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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Confused man in the high street, police involved

97 replies

SoSelfConsious · 27/08/2017 16:43

Ok, so I think I did the right thing here but prepared to be told wrong.

Walking through a practically deserted high street earlier today with DD (2). Came across a older man who seemed to be looking for something. I offered help (I've lived in the town all my life so know where most things are) but he kept saying "I don't know where I am, I want to go home". I guessed he had some form of dementia.

There was nowhere open in the high street with it being Sunday (I was walking through as there's a nice park just off the top and I was taking DD there) so I got him sat down on a bench, and another passerby came over offering to help.

We tried to find out where he lived but he kept saying "London" and with the town being around 250 miles from London, thought while plausible highly unlikely thats where he now lives. So the passerby and I decided to call 101 to ask for advice/help as there's no longer a police station in our town.

Hoped the police would tell us where to take him, but they said they'd send an officer down to us from the city which is about 10 miles away. They advised us to take him to the cafe at the local supermarket as it would be open and due to the heat they were worried about him being dehydrated due to the heat.

He had a lovely time with us, and I got chatting to the other lady. The man by this point thought I was his granddaughter and my daughter was his great grandson (I felt bad constantly correcting him and DD didn't care so I let him call her he - she was wearing a grey tshirt and blue shorts with butterflies on but at a distance could easily be mistaken for a boy).

Eventually a plain clothed officer (I assumed to not scare him more?) turned up and said she knew where he was from. As soon as the officer said she was taking him home, he laughed and off he went. I called 101 later and the nursing home were happy to have him back and that he'd got there safely.

When discussing this with a friend she said I shouldn't have bothered the police and instead should of rung round all the local homes and taken him back myself as it was likely he was from one of them. I pointed out there's at least 8 nursing and residential homes that I know of the area, and phoning them could take all day, when the important thing was keeping both him and my DD safe. We did try to find out where he lived (I'd have called the home if I'd have been able to work out where he lived and asked them to collect him).

She said I still did the wrong thing and possibly got the home in trouble if he's managed to escape.

I don't think I was UR, but MN tell me if I was? I'm worried they're all back at the police station laughing at the stupid women who called the police over an old man.

OP posts:

hesterton · 27/08/2017 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Motherofterriers · 27/08/2017 17:17

Your friend is wrong, he might not have come from a local home, he could have lived in his own home or with a relative but wandered off.
A care home or nursing home should have a DoLS in place if he has dementia and is not safe out on his own.

x2boys · 27/08/2017 17:20

Well sometimes they are for their own Safety Christina but that is usually when they also present with challenging behaviour too ( I worked on a specialist dementia unit for about six years as a staff nurse) but yes often they arnt and some people are cared for in their own homes for a long time .

x2boys · 27/08/2017 17:24

My ward was locked btw for our patients own Safety and often EMI units will be lockable I believe.

Dawnedlightly · 27/08/2017 17:25

Blimey your friend's a misery. And wrong. Does she often tell you you've got things wrong?

Autofillcontact · 27/08/2017 17:26

My DS is a police officer and this happens a lot (plain clothed nothing to do with not scaring him- it's not like they care that much lol) you can call the police or adult social services. The person is just as likely to live at home alone or with extended family as be in a home so what's the point calling around homes? Your mate sounds a bit dim

Runningsheila · 27/08/2017 17:29

You did the right thing.

mumeeee · 27/08/2017 17:29

OP you were right to call the police

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/08/2017 17:30

Your friend is wrong - you did the right thing.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/08/2017 17:31

Of course you did the right thing!

YellowLawn · 27/08/2017 17:31

you did the right thing.
also nice of you to stay with him and keeping him comfortable :)

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 27/08/2017 17:31

You did the right thing.

I work in a nursing home with 'escapees', it happens.

If that happened while I was on shift I'd have called the police ASAP.

Eryri1981 · 27/08/2017 17:32

You did the right thing.

As a paramedic, rather oddly in the space of 2 weeks I came across 2 elderly dementia patients wandering the streets in the early hours (neither were emergency calls just randomly spotted them whilst driving around between other jobs).

Neither of these people (one male, one female) were residents in care homes. One lived locally and wandered frequently, the other was on holiday in a caravan with her husband and had got up needing the toilet, got confused and walked out of caravan and then off the site wearing only underwear and socks.

The male, we managed to get enough details from to then phone and ask a favour of the sister in charge of A&E, she took the details off us and found him on the hospital database and gave us his address (technically a breech of data protection even between hcp...which is a little ridiculous), and we return him home to his wife who was asleep and hadn't realised he was missing.

The female had a wrist band SOS (always worth looking for) that unscrewed to reveal a note with her emergency details on, so we rung husband and sorted her.

In both cases we could easily have had to involve the police if we hadn't been able to work out were they were from.

AyUpMiDuck · 27/08/2017 17:35

I second that- You did the right thing.
If he wasn't from a Care Home they would have to get Adult Social Services involved to get someone to look after him, it can be a long process!
You sound like a lovely person btw - it was kind of you to notice and act- and I would be grateful if this was someone in my family.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/08/2017 17:38

Sounds like you did exactly the right thing.

KitKat1985 · 27/08/2017 17:38

Speaking as a nurse who works with patients with dementia, you did absolutely the right thing. How were you to even know he was from a home? He could have been living with a spouse / carer and got out the house by accident, or have been living alone and was unknown to services and no-one realised the extent of his dementia. The latter is sadly more common than you might think due to a lot of elderly people being isolated in old age and so there's no-one around them to pick up when things are going wrong. I have, on many occasions, seen patients admitted as family have returned at Christmas or similar having not seen their Mum / Dad etc for months as they don't live locally, only to find them confused, hungry and covered in urine and faeces on their return.

gabsdot · 27/08/2017 17:40

You did the right thing. Lady year my kids discovered an elderly man sitting in a clump of trees beside my house. I rang the police and it turned out he'd been missing from a nursing home and had been out all night.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 27/08/2017 17:42

KitKat1985 I see that too.

We get new residents come to us who'd previously been living at home and my first thought is often "WTF? How?"

They've often neglected themselves for months and no one knows.

Redglitter · 27/08/2017 17:42

Your friend is an idiot.

As a Police Despatcher I can tell you you did exactly the right thing. Very few of the calls we get about lost/confused people are from care homes. In fact I can't remember the last one we had from a home. It's far more likely someone will just wander off from the person they're with or leave their house get on a bus and end up lost.

The fact you waited was a huge help. Though I'd say the plain clothes officer was purely coincidental

Please ignore your friends bad advice and should you ever be in the same situation again call 101 again

Outlookmainlyfair · 27/08/2017 17:44

Massive thank you on his behalf! My dad died years ago after a form of dementia and I wish that there were more amazing people like you. Dementia is hideous and you wer so right to do what you did. We had to watch him closer that you watch a team of toddlers, he was an escapologist with a nose for danger; if this man was anything like my dad your kindness may have saved his life.

ohherewegoagain · 27/08/2017 17:47

You did the right thing. 100%

Ceebs85 · 27/08/2017 17:47

Your friend is an idiot.

As are the people insisting the man should be in a locked unit.

You did the right thing absolutely and I like to think I'd do the same xx

maxiflump1 · 27/08/2017 17:48

Police officer here and I've been out to loads of calls like this so please don't feel like you wasted anyone's time. You absolutely did the right thing.

Sequence · 27/08/2017 17:50

You definitely did the right thing. Just to stop and offer assistance to start with, noticing that something wasn't right, was more than a lot of people would have done. The police will have access to the right information and contacts and deal with the situation so much quicker.

If a relative of mine with dementia was lost, I'd rather a passer-by informed the police straight away so that:

if I phoned the police asking if they'd been found, the answer would be yes, not no
I would know they were in safe hands (no reflection on you OP, but sadly you can't trust everyone)
The police would have the right contacts for checking if someone had been reported missing and where they might live, and a safe place for them to stay in the meantime
They would be able to search the person for information which might help, whereas it wouldn't be appropriate for a member of public to do so
They'd get back home sooner if officers were on the case, rather than a member of the public trying to solve the problem, which could take hours and/or go very wrong.
You don't know the lost person's needs. They might be missing out on essential regular medication or treatment, or be unable to use the loo independently, or require a special diet, etc.
They might, very fortunately, recognise the person as happened in your case OP.
It won't be the first time they've assisted someone who is lost and confused.

Why is your friend more concerned about whether the care home gets into trouble so that it has to tighten its security, than the welfare of the confused gentleman? Why does she think she knows better than you - does she have any relevant experience?

There are many, many ways in which people waste police time. This is not one of them.

Thank you OP. I have a relative with dementia and if this happened I'd be massively grateful to you

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/08/2017 17:50

"She said I still did the wrong thing and possibly got the home in trouble if he's managed to escape."

I think this would be a reason why you should go through the police. Also, there's no guarantee at all that he was from a carehome. He could easily have been living with family or even on his own with people dropping in.

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