Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think I'm never going to get my money back, and should never lend to a friend again?

50 replies

BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 19:33

I think I have been a total fool here in hindsight

I lent a friend who's having a prolonged period out of work and has found herself not being able to make ends meet. I lost my job and have young children.

She was saying how much she couldnt pay the bills, feed her kids etc months ago so I said if she needed I would lend her cash.

She's not paid back one penny but has been on holiday, out for diners, to concerts, to the cinema, etc etc. I have asked her but she says she's going to pay me back, bit by bit ( but seems unable to ever make a start) she unable to eat now. But sometimes I think she forgets I can see her FB status.

IABU to never ever lend anyone else any cash? I'm not getting it back am I? To be fair I was the stupid one to offer, she didn't approach me first. She's a good friend and I will be willing to write it off. It's more that it's left me think it's something I should have never done before and should never do again.

OP posts:

Iwantamarshmallow · 27/08/2017 20:17

This person borrowed money off you then doesn't pay it back and continues to flaunt it on Facebook . She is not your friend. If she was she would have paid you back asap. I bet she asks you for money again. You need to walk away from this 'friendship'.

Allthewaves · 27/08/2017 20:18

A good friend did this to me. Having trips out, meals etc but no sign of my money. Luckily after 6 months was paid back in full when their dp found out

Letmesleepalready · 27/08/2017 20:19

I had a friend who kept borrowing money and never gave it back until much later (and only because she wanted to borrow more) it was very small amounts but to us it meant that we had to miss out on things. The amount isn't the issue, £10 to one person could have the same effect as £100 or £1000 depending on situations.
If she just paid it back when she said she would it wouldn't be so bad, because you can plan around it. But when it's late or never, it can really mess things up.

Original poster

BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 20:36

Yes I have asked for the money back, I will ask again next week. When I see her I will ask if her BF pays for her when they go out as that's less confrontational than who's paying for her social life.

I think either way it's sunk money now and she's got no intent of paying me back. I think she did intend to pay me back originally but as I havent even had £5 so far it's unlikely to be paid back in part or in full ever.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 20:37

Good idea about the £5 a week. I will ask for £10 or even £5 a week as I could do with the money now

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 20:45

letmesleep what did you say when the friend asked for more money?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 27/08/2017 20:56

I really wouldn't ask her if her BF pays - that's nosey and she would be entitled to day 'none of your business'.
By now you have to be quite direct and speak plainly.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 27/08/2017 21:01

I wouldn't ask if her BF pays for their days out. That's not the important bit at the moment.

Tell her you've seen her recent posts up about days out and that you're feeling very hurt that you have loaned her money, and money that you yourself could do with, as you felt that she was in a dire situation. As it turns out, she isn't, so you would like all of your money back by a certain date and not piecemeal, in one sum.

Don't offer her the option of weekly payments as she'll forget to pay you back the weekly installments or come up with some other reason why she can't pay. She must pay the money she owes you and in one lump sum. How she gets that money is not your concern, you just want your money back.

sonjadog · 27/08/2017 21:03

I think you will have to write off the money. I think a good rule is to never lend money that you can´t afford to give away.

Mrscropley · 27/08/2017 21:05

Send her a message on fb that everyone can see. .

She isn't going to pay you back so show her up and bow out of the friendship. She isn't a friend anyway.

Edgeofthedesert · 27/08/2017 21:09

I lent a friend money. I then lost my bank card and literally had no money to buy food. I said this to her and she never once offered to pay me back.

I will never lend money to a friend ever again. It ruins friendships.

austenozzy · 27/08/2017 21:13

Write it off mentally and if some/all turn up then it's a bonus.

This falls unde the umbrella of 'never do business with friends or family'. Things will get awkward if it doesn't all go perfectly to plan.

Like a pp, I gave some money to an old friend to get to a family funeral in Eastern Europe on the proviso that I didn't expect it back and we were never to mention it, as I didn't want it to become an elephant in the room. She did pay it all back in one lump a couple of months later and we've never discussed it and it's never been an issue.

Mum2jenny · 27/08/2017 21:16

Never lend to friends or family money you ever expect to be seen again. On that basis, you will never be disappointed by the outcome (could be pleasantly surprised though!).

HerRoyalNotness · 27/08/2017 21:20

BIL still owes us 5k from 7yrs ago. I thought that him having a vow renewal complete with big dress, bridesmaids and a knees up was taking the piss somewhat. He didn't even invite us

My brother took the piss too on one occasion, so next time he asked I said no. He never has 2 pennies to rub together so I was quite surprised when he paid me back unprompted about 10yr after the loan. I'd help him again if I could. BIL can get fucked

wannabestressfree · 27/08/2017 21:33

Why are you planning what to say to her when she asks again when she already owes you money? This should not even be entering your head. Message her now with your bank details and say you need some money. She will have had tax credits etc already as it's bank holiday. Strike whilst the iron is hot.....

I get it you are a kind person. There is a difference between kindness and doormat though- I am learning that lesson the hard way.

Original poster

BlueCaravelle · 27/08/2017 21:38

Yes I'm seeing lately that I'm a doormat, to more than just this person. She's already got my bank details..... from months ago when said she set the direct debit up.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 27/08/2017 21:49

She's NOT a good friend OP. She's just using you.

Andrewofgg · 27/08/2017 21:51

Shakespeare got it right.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be . . . .

balsamicbarbara · 27/08/2017 22:56

I've seen it time and time again and think it's almost a universal quirk that people you lend money to actually end up disliking you for it and will often not pay it back. Not sure what the psychology is behind this but I've seen it too many times.

llangennith · 27/08/2017 23:15

She's not a friend. Forget about the debt and forget about this woman. Find proper friends who won't take the piss.

wannabestressfree · 28/08/2017 00:45

The remind her again. And again. For sorne reason they need it. And the be 'frosty' before the apology. She need recognition of the problem and reminbursement before you move on.

oldlaundbooth · 28/08/2017 00:47

Lesson learnt OP.

I went out for dinner with a mate, well ex mate mow of course, she span me a tale that she didn't have cash in her account or some shit, so I paid for her meal.

Did I ever get it back?

Did I fuck.

Letmesleepalready · 28/08/2017 06:10

Oh, well I was a doormat and said ok, but you really need to pay me back when you say you will. Obviously she didn't. So I got cross and she didn't talk to me for a while, until she needed money again... I ended up moving... (not because of that!) and haven't heard from her since.

vikingprincess81 · 28/08/2017 06:24

OP, you don't have to be a doormat though, think how good it would feel to be assertive and stand up for yourself.
If she asks for money again you say, 'no, I won't be able to lend you anything.' You can add in a sorry if you're so inclined, but I wouldn't.
Reframe it in your mind - she's taken £150 away from you, which although you say you can write off, is a substantial amount, which could have paid for a few weeks food shopping, you could have put towards savings, whatever, but you can't now because she has it. Why would you inconvenience yourself more to allow her to have treats? We've all been skint at some point, most people know that's when you live quietly and preserve your money as much as you can.
If she's really struggling for food, and you want to, and can afford to, after ALL your bills are paid then you might offer to buy a bag of groceries. If she's hard up then she'll take it - I would have if someone had offered when I was really skint!
You don't have to be a doormat though, it doesn't do you or anyone else any favours. People here can help out with wording for texts/what to say when cheeky fuckers try it on, and you can be more assertive.
www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness-techniques.html
There's a book called 'when I say no I feel guilty' by Manuel J Smith - best book I've ever read on assertiveness, and really changed my outlook on how to deal with people who are take take take.

Original poster

BlueCaravelle · 28/08/2017 11:52

In the light of day, after sleeping on it I see I'm not getting the money back. It was six months ago, I offered to buy some food but the choice of where I would shop, and what I would buy if I was desperate for food didn't seem to match up at the time. I haven't had even 1p back in all that time.
I'm going to ask again for it back and suggest a few different options for paying it back.
Importantly I have learnt my lesson here and I'm thankful it was £150 and not £1500 or something stupid. I'm not doing this again - unless it's my kids and I want to gift them as adults.
I can see how these things can turn sour on the lender when it's there is good intention to help out, they end up being the bad guy. Like when I asked why the direct debit hadn't been set up, I'm given a guilt trip.
It wasn't the outcome I was expecting, more fool me. I didn't even say when I needed it back by. It was supposed to be when she could afford too - which is never.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread