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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Confused man in the high street, police involved

97 replies

SoSelfConsious · 27/08/2017 16:43

Ok, so I think I did the right thing here but prepared to be told wrong.

Walking through a practically deserted high street earlier today with DD (2). Came across a older man who seemed to be looking for something. I offered help (I've lived in the town all my life so know where most things are) but he kept saying "I don't know where I am, I want to go home". I guessed he had some form of dementia.

There was nowhere open in the high street with it being Sunday (I was walking through as there's a nice park just off the top and I was taking DD there) so I got him sat down on a bench, and another passerby came over offering to help.

We tried to find out where he lived but he kept saying "London" and with the town being around 250 miles from London, thought while plausible highly unlikely thats where he now lives. So the passerby and I decided to call 101 to ask for advice/help as there's no longer a police station in our town.

Hoped the police would tell us where to take him, but they said they'd send an officer down to us from the city which is about 10 miles away. They advised us to take him to the cafe at the local supermarket as it would be open and due to the heat they were worried about him being dehydrated due to the heat.

He had a lovely time with us, and I got chatting to the other lady. The man by this point thought I was his granddaughter and my daughter was his great grandson (I felt bad constantly correcting him and DD didn't care so I let him call her he - she was wearing a grey tshirt and blue shorts with butterflies on but at a distance could easily be mistaken for a boy).

Eventually a plain clothed officer (I assumed to not scare him more?) turned up and said she knew where he was from. As soon as the officer said she was taking him home, he laughed and off he went. I called 101 later and the nursing home were happy to have him back and that he'd got there safely.

When discussing this with a friend she said I shouldn't have bothered the police and instead should of rung round all the local homes and taken him back myself as it was likely he was from one of them. I pointed out there's at least 8 nursing and residential homes that I know of the area, and phoning them could take all day, when the important thing was keeping both him and my DD safe. We did try to find out where he lived (I'd have called the home if I'd have been able to work out where he lived and asked them to collect him).

She said I still did the wrong thing and possibly got the home in trouble if he's managed to escape.

I don't think I was UR, but MN tell me if I was? I'm worried they're all back at the police station laughing at the stupid women who called the police over an old man.

OP posts:
etsiketsi · 27/08/2017 17:53

God. You were 100% right. My FIL went missing last year after a change in dementia meds. My MIL fell asleep on the sofa for an hour, woke up and he was gone. It was torrential rain and he'd left in his slippers without a coat. We were frantic, utterly distraught, and reported him missing. Given he lives at home I'm so glad he came across someone lovely like you who called 101 rather than wasting a lot of time calling random nursing homes. 🙄

BellaNoche · 27/08/2017 17:59

We are a police family and you did absolutely the right thing.
Don't even question yourself, well done you x

The poor fellah could have ended up in a river or anything.
(your friend is an arse.)

Laine21 · 27/08/2017 18:00

ABSOLUTELY YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

My father has Alzheimers and I would hope and pray if he was having a bad day and got lost he would be lucky enough to have somebody as kind and caring as you to help him.

Penny4UrThoughts · 27/08/2017 18:05

You today did the right thing.

Is it really better to let every nursing home in town know that another nursing home has lost a resident?

Well done op.

Rodhullstvaerial · 27/08/2017 18:11

Agree with a PP, if the police didn't think it was something for them then they wouldn't have dealt with it.

I so wish this was true...

Notevilstepmother · 27/08/2017 18:18

I haven't rtft but I don't see anything wrong with your approach. Your friend wasn't there, you were, you made a sensible and very caring decision. The police dealt with it, and you looked after him in the meanwhile. If I was your friend I'd be saying well done so just ignore her.

Notevilstepmother · 27/08/2017 18:20

As for him possibly living at home, we had a neighbour who wandered off from her family home and was found having somehow managed to get a bus 10 miles away! She was in the early stages of dementia. So it's quite possible he wasn't from a local nursing home, or in a nursing home at all.

Halfsack · 27/08/2017 18:24

You're friend is an idiot. So what I'd the home did get into trouble. They obviously need to step up their patients security. I'd be very unhappy knowing my elderly relative could just roam free when they're so vulnerable. Well done you for doing the right thing.

ohtheholidays · 27/08/2017 18:25

No ignore your friend!

You did exactly the right thing not did you only stop and bother to help the gentleman but it sounds like you gave him a lovely afternoon as well.

My DH's a Police Officer and he's said you did what they would hope anyone would do if they came across someone that was probably quite vunerable and lost and my MIL is a Manager of a care home she'd be beside herself if any of the people she looks after went missing and she'd be so relieved that if one of the people she did care for was missing was helped by someone like you.

We need more people aound that are willing to stop and help someone for know other reason than it's the nice thing to do Flowers

MummaTwinkleToes · 27/08/2017 18:34

OP thank you for being so kind, you absolutely did the right thing and your friend is an idiot.
This has made me very emotional as brings back memories of when my uncle who has dementia has absconded from his nursing home. The first time it was witnessed although still took a long time for the staff to get him back with police help. The 2nd time he was missing for about 9hours with police searches and appeals for public to watch out for him over internet and radio. As a family we were frantically searching the local areas and ringing hospitals. He was found by a lovely kind lady about 15miles away (we think he got a bus) who realised something wasn't right and drove him to a community police office. They found out who he was as his name was in his hat. The lady didn't leave a name and to this day I wish we could've found out who she was to thank her as we were fearing the worse. Well done!

HappylandToysEverywhere · 27/08/2017 18:39

God bless you OP. Thankyou. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Please show your self-righteous friend this thread x

elliejjtiny · 27/08/2017 18:42

I think you did the right thing.

StarHeartDiamond · 27/08/2017 18:45

But why didn't you tell your friend that you had no clue if he lived at a nursing home or a usual home or had travelled on a bus from far away? Confused

And in the meantime whilst you were ringing around places he could have wandered off again.

StarHeartDiamond · 27/08/2017 18:48

TBH thinking about it I don't buy the bit about the friend at all. Is anyone really that dense that they'd be cross with you in case you'd got the home into trouble because the man got out?!

UnicornSparkles1 · 27/08/2017 18:56

You absolutely did the right thing. He might have been looked after at home or lived with a relative. Or hopped on a train or bus from god knows where. Or even wandered out of hospital. No guarantee that he was from a local home. Well done OP Flowers

WineAndTiramisu · 27/08/2017 19:18

Definitely did the right thing, mostly the dementia patients found wandering are from home rather than a care home, so you'd have been ringing around for no reason!

wowbutter · 27/08/2017 19:26

I used to be the senior carer in a nursing home, and we had patients go for walkabouts.
Unfortunately, even in semi secure units, there has to be fire escapes. Even discussed ones.
We would always follow, but when you have five staff, and over eighty residents, it's hard for more than one person to follow, as per procedure, so we would call the police.
You absolutely did the right thing. What would you do if he wasn't from a local home, but really from London??

Your friend is a pillock.

horriblehistorieswench · 27/08/2017 20:33

I think you did the right thing. He may not have been from a nursing home & family could have already reported him missing - to the police. So yes you should have contacted the police so they could check anyone reported missing. I think you did a lovely thing keeping him company until they came as well.

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 27/08/2017 20:40

You did totally the right thing, this is what I would have done.

Sparklesocks · 27/08/2017 20:48

You did the right thing. My grandmother has alzehimers and is in a home, and she went through a phase of 'escaping' (guests leaving back gate open etc) as she was trying to get 'home' - as in her home 20 years ago where she thought she still lived.

Once she managed to wander off and a passerby couple found her and soon realised she needed help. They asked for her address and she of course gave them the one from 20 years ago, about a 15 min drive away!! Meaning well they drove her there, and of course everyone was very confused when they knocked on the door and the people living there had no idea who gran was...

Meanwhile the police have been called and are driving around looking for her. As luck would have it, the couple drove her back to where they found her just as the police were there - they got quite a shock when all the police crowded around the car!!

My point is these people obviously meant very well, and we were grateful to them for helping, but sometimes it's best to let the police handle these sorts of things as it's not always clear cut.

Well done OP for helping the man and keeping him calm while they arrived.

2017SoFarSoGood · 28/08/2017 00:25

You did exactly what I would hope anyone kind would.

HiJenny35 · 28/08/2017 00:33

No definitely never take someone you don't know on your own in your car with your child however nice they seem. Dementia can make people react in lots of different ways and some can get violently aggressive without warning and you don't want that in an enclosed car. Also what if it wasn't dementia, what if it was diabetes which can present as confusion or after an epileptic fit or if he was confused after a traffic incident, or if he was simply care in the community, you had no way of knowing and the police should have been informed. Also this man was a risk to himself and if the care home are loosing a man who doesn't know where he lives on a regular basis then their safeguarding needs looking at and they should be told off. Thank you OP for looking after him.

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