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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL treat my kids different

40 replies

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 20:18

Just abit of a rant really as I am really continously annoyed with my partners parents as they treat our children different to his sisters child. We all live in the samd area however they see my children 3 times a year and our nephew 4 times a week! They also buy nephew things like toys and clothes and take him on special days out too and never give ours so much as a pound. I just dont understand it as we have never had any falling out or anything its just the way they are and they seem to think ita fine because its their daughter. Does anyone else have annoying PIL like this ? X

OP posts:

stella23 · 27/08/2017 20:21

Do you include them in your life? Are they treated as part of your family?

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 20:35

Yes we used to go to all family things we was invited to, christmas etc for years and our eldest was the only grandchild for a while but they never brought him anything or made any effort, then my partners sister had a baby and it all became about that child and they brought loads of things for their nursery and baby stuff and mine got nothing when born and its carried on. I just dont understand how you can treat grandchildren so differently. We dont bother with them now as my eldest is quite old now and got upset as he started to notice that nephew got all the attention etc and i thought it was unfair to keep putting him in that situation. But even tho we dont see them that often it doesnt stop from keep hearing about what they do and pay and buy nephew all the time which gets annoying x

OP posts:

AnUnhappyStudent · 27/08/2017 20:37

Yes my 'DF' and his wife do this. It makes my DD 11 feel unimportant as she now notices the difference. We reduced contact

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 20:39

Thats what we have done over the last year reduced contact it just really grates on me tho lol i would love to have it out with them but dont want to destroy what relationship we do have so just dont bother x

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Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/08/2017 20:42

Grand parents are also closer to their daughters children.

Yes its not fair, but. Its the way it is.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/08/2017 20:42

Always not also

KatieHaslam22 · 27/08/2017 20:43

I don't think they do it on purpose it's just that they see the daughters child more often therefore have more of a reason to buy things that would make having a child round the house easier!
My mother helps me out 3days a week with childcare so has my daughter sleeping at her house at least one night a week now so they have clothes and shoes and toys and all sorts, made my DD her own bedroom. My daughter is always perfectly fine with all things at grandma's being for everyone of the grandchildren and happily shares with her cousins

Unihorn · 27/08/2017 20:44

I do think your daughter's children are different than your son's children. It's harder to "interfere" with your daughter in law's parenting than your daughter's.

Montsti · 27/08/2017 20:46

I have exactly the same and I'm abroad where my pil and 2 x sils are...my family are a continent away so it's not as if my kids are seeing them regularly, although they'd love to...

It really grates me...I just feel so sorry for my kids...

RedSkyAtNight · 27/08/2017 20:46

Grandparents are not always closer to their daughter's children!

I'm in a similar situation to OP, but it's my brother's DC who are favoured over my DC (I'm female).
DH's parents also favour his brother's child.

There is however a strong correlation between the GPs favouring the DC of the child that is most "needy".

PodgeBod · 27/08/2017 20:50

Yes I have the same situation here. I used to make a huge effort with PIL but gave up as it was never returned. It really upsets me that my DD's don't have 2 sets of family that want to spend time with them but luckily my own family adore them.

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 20:52

I know thats what people say that your daughters children its easier to be closer but i dont see why people have to do it. My mums got me and my db but treats our children exactly the same. It just feels like abit of a kick in the teeth when i made alot of effort and time for them, even giving my MIL special moments etc instead of my own mother and they treat my kids like that. It is a shame as my kids think alot of them but obviously they dont get it back. If we dont make effort to see them then they only come birthdays and christmas where as they are always at SIL and we live closer lol x

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Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 20:53

As a mother of boys i hope i am not like my MIL lol thanks for the replies x

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felicitychambers · 27/08/2017 20:54

My DPs whole family are like this. He only has sisters and they and MIL regularly all meet with their children (we are all not far from eachother) and our family are never invited. My DC actually asked what his 'aunties' name was the other day on a rare occasion that we saw her.

I just backed off and don't let it bother me, my DCs have great friends, my family are great and dote on them. Its a shame as there are no other children on my side so they miss out seeing their cousins regularly but when we are all together we are very clearly the 'other' family.

Underthemoonlight · 27/08/2017 20:57

I have the same problem sil is supported with childcare constantly where as my
DC don't get so much interaction especially my youngest who is a boy. They couldn't even make an effort to see him on his birthday and dropped his present off with sil and saw her child instead.. we have gone low contact and don't make near as much effort as we used to.

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 21:01

You both sound like mine lol i get fed up with it all now too as even when my partner trys talking to MIL about our sons its always "nephew does that" or something about him its all she talks about. And we are always left out if things now too. That dropping off your ds present off at SIL is bad tho lol. Interested to know has anyone ever confronted PIL about this issue at all x

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felicitychambers · 27/08/2017 21:06

My MIL also talks non stop about the others it drives me mental as what limited time she spends with my DC should be quality time. She spends a lot of time with DP's nephew, and if my DC says Nanny do you want to see my books etc. She will say oh yes 'DN' has those they are great blah blah. Or school work she will say what he can do, I think all you can do is try to stop it bothering you. I feel like if my DCs will always be 2nd (or even 3rd) best then I won't push contact and we really only see them on special occasions now where I bite my tongue!

keeponworking · 27/08/2017 21:06

Can I be the voice of my now 15 yo DD OP?

She has suffered being not the favourite out of a range of all the grandchildren within the family.

She saw the inequity, it hurt her. They treated her differently, it hurt her. With this and other bs from her own father and this unequal treatment, she's left now with lifelong anxiety and feelings that there's something wrong, with HER, and she doesn't measure up. It's absolutely, totally, heartbreaking.

This will be your future reality if you don't do something to protect your children you're right, as they get older, they DO notice. I bet you'll see this reflected in family photos as well - they say a picture tells a thousand stories, and who is and isn't in them and who is grouped with who etc, can be very telling.

My advice from my own experience would be to say that to them that you've noticed the differences/favouritism and you need them to know that it's hurtful for your children. Either they rectify it by doing a b c, or you'll be going NC to protect your children from being made to feel like shit by them.

For me, it was a bit difficult to deal with as this only ever went on when my DC were having contact with their dad at his house (with visits to and by the GPs) and it finally came to a point where she was a. old enough to have her voice listened to if it had gone back to court and b. she literally couldn't take any more, she was broken, and we were at the rendezvous point and she just broke down (I don't mean she just cried a bit, she fell apart) and wasn't able to go for regular contact ever after that.

The effects of this type of bs are lifelong and extremely damaging and I sincerely do hope you're able to resolve this all in a way that works for you.

Juicyfruitloop · 27/08/2017 21:07

YANBU. It is really unfair on your DC. I think it is quite common my own parents are definitely closer to mine and my sisters children. I am very aware how it could make them feel so I make extra effort to include them. Although Sil's mum is very on hand with her children. Also on DH's side his parents are closer to his sisters children, days out etc than mine.

Juicyfruitloop · 27/08/2017 21:11

Yes Yes agree with PP it gets my goat when MIL spends the entire time talking about DN's.

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 21:12

Thank you for your reply, im sorry to hear about your dd. This is why it annoys me so much as these GPs just go around doing this thinking its fine when clearly its not. All ive done so far is stopped bothering going to see them a year ago when my eldest commented on it so now they only pop around at birthdays and christmas for an hour each time. That is even annoying as they either bring nephew with them or all they talk about is him so they pay no attention to mine, however my eldest now stays in his room when they come around as he has no time for them so i am hoping that it bothers me more than him and no lasting damage is done as yet x

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CreamCheeseBrownies · 27/08/2017 21:12

Similar here but we keep them at arm's length to some extent - chicken and egg. I wouldn't want to be with them 4 times a week.

Stupid qu perhaps but have you suggested a weekly or twice wekly get together, if that's what you'd like?

Bitlost · 27/08/2017 21:13

Same story here. PILs are obsessed with SIL's child: drive down the length of the country to help them out and babysit, have covered their living room with DN's photos and none of our child etc... They've also started making unhealthy comparisons between their two grandchildren.

I just try to rise above it and have more admiration every day for my grandmother (94) who's at the head of a family of 5 children, 10 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren. She's treated us all the same, always, and is loved and adored by us all. And my PIL can't even manage this with two children and two grandchildren. Really pathetic.

rednsparkley · 27/08/2017 21:15

I have the same problem and tbh we have drastically reduced contact. I have also blocked all of DH's family from my fb as it used to upset me looking at all the pics of sleepovers and camping trips and days out that my kids were excluded from.

My PIL collect my SIL children from school quite frequently but never offer to get mine (they attend the same school)

Initially it was hurtful and bewildering but now it is just bewildering. We have never (to our knowledge) given them any reason to exclude our kids. DH feels the same as I but is of the opinion that it is their loss and when they are alone in the nursing home they may reflect on why they are not surrounded by loving family.

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 21:17

Yes we all used to go to their house regulary but the whole time our kids where ignored whilst nephew was played with and cuddled kissed etc and everything was to suit him ie what they watched on kids tv and things and we would go round SIL house all of us and it was constantly nanny had brought nephew loads of things and said to our face when ours got nothing. So i just gave up. I would love to say to them how i feel but theres never been any problems between all of us i dont want to fall out so its just something ill have to get over as doubt theyd change. Its also things like nativity plays etc they was invited to all our kids but where always "busy" but now go to all nephews events x

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