less washing focused. Also a bit of time to do some work related admin which I often end up doing on Fri's too (he does pick up every few weeks but this is generally my role/leave work to ensure I can do it).
He seems to think I should've changed my working days so that I was off on Tues despite this meaning upheaval at work (teams are balanced on what days are worked) and I feel more stress for DC2 in particular.

Who is BU?

If your oh thinks your taking him for a chump then he would think my OH is a complete mug.

I work 2 days a week (16 hrs in these 2 days)

For the last year Iv had 2 days off with no kids (except school runs) 2 days at work and 1 day while one of my kids is at home for the day.

Starting September I will have 3 days 'off' apart from school runs, and 2 days at work. No plans to increase my hours.

I do not batch cook either and I only make tea for my OH 5 days of the week as I don't make him tea on the days I work. Kids get tea at nannys on those 2 days

I don't think what you have done is unreasonable at all... your be the one running around, packing school bags.

It's a constant theme on here isn't it, dads who think childcare and household chores arrange themselves if you are in the UK Why don't you suggest he takes advantage of his legal right to take unpaid parental leave for a week or two every year-e.g. to help cover school holiday childcare (as I assume he hasn't organised any yet...) then he can get the benefit of a few days 'off' too- make sure your tea is on the table when you get in from work though and all your laundry, kids dentist visits, play dates etc are done. The bit about 'not being allowed' to work flexibly because he's 'board level' won't apply to unpaid parental leave as it's a legal entitlement, (though they can require he delays it for up to 6 months.)
www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

I used to work part time around the kids school - in 'my' time I used to do all house work, admin, child care.

My DH has rarely ever changed any bedding, done a meal plan, attended a sports day/concert, taken the kids to the dentist, walked the dog everyday, suffered play dates (as they went home before he was home from work) etc etc

He 'can' do these, but this is the trade off and sometimes I MN with a coffee.

Slightly is right. Tell him the next time the kids are ill on one of your work days he can take some parental leave. See how long that lasts.

I work three days and have two free days away from the office but on those days I am working from home, batch cooking, doing school runs etc. I know plenty of other mums who don't work at all or work less than me. Like the others said, if he wants you to work more, he should expect to be contributing to housework and cooking over the weekends.

What kind of 'board position' doesn't encourage wfh? He sounds like an idiot or maybe his position is more joey than board member - I say this as someone who works for board members who earn millions, due to the hours worked they are only at the office for the bare minimum. Most actually are there do the pick ups and drop offs so their partners can work.

I'm not sure I understand the detail of this, but basically he is upset because he thinks you are getting a better deal of it than him.

Are you?

If you're not, you need to explain why not. He clearly has a stressful job and if he thinks you're having an easier time of it, he is going to resent you and that resentment is going to build until he snaps. If you are effectively using one of those days off as a working day by working all day (there are different kinds of "work"!) you need to explain that to him.

It's not that he wants you to be as miserable as him per se, he just wants things to feel fair. Which I appreciate does sound a lot like wanting to drag you down with him...

A man who bregrudges supporting his family is a bit cheap.

Ttbb It doesn't matter who you're supporting, there is a special kind of stress in being the breadwinner. And I say that as a woman who has been the breadwinner.

We all have to do things we don't like sometimes in favour of keeping a family unit going (whether that's working for a horrible boss or getting up in the middle of the night when exhausted). The key thing is to acknowledge that and be grateful to each other for the different roles played in that dynamic. When you feel like you're having a tough time (no matter how true or not that is) and it isn't being recognised, it can spell the start of some explosive problems.

I work PT and have done since we have 3 kids

It's not easy to make arrangements that suit everyone, DH has more free time at the weekends than I do. So I would take the kids out to give him so free time. I couldn't do this if there wa s cooking ironing etc that needed doing - so it balances out.

He can't have it both ways - either you catch up on a weekday or he gives up half his weekend to do the chores - his choice

AND - does he realize how much more you can achieve child free?

It last amazing how the whole house can be clean in 2 hours without kids

I do see his point - but would hope that the benefit to him is that he has increased leisure time at the weekend. I know OP is arguing that she will spend the whole of her day "off" doing chores, however the reality is likely to be that some of it is genuinely time off.

We're both in stressful/full on roles - He manages a large team with specialist expertise in the firm & I'm a healthcare professional with regular & enhanced caseloads/clinics/performance indicators to meet - but I understand his role better than he does mine.

I'm a bit more slapdash in my housekeeping than he'd like & he is the better cook, but with me unable to match his salary, swapping who works FT isn't an option (have suggested it esp as he really isn't enjoying his role at mo).

Oh OP I hear you. I have worked full time and am finally dropping to 4 days from Sept. DC are 8 and nearly 5 so youngest starts Reception in Sept. The other 4 days will be quite long hours and DC will have to be in breakfast club and after school club/after school nanny depending, and on the days I finish a bit earlier, I'll have to do all the childcare even though I could do with doing work from home. I organise ALL household Admin, cooking, shopping, school stuff etc etc. My 1 day 'off' will most probably be doing all the above plus a bit of work anyway. I might, if I'm lucky, get an hour or so to do some exercise. Every day of the week, even my long work days, I sylll do DC dinner if I'm back in time and always bedtime and tidying up etc. DH works late as often as he wants. He does have to drop them at breakfast club which is hardly a big deal. I put out all their clothes/bags etc ready the night before and he still often forgets stuff. And yet, he's not 100% on board with me having 1 day a week 'off' from Sept.

What would the shortfall be if he did go part time? Appreciate you can't make it up with your job, but could you cut back and still have a decent standard of living, or would it be disastrous? Have you both considered that effective pay cut as a trade off for a better work life balance for him, or is the drop in salary really too painful?

I have school aged children and have a day off in the week. We sometimes talk about my going FT, and have always agreed as a family that my "day off" is really handy.

I batch cook, do the gardening, clean, change the bedding, book in tradespeople, and run errands (for example taking a musical instrument to the menders, collecting dry cleaning, taking stuff to the tip, getting the cars serviced). I then do the school run and take the kids to extra-curricular stuff that would be very hard to coordinate if using paid childcare.

DH is aware that this protects our family time at weekends and during annual leave. TBH if I could find some kind of factotum who would do all of the above I'd consider going full-time, but given that I seem to need a cook, cleaner, gardener and nanny, it seems easier and more flexible this way.

DH is also able to work late that night without checking that I can cover. Or go for a game of badminton and a pint, which he sometimes does instead.

I have worked part time since our 6 yr old daughter was born. First went back two days a week, which then increased to three days when she was in playgroup and now do one short day ( school pick up) and three full days. I have a Monday off 27 hrs in total. We leave and arrive home at the same time overall as we have one car so even on a Monday when I am off I drop him to work and pick him up at the end of the day.

When she was little I was taking her to activities during the days I was off. When she was older and I was home without her I was doing housework / shopping etc.

I only said yesterday that when I am there by myself I don't feel like I get much done, but that when I don't have that time (school hols) I realise how much I must be doing. ( I always plan to do more than possible in the time I have)

Until recently he has also been studying part time so me doing those things has enabled either study time for him, or for us to go out for the day at the weekend. I am getting a lower income/ contribute less to the bills to allow us a better balance of time. That is the theory anyway, although based on the current state of the house it doesn't feel like it is working :)

I think along the same lines as pringle, how much of a financial hit would you have to take for him to go pt and you to go ft? Is it something you could consider even if it meant a reduction in your standard of living? If any of the men I know at your dhs level at work are anything to go by he won't actually countenance reducing his role, he just wants to have a gripe about yours.

I think once the new system is in place he'll come round and see sense. Being in work full time means that he doesn't have much sense of what is actually involved in a school/nursery/family admin day and once it's happening he'll see that the system you have planned is the best all round. You have given him the opportunity to get involved in planning it all and he wasn't interested, which implied he was happy to let you sort it...and sort it you have.

My DH was much the same when we discussed my return to work post DD. I'd assumed I would go part time until she started school. It never occurred to me that he would object, but he was horrified and couldn't believe I had planned to dump all the financial responsibility on him without consulting him. Naturally I didn't see it that way at all, and earning about a quarter of what he does, thought it was the only sensible option. He had a whinge to his DM about it. She told him to get a grip and backed me up 100%, dear woman.

If his big concern is when he gets a day off...perhaps explain that weekends are the time for everyone to take a break...including you!

Either way, you need to sit him down and have a grown up chat about the deal you both have and work something out otherwise resentment will build on both sides

Im confused - what days/hours is your youngest in childcare or preschool and what days/hours do you work?

Wife work.
It takes time.
I dont blame you for wanting a bit of time to get ahead for the weekend. Otherwise you will spend all weekend cooking, washing whilst other people relax.

I have this from DP. I currently work (all 07:00 - 20:30) Monday, Tuesday, Saturday, Sunday, Thursday Friday in my NHS job (36 hours a week), then run a 10 hour botox/fillers clinics once every 4 weeks.

My DChild does not attend nursery on Wednesdays. So my current pattern is: long day Monday, long day Tuesday, care for DChild Wednesday, do life/business admin Thursday, deep clean of house Friday, long day Saturday, long day Sunday, life/business admin Monday, study Tuesday, care for DChild Wednesday, collapse and sleep for half of the day Thursday followed by assisting FIL in the afternoon, life/business admin Friday, off Saturday and Sunday during which time DP does sweet FA as "I haven't had a rest in 12 days".

Yet I work more hours and do more life admin/cleaning. For example in the past fortnight I have: renewed both car insurances, booked my MOT, bought school uniform, cleaned soap rim off bath, cleaned tops of the cupboards, hoovered the skirting boards, mowed the lawn, de wormed the cats, cleaned the oven, cleaned the toilets, boiled washed my uniforms that were covered in vomit, changed the bedding, washed the towels. He NEVER DOES THESE TASKS but has the cheek to call me lazy because I have days here without DChild!

I'm also finding it difficult to follow, but the sensible way forward seems to be for him to drop some hours too?

Although the hours are shorted and a bit more fragmented when the kids are pre school, once they're both in full time then it gets easier. Obviously school days (for the pupils) are short, so there will be childcare logistics to work out, but there's no reason why he can't work part time too and then be around for more pick ups