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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL treat my kids different

40 replies

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 20:18

Just abit of a rant really as I am really continously annoyed with my partners parents as they treat our children different to his sisters child. We all live in the samd area however they see my children 3 times a year and our nephew 4 times a week! They also buy nephew things like toys and clothes and take him on special days out too and never give ours so much as a pound. I just dont understand it as we have never had any falling out or anything its just the way they are and they seem to think ita fine because its their daughter. Does anyone else have annoying PIL like this ? X

OP posts:

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 21:20

Maybe im still at the hurtful stage lol hopefully going to move on to bewildering soon and yes you are right as my ds wont be visiting them when they are old x

OP posts:

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 21:22

Yes my nan has over ten GC from 2 ds and 2 dd and has always treated us the same i just dont understand it x

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Underthemoonlight · 27/08/2017 21:23

What's worse was it was his first birthday and they told us last minute they weren't coming. Of course it's a totally different matter if it's sils baby. That really did it for me when they did that and I since distanced myself after that and it took 16 weeks before mil came to see the dc. My dc have fantastic grandparents in my own parents and we never ask them to baby sit as it's always some excuse so they are the last to be asked.

Mama234 · 27/08/2017 21:24

They sound horrible, No reason to treat anybody's kids differently, They are all collectively their grandchildren.
I wouldn't bother with them anymore ignore them like they ignore your kids. Some people aren't worth worrying about. Forget about them and be happy x

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 21:26

Oh my god and i thought mine was bad, its crazy really as they not only dont develop a relationship with their GC but dont you fibd it also ruins or puts a wedge between them and their ds your partner. My partner has really become withdrawn from his parents because of this and its a shame x

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FiveStarService · 27/08/2017 21:28

Sadly, there are a lot of rubbish Grandparents in the world and lots of good ones, it is a lottery. People will try to excuse it and blame you but realistically, they are the ones to blame and there is nothing you can do other than accept and ignore their behaviour. As you say, your dc have already seen it for themselves and made their decision to protect and distance themselves. Don't let them upset you. It is unlikely they will ever change. Be happy that they have limited interference in your and your DP's relationship, it can be a real problem for some families (you just have to look at the relationships board to see it)

Original poster

2mum17 · 27/08/2017 21:28

I wish it was easy to ignore them completely but they always messaging DP about stuff to do with nephew etc so we find it all out and have to see them on special occasions however reading all the replies think its going to help me move on now and get over it and not let it get to me thank you x

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mummmy2017 · 27/08/2017 21:29

I moved almost nextdoor to my parents, sort of happened, by accident, so my children could run up the hill to mum's, she would do things with the children when she saw them, so because mine saw her more, they got more attention, people don;t seem to realized because you see a grandchild more, the bond is stronger, she always treated the other children the same when she saw them, but mine were 2 times a week, and the others were 6 a year, we alwasy left it till afternoon before we went up in case my siblings wanted time with our parents, they never bothered.
Sometimes I get cross that they don't find the time, but I bite my tongue, it's like we had Grand children over 25 years, so now the youngest grandchildren are here, my parents are old and can't have the children to stay as it is too much for them, that gets bitched about as well.

user1489675144 · 27/08/2017 21:29

Grandparents can be strange. You have to try to live with it for family peace.

Eg my mother charged me for small amount of childcare but offered free for brothers children (because we have a big house..) he spends all his money on going out and holidays...

No point complaining it is what it is

Underthemoonlight · 27/08/2017 21:30

It's always best to go low contact my DH completely agrees with me but I don't like to meantion it too much as it's still hurts him it's his parents at the end of the day. All that matter is our little family the dc have each other and some fantastic aunties and uncles plus my parents. I know when my lads are older I will treat their dc as equally as I would my dd and always offer the same. We limit when we go round now maybe once a month sometimes 6 weeks.

DisorderedAllsorts · 27/08/2017 21:35

My inlaws are like this and I've cone to terms with it now. I invite them to dinner etc but take the attitude that it's great if they come but am not bothered if they don't. I also see their indifference as liberating because there's no obligation for me to become their prime carer in old age. My in laws are not interested in my children so they shouldn't expect my children to be interested in them in their old age.

Underthemoonlight · 27/08/2017 21:39

I noticed DH relationship with his mother has deteriorated since we had dc. She made out to be so excited to become a nana as this was the first gc but just didn't bother. DH even had ago at her but it didn't change so we accepted it. It wasn't until I was pregnant with ds and sil got pregnant she got a pushchair, travel cot etc she didn't when we have our dc. She had them once or twice as a baby for novelty purposes then stopped but has sils baby all the time. For the first time we had something to compare it to and realised she just wasn't as borthered. She's not as bad with dd but sils baby is favourite and DS is hardly acknowledged especially on fb inregards to photos. DH and his relationship just deteriorated further and he had distanced himself further. Such a shame because DS and dd are lovely children. I feel very protective of DS because he is often sidelined. He is clingy and just crys at her because she's a stranger where as he knows my dm and goes up to here freely.

felicitychambers · 27/08/2017 21:44

My in laws are not interested in my children so they shouldn't expect my children to be interested in them in their old age.

^ this.

I used to feel bad that DCs had much less 'interest from PIL but I just now see it as their loss, my parents see them atleast weekly because they will invite us for dinner, or pop over for a cuppa etc. they always want to come and see the school plays/fetes if they can. In return my DCs have a great bond with my parents and siblings, they actually know them. PIL have to send texts around Xmas asking what to get them/what they are in to as they don't see them often enough to know their likes and dislikes and when they do spend time with them my DCs are a little indifferent and just treat them in a 'polite adult' way rather than a loving GP bond.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/08/2017 21:51

My nan and grandad was closer to me and my sister, probably because they saw us more, practically everyday (My mum had 2 brothers).
However when they saw my cusions which was only once every blue moon. They still made a huge fuss of them. They never ignored them

happymumof4crazykids · 27/08/2017 22:02

I've gone nc with my mil for stuff just like this. She has my OH daughter from his first marriage every week. They take her out buy her loads and do nothing with our kids at all. They are lucky to see her at xmas, birthdays and Easter. We lived in the same street until 6 months ago! When my step daughter is here she tells the others what she does and where she goes with nana so it was becoming an issue for me. I told my mil she was being unfair. She said As dsd was her first grandchild there is bond that will last forever and she wants her in her life as much as she can. Apparently I will never know what it is to love a child till I become a grandparent and she doesn't need to make so much of an effort with my girls because I'm with her son where as dsd deserves more attention because her mum and dad split up. ( her mum had an affair) I told her to fuck off and I've never been happier

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