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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit frustrated by holiday mate?

54 replies

doricgirl · 27/08/2017 10:42

On holiday with a family we are friends with - initially met through both wives working together and since both had kids - theirs now preschool, ours just toddling.

I know preschool is a tough age too and am totally prepared to be told IABU but finding it hard that dad if preschooler is so focused on him that there is no thought for anyone else. My husband had to leave separately to us to come home as he's going via a conference so am currently standing on train to airport with baby asleep on my back having lugged all our luggage here myself. Focused dad has a seat, and when one came free gave it to the preschooler...my friend who can't really carry things due to disability has offered to help loads but focussed dad not once though he has a walking kid and one bag...

Kind of compounded by earlier in the trip he asked is to give him the group train ticket so they could go ahead and definitely get the train as he didn't want to be on there without a ticket... me, husband and baby were in a supermarket queue and would have had to buy a new ticket...

So although overall I've had a lovely time AIBU?

OP posts:
FiveStarService · 27/08/2017 13:00

The friend's Husband appears to not have wanted to go on holidays with another family. Where is his wife (with the disability) when he is walking too fast for you to keep up? Is she able to keep up with him?

NataliaOsipova · 27/08/2017 13:11

The friend's Husband appears to not have wanted to go on holidays with another family.

I thought that too.

Original poster
doricgirl · 27/08/2017 15:02

Yes I think you're probably right - it's felt like he doesn't even want us to interact with his kid - we've offered to take both lots and been given many reasons why not and even when we're together if me and husband get playing and joking with their DS the dad immediately jumps in and distracts him...

I adore their DS and love hanging out with him.

In terms of mobility DD is recently walking and always wants to. Their DS never goes out of sight. But I know it's v different.

Just sad at annoying end to nice holiday. On plane I had DD on my lap which is totally fine and what I paid for but focused dad saw the only two seats in the plane empty and moved there to sleep two rows behind me while DD climbed my face. I know it's not my right to have more space in any way but I'd never do that! Just incompatible values I guess 😐

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 27/08/2017 22:05

Honestly? I'd give future holidays with them a miss, if only because you'll now be expecting/looking out for this sort of behaviour from him, which means the dynamic is already spoilt. To me, it seems like you thought of it as going on holiday as a group and he thought of it as going as two separate families- and never the twain shall meet when it comes to that.

The seat on the train is the most telling thing, though, I think. I've been into London a few times this holiday, sometimes (stupidly) coming home in the rush hour. I've been amazed by the number of people who've leapt to their feet to offer us seats; in fact, on one occasion, without being asked in any way, one young man basically formed a human shield in front of my DDs on a busy tube to stop them getting squashed. And that's complete strangers. So, yes, I think I'd expect someone with whom I'd actually gone on holiday to have enough consideration to stick his kid on his lap so that I could sit down while I was holding a baby. As a pp said, at least you're not the one married to him!

Original poster
doricgirl · 27/08/2017 22:09

Yup we definitely don't think a group holiday again would be a good idea. Icing on the cake - one of my bags was left behind and while I was sorting it at the airport, he bought bus tickets and took his family home before I got out of baggage claim and then I spent 20 minutes with my knackered grumpy 15 month old looking for them before I got a taxi home... Actually quite upset by that one but my friend has apologised - am kind of worried for her a bit now :(

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 27/08/2017 22:21

he bought bus tickets and took his family home before I got out of baggage claim and then I spent 20 minutes with my knackered grumpy 15 month old looking for them before I got a taxi home...

Shock. And your friend didn't even come and say goodbye to you???

Original poster
doricgirl · 27/08/2017 22:24

She had waited with me for a bit then gone through to update her husband and said they would wait for me - I did say my phone had died so they couldn't contact me but I was through 5 minutes later and we were going on the same bus... Am quite upset but my friend seems very easily pushed to do what her husband wants and contacted me to apologise

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 27/08/2017 22:30

That really is a bit shitty - especially when they knew you were on your own with the baby. (Don't get me wrong - I'm sure you are perfectly capable of managing. I've travelled alone with my DD1 when she was small - but it's a different thing if you know that's the case (you might have prebooked a taxi, for example) from expecting to be with others who have essentially dumped you). Your friend doesn't seem to have much backbone either. No way would I have done that without saying goodbye to you and making sure you were okay, even if I'd had some pressing need to get home asap...

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2017 22:30

I would have put my child on one seat and offered the other to the woman carrying a child. I am a small female for context, so to not do it for a friend is just bloody rude in itself, without the other stuff. Obviously don't go on holiday with them again!

Hissy · 28/08/2017 06:45

Oh you can put aside all the train, bag, ticket crap and just the bus home leaving you to sort a taxi is exactly what you need to know to be sure he's a monumental twat.

Your friend's husband is vile and I would imagine your h will be pissed off to know his wife and baby we're basically dumped at the airport without so much as a by your leave

I hope he says something man to man. You don't do that! You just don't!

Be there for your friend, she's going to need you

KC225 · 28/08/2017 07:10

He sounds selfish. A 15 month old toddler is wriggly and heavy to not offer you a seat on the train is bloody rude. I would have said, the child can sit on your lap, we need that seat. Leaving you alone at the airport is not on. They could have looked after your child as you tried to find your bag.

He reminds me of a school dad. His wife volunteered him for a primary school trip and he was allocated 3 children to look after. He held his son's hand the whole trip and didn't bother with the other children at all not even bothering to to learn their names nor check where they were, or if they needed the toilet. He was awful. And his wife is so lovely.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 28/08/2017 07:21

The husband sounds like a dick. He put his 4 year old on the last seat, leaving you lugging a toddler to stand and wait.
Then even though you are going on the same bus, dumps you in baggage claim while they bugger off.
Even if no help, when you travel as a group you make sure every is OK, You ask each other if you got all the stuff, you wait for each other to catch the bus at the same time.
I'd avoid traveling with him again.

eurochick · 28/08/2017 07:35

He sounds like an utter twat.

ButtHiccup · 28/08/2017 07:40

I don't know. I think focused dad might actually be burned out dad.After a while of being with other people I just need to get away on my own and shut out other people. I might use focusing on child as means of doing this if I couldn't physically get away.I am sure,when I get like that I come across as being rude but I really can't help it.It sounds as though the dad was dragged on the holiday by his wife

Questioningeverything · 28/08/2017 07:53

I think he sounds like a total wanker.

I'd be avoiding situations where he's there when seeing friend. But your friend is not innocent in this. She could (and bloody should) have insisted he give you a seat, baby on his lap if he wanted to sit so badly- and the leaving you to get on the bus without a word is the nail in the coffin for me. Personally I'd be taking a humongous step back from her. I don't care if she's easily led by her husband, she needs to have a sense of loyalty and decency.

I hope you've slept well and you and dd are feeling a little better today. Did your lost bag get found?

Mumof56 · 28/08/2017 09:22

All this hate and anger because a man wouldn't help you.

Why doesn't your husband arrange his holidays so have doesn't have to dash off to a conference and can help you with the journey?

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2017 09:54

All this hate and anger because a man wouldn't help you.

No, I think it's anger because a friend wouldn't help her and treated her like a stranger. Not because of his sex. Plus - in fairness to the OP's DH, he probably thought that his arrangements were okay because the OP and their child were with friends who would help her. I suspect he won't make the same mistake again.

You may disagree, but I think if you go out (and particularly if you go on holiday) as a group, then you behave as a group in the sense that you all look out for each other. In the same way that, say, you wouldn't just get up and make yourself a coffee without asking if anyone else wanted one. Because it's courteous- and friendly - to do so.

Plus, as I said upthread, coming at it from a different perspective, I've been completely taken aback by the sheer amount of unsolicited help and consideration I've been offered/shown on public transport this summer, and that's travelling around with much older DC than the OP has. So I suspect I'm not the only person who thinks it's a bit off to leave a friend (someone with whom you are on sufficiently good terms to share a large portion of your holiday time) to struggle with a baby.

Original poster
doricgirl · 28/08/2017 10:21

I think the burned out point could make sense but the biggest thing to me was like others have said just not being courteous- not waiting for me as we were walking and then the bus. I'm more than capable and happy to travel alone with DD so no issue there - it actually just made it more stressful chasing others and looking for them.

Am not angry or hating just upset at being treated like me and my DD are an inconvenience by someone I thought was a friend.

And yes the strangers sitting next to me on the flights were more helpful!

I really want to preserve my friendship and be there for my friend so no idea how or if to even broach it.

Slept well and nice sunny day here so onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
FiveStarService · 28/08/2017 10:22

Well, leaving you alone at the Airport without even telling you they were going Shock That is appalling behaviour. I'd be glad you are home now and won't have to see much of him again.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 28/08/2017 10:41

I can understand why you're upset but I can also see it from his pov: he definitely sounds as if he was not into this holiday and was focusing on his child as a way of shielding himself from it all a bit. And you both only have one child: he might perfectly reasonably have been assuming that you were capable of sorting yourself out.

I think by the time you got to the airport, he was just so desperate to get home that he didn't really care how it looked!

I don't mind holidaying with others for a long weekend or whatever, but basically, I only really relax completely when on holiday with just DH and DS. It may be the same for him.

Original poster
doricgirl · 28/08/2017 12:52

Fair point lesson learned! Maybe he just didn't want to be there - certainly felt like it so will check with both parties separately before trying anything like this again.

OP posts:
5rivers7hills · 28/08/2017 13:33

He's a selfish idiot. Surely with friends who you know well enough to go on holiday with you help each other out?

My friend met me at the airport last week, offered to carry a bag. It's just what friends do. Share the load.

5rivers7hills · 28/08/2017 13:35

I'd meet up with your friend on your own and ask if everything was ok with her husband on holiday because you were getting some vibes from him that he really didn't like you.

Urubu · 28/08/2017 13:46

Why are you directing your anger at the DH only? Your friend didn't wait for you either? She didn't say anything when her child was sat in a seat and you were standing?

Original poster
doricgirl · 28/08/2017 14:38

Good question about my friend.

I suppose it's a few things - on the train she did ask if I needed help but as DD is sowriggly I wanted to wait till things had settled. My friend has a pain condition and had tweaked her back on the way to the train so she spent the rest of the journey bent double trying to ride that out so didn't see the seat stuff.

She also helped loads with DD intheairport playing with her etc.

She has apologised for leaving me - I told her I was upset, but I have seen her husband overrule/makethe final decision a lot so it makes me wonder what happens when she doesn't just agree to his plan or if she even realised it?

Plus she's my closest friend here which I don't want to lose and if her relationship is not what I thought I want to be around for her and her DS- I was annoyed with her too but her husband was on another level.

I will ask her if he had an issue with me and/or dh as well

OP posts:
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