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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm never going to get my money back, and should never lend to a friend again?

50 replies

BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 19:33

I think I have been a total fool here in hindsight

I lent a friend who's having a prolonged period out of work and has found herself not being able to make ends meet. I lost my job and have young children.

She was saying how much she couldnt pay the bills, feed her kids etc months ago so I said if she needed I would lend her cash.

She's not paid back one penny but has been on holiday, out for diners, to concerts, to the cinema, etc etc. I have asked her but she says she's going to pay me back, bit by bit ( but seems unable to ever make a start) she unable to eat now. But sometimes I think she forgets I can see her FB status.

IABU to never ever lend anyone else any cash? I'm not getting it back am I? To be fair I was the stupid one to offer, she didn't approach me first. She's a good friend and I will be willing to write it off. It's more that it's left me think it's something I should have never done before and should never do again.

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 27/08/2017 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatsername17 · 27/08/2017 19:37

Have you called her out on It? I've no real advice. I did something similar and ended up writing off the money and the friend.

Papafran · 27/08/2017 19:39

How much did you lend her?

ChickenBhuna · 27/08/2017 19:40

How much does she owe you?

LiveLifeWithPassion · 27/08/2017 19:41

In what ways is she a good friend?
I wouldn't have thought a good friend would treat you like that.

I would do what Anecdoche suggested.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2017 19:41

How much? Go on that Judge Rinder programme. He sorts out this kind of stuff. Did you have a written agreement?

safariboot · 27/08/2017 19:42

YANBU. I will give money to a friend who really needs it. I will not lend. That's how you get arguments about who owes what to who, you get pisstakers like OP's friend, and you end up falling out.

Lloyd45 · 27/08/2017 19:45

Never lend money unless you can give it away and be able not to expect it back. It does make me cross when people owe money and they are on expensive holidays and going out for dinner, I could never do that

Ttbb · 27/08/2017 19:49

I would say YABU to call her a good friend. She's used you. You should drop the aquaintence abs threaten to sue her if she doesn't start paying you back.

Ijustwantaquietlife · 27/08/2017 19:50

Op we need a figure.

When a friend is not having enough money I buy them a big Lidl shop or put money on as a gift. It's the only way imo.

Mrsfloss · 27/08/2017 19:54

When lending money I only lend it if I can afford to loose it and if I get it back it's a bonus

Original poster
BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 19:56

I was around £150 so not a insane amount of money. Less than a holiday, trips to cinama, a meal out etc.
I'm ok with saying to myself I'm not getting it back. I think in reality by this stage I'm not getting it back. If she asks again for cash I can then say 'sorry, I could really have done with getting even a bit of what I lent you ages ago back. I'm not in a position to lend more right now'.

She is a good friend, she's good enough to overlook this on balance.

I'm just disappointed it's the first time I have ever done anything like this, hoping that I'd be repaid the favour if I was down on my luck. But in reality, I'm not even a priority to repay, forget returning the favour 😭

Oh well, a life lesson and thankfully not a expensive one like I need a car, guarantor or consign on a loan. Im not doing this again.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 27/08/2017 19:57

It's funny how priorities change once someone opens their purse!!
Tell her you want the full Amount back or you're taking her to small claims - tell her holidays and concerts don't come before feeding your own family
Then walk away

MaisyPops · 27/08/2017 19:59

Accept you wont get it back but absolutely tell her that you feel quite hurt that you helped her out and instead of paying you back she is off spending on treats when really a good friend would pay back what they borrowed first.

If she asks again to borrow just say "i can't. I helped you before and you've not paid me back."

Chickoletta · 27/08/2017 20:01

Personally, next time she posts about doing something expensive On FB I would send her a message (private) saying that you are hurt and annoyed that she would think it ok to spend money in this way when she says that she can't afford to pay you back. It will probably be the end of the friendship, but it's likely to be dead anyway tbh, and at least you will have said your piece and hopefully made her think.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2017 20:01

Have you actually asked her for the money back. I think I'd write her a letter asking her to repay the money as she now obviously can afford it.

I wouldn't stay friends with somebody who didn't pay back that amount unless they were destitute. It is really mean of her to carry on like this. Not really a good friend at all. Selfish is the word. Maybe somebody else is paying for those trips out. In which case I suppose I'd give her a bit longer to repay the money.

Maplestaple · 27/08/2017 20:03

You keep saying she's a good friend. She's not she's shit.

I'd tell her you want £30 a week until she's paid you back. Don't ask her for it back tell her you need it back and on which day you need it every week.

Don't let her take the piss out of you.

Maelstrop · 27/08/2017 20:04

I think I would like a few of her FB posts on her nights out/holiday pics then message and say you are desperate for the money. Say stuff to her that she said to you!

QuiteLikely5 · 27/08/2017 20:04

how ca you say she's a good friend? She is anything but!

You need to call her out and demand your cash back - it's not the point it's the principle

ginswinger · 27/08/2017 20:08

I lent a 'friend' £500 and never got it back. I stuck it through the small claims court and got it back (slowly). Friendship most definitely over.

ChickenBhuna · 27/08/2017 20:09

£150 is a lot of money op. I agree with others that you must tell her you need it back. Then you can tell her to do one.

If it was less than £20 I'd just let it go and ditch the "friendship" immediately.

Original poster
BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 20:10

Yes I have asked. She said she would pay back X amount a week a while ago but when I checked my bank I asked if she had my right details. That's when she said she will, but is currently unable to get food for her kids, , but has had two day out FB statuses since then.

If I didn't see her FB I'd possibly be offering more money.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 27/08/2017 20:11

I agree with what Anecdoche said in the first reply.
Tell her you are hurt that, despite the fact you have little money yourself, you managed to find money to lend her as she said she couldn't afford food, but you are really hurt by the fact that she hasn't even tried to pay a small part of it back, even though she is now clearly able to afford luxuries such as cinema and holidays.

I also agree with Chicloletta in saying it would be worth PMing her after she has posted on FB about another money costing treat.

I think the word 'hurt' is really good. Much better than angry.

melj1213 · 27/08/2017 20:14

Have you actually spoken directly to your friend about these trips/events?

Have you specifically asked for the money back?

Do you know she paid for her trips/events using that money?

If you haven't even spoken to her then I think YABabitU because you are quietly seething about something when you don't know all the facts. Perhaps another friend invited her on a night out and other people offered her drinks? Maybe she went to the cinema with an offer/voucher as a treat for the kids or with a friend who offered to cover the tickets because they know she's skint? Perhaps the holidays and concerts were already paid for before she ran into financial difficulty?

From the outside it might look like she is taking the piss but there could be reasonable explanations why she has the money for those events but not to pay you back. Equally she could just be chancing her arm at not paying you back and hoping you won't push for the money but you won't know until you talk to her directly.

Yika · 27/08/2017 20:16

I sympathise as I have learnt this lesson the hard way myself too.

What about asking her to set up a standing order for a tiny but regular amount - e.g. 5 pounds a week - until it's paid off.

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