To not be able to forgive my brother for not coming to my wedding

[SadLittleSister]

NC because this is hella outing. It's a long one I'm afraid, don't want to drip feed.

Back story - my DB and DM have been NC for several years. Nothing at all to do with me and I've done my best to stay neutral and keep out of it- neither of them have showered themselves in glory though, and he also doesn't speak to anyone on her side of the family. They both have MH issues- he's bipolar, has overdosed and cut himself on several occasions, is on some pretty hardcore meds and has a serious drinking problem. She has severe anxiety depression, is also on a shitload of meds and pretty much never leaves her flat. For what it's worth, I also have depression and am on antidepressants myself.

My Dad died of cancer almost 3 years ago. He and my DM divorced when I was very young but they were civil to each other, in touch via text and she came with me when I went to see him once. He even spoke to my DB for her to try and get him to bury the hatchet a few times, to no avail.

I haven't seen my DB since the day of my Dad's funeral. We live a fair distance apart (I'm in London, he's in Cheshire) he's never invited me to go and visit him (we can't invite him here as we have a 1 bed flat and he has 4 DC) and the one time he's been down here to visit family I was away at a festival. I pretty much never hear from him - I send cards and gifts for all his DC's birthdays (including the nephew I've never seen) and at Christmas, but on my 30th bday all I got from him was a text message (I could go on about the huge effort I made for his 30th but if I start down that road this post will be twice as long) and a facebook comment when I got engaged.

DH and I sent out our save the dates last year, and in January I txt him and asked if he was planning to come. His response was "To be honest I don't think I can. I know all of Mum's side will be there who have never really seen eye to eye with me (this isn't strictly true- when he first developed a drinking problem my DM's sister offered to pay for him to learn to drive if he sought help, and has tried to reach out to him on DM's behalf a few times, but there's no animosity from them towards him) "I will never ever speak to Mum again after that comment about XXXXXX (his eldest DD- my Mum made a very thoughtless comment to DB's ex about her weight) "I honestly would have been proud to give you away but I can't make myself ill with the worry. Maybe if Mum hadn't come out with the comment about XXXXXX I'd have come, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. What would you like me to do?? Xx. I do love you, you are my sister xx"

I told him I thought it was a shame and I'd been hoping his DDs would be my flower girls, but I would never make him come if he didn't want to.

That was the last we spoke of it until he txt me in April asking if we'd done our table plans yet. I said we hadn't, and he said "I would like to come. For you nobody else just me and GF no kids. Xox"

It turned out my Aunt (Dad's sister) had talked him into it, saying he'd regret it if he didn't come. I felt a bit wounded at the fact that he basically had to be browbeaten into changing his mind, but I was thrilled he would be coming.

Fast forward to 12 days before the wedding. I txt him asking if he fancied a wedding task- I was planning to ask him if he would sign the register/marriage certficates as my witness. He replied "I don't know. I don't have the money to come down and me and GF have split up." It turned out they'd broken up about 6 weeks before but had kept it quiet as they have 2 of his 4 DC together and were trying to deal with it as smoothly as possible for them. Fair enough. He said the reason he had no money was because he'd changed jobs and hadn't been paid by the new job yet. I couldn't afford to lend him any money myself but said that if we spoke to some of the family they'd be sure to help him out like they always do. He didn't respond, and I didn't hear from him any more about it.

Needless to say, he didn't come. On the day my Aunt (the one who got him to change his mind the first time) told me how disappointed she was that he wasn't there. I told her what he'd said to me about not having the money etc, and she said she'd given him the money to come down (as I suspected she might) but in the end, it was his issue with my DM that kept him away. He sent me a text message on the morning of the wedding, and we got a card in the post two weeks later.

I wasn't that surprised at the time and blithely accepted it, but as time has gone on it's upset me more and more. Since our Dad died, aside from my DH he is supposed to be the closest man in my life, and yet everything indicates that actually he doesn't give a shit about me. I never get any thanks or even acknowledgement when I send gifts for his kids, I don't hear from him on my birthday or at Christmas and I'm hurt and angry that he couldn't put his shit with our DM aside for 11 hours on my wedding day for my sake. It's not like they'd have been thrown together- there were 120 other people there and my Dad's side of the family is more than twice as many people as my DM's, so he'd have had a more than adequate buffer. My DM was equally as worried and apprehensive about seeing him, but had accepted it and was prepared to be civil and give him a wide berth for my sake. He hasn't actually apologised for it, to be honest I don't think it's even occurred to him that it might have upset me.

I love him but I feel so hurt and angry and let down, and I don't know how to get past it.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him about the lack of effort and lack of thanks and that it hurts and makes you sad. You can't let it fester.

Forgive him, talk to him and then move on with your own life. You don't want to carry anger around in you. It's not healthy for you.

YANBU to be upset. It sounds really disappointing for you and anyone would feel let down and a bit angry.

However, given his MH issues he might have a bit of paranoia and might find it difficult to let go of old hurts and real or perceived slights. Our brains and thoughts and feelings can often be our own worst enemies. You don't know that he doesn't love you - you are judging him against your own standards and behaviours.

Is there a chance that you've not told him very clearly and objectively (as much as possible) that you were extremely hurt by his decision not to come, that you had to keep prodding him which made you feel he wasn't interested, that without your DF it was so important to you that he be the bigger person and come just for you? It might upset him so the conversation would need to be handled carefully.

Otherwise, tbf, what are your options? Go NC with him completely and lose him from your life? Continue as things are and let hurts fester? Go in with guns blazing and have it out with someone you know is already unstable and who will probably respond extremely poorly? Not great alternatives.

Good luck.

SadLittleSister I am so sorry this has happened and made you so sad.

Do you know what lept out at me from your post?

"For what it's worth, I also have depression and am on antidepressants myself."

In your shoes I would 100% concentrate on myself, my own mental health, and on my new life with my new husband.

I would sit down and write to my brother and tell him how I felt about the way he had treated me on my wedding day. Taking money from a relative to attend and then not coming. Holding a grudge against your mum because of a thoughtless comment and allowing this to stop him attending your wedding. All really juvenile, stupid stuff.

But I honestly think he has bigger, worse, fish to fry! Mental health issues, hardcore meds, serious drinking problem, four kids, a newly broken relationship with his partner and his mum. He simply cannot be the big brother you want him to be.

I would, personally, count my lucky stars he is so far away geographically and is not involving you in the drama and mess. IF he is able to sort his life out, he may one day be able to fulfill the image of a big brother you would love and perhaps expect from him. But in the meantime I would concentrate on getting myself fully well. Support your mum as much as you feel able to, if you feel able to, and concentrate on making your own life a success.

And the letter? Send it, don't send it, burn it, submerge it water and let the water wash all the sad and bitter words down the drain, your choice.

If you can get some counselling for the depression, please do. Please move on. Your brother either cannot be there for you, or chooses not to be, (I personally think he is not presently capable of it - it is like expecting a toddler to do complex maths, he just can't prioritize your feelings with all that is going on in his life).

You are not wrong to want this realtionship to work, but in your shoes I woudl want to move on. Make sure you have grieved sufficiently for your dad, make sure you have worked through all these issues and then, just live your life the best you can.

But do, please, get counselling for the depression. Your counsellor may be better able to advise you how to move on from this.

Sounds like his intentions were good but then he just couldn't do it when it came to it.
He is different from you and you'll either accept that or continue to get upset and probably lose touch with him over behaviour which for him seems pretty standard.

I understand that you are very hurt, but I think you should try to be more compassionate. Your brother sounds very emotionally troubled, and it doesn't appear that he has the mental wherewithal to get beyond his own issues.

If you don't forgive, your family gets more divided than it is, but I fully understand how hurt you are about it. You have every reason to feel the way you do.

I would have expected a more profuse apology from him and I would have thought he could put aside his feelings for your mum aside for your special day.

Unfortunately, he wasn't able to and adding a recent break up to the mix, it was probably more than he could handle without going over the edge.

It's not that I lack empathy for his situation. I've been nothing but understanding in spite of that fact that I've been the one caught between the two of them for over 6 years now. I've never, ever asked him to put himself out for me, I've ever complained about the clear lack of reciprocity in our relationship. I didn't tell him how I felt because I didn't want to think that he was only going to be coming because I emotionally blackmailed him into it; I wanted to be important enough for him to put his own feelings aside, for one day. But I just wasn't, and I never will be.

I think the problem is with situations like this, the longer time goes on the harder it gets to make amends . I bet if they had been in the same room together they would've made up and they would both eventually say how they had always wanted to make up but they didn't know how to .

Perhaps write to your brother , tell him how much you missed him . He's probably having a hard time atm if he's split from his missus. Offer a shoulder if he needs you and then get on with your life. If he wants you he knows where to find you .

I know where you are! I'm in the same boat. My brother didn't come to my wedding either. He was meant to (and his girlfriend and four kids) but never turned up at the registry office. We even held the ceremony for ten minutes in case they did. An hour later when we were back at home having photos he rang to say he'd broken down and that was why he hadn't come (he lives 15 mins away on a bus route). I snapped at him and put the phone down (my hair style had fallen out and I was stressed about the photos) and that was it, they didn't turn up for the meal, the evening do, send a card or anything. There were only 25 people at the meal, so we ended up grabbing my mum's best friend and my dad's best friend and partner to make up numbers (they were happy to, even if it felt a bit rude). In the end I think the whole day was probably less stressful because he wasn't there to cause it. It's just one in a million times that he's let me down or not shown he cares (perhaps he doesn't). I've never talked to him about it or told him how I felt because he'd just turn it into being about him and how hurt he is about things. He can only see things one way, never the effect he has on things, just what he feels has been done to him.

It's sad. I don't know what the way forward is. I just wanted to say that I understand.

It's understandable you're upset and feel you're not important to him.

However you say he has serious mental health problems - maybe the stress of a family gathering could be one of his triggers for relapse, and he recognizes that and just couldn't do it?

Also, on here when an OP wants to go low or no contact with a family member everyone tells them to watch out for the flying monkeys - maybe that's how he saw your aunt's role. People are often told to avoid family gatherings if the person they wish to avoid will be there. That doesn't change what happened or how you feel, but it may not be as simple as him not caring enough to attend.

I wouldn't dwell on it as it's just going to make your own depression worse. Why are you focussing on the one person that wasn't there instead of the 120 who were there to share in your happy day? You'd be better off accepting him for who he is - a really shitty brother, having no expectations, not bothering with him much and celebrating the great relationships in your life that you do have.

His life sounds very stressful and full on. He has to deal with his own serious mental health difficulties, 2 exes, 4 kids, money problems, family problems - the tone and content of his texts imply that he values you. Personally, I'd probably accept that as enough and I would forgive him. Ok he couldn't put his issues aside for a day for your wedding. But that's probably because he struggles too much with them.

Can I ask if there would be anything from stopping you visiting him and seeing his kids (particularly the one you haven't met)? Rather than inviting yourself to his house, you could stay in a B&B and meet up with him at a cafe or something. From the sounds of the rest of his life, his home may be chaotic/he may have worres and hosting could be too much for him.

Forgive and move on - you put him in the difficult position as you knew he would struggle with seeing those folks at the wedding - you should have just accepted what he said first time round and left it at that. Its a day that is important to you but would have been an utter nightmare for him that even with help sounds like he could ill afford. If you love him let it go

I understand why you were very upset but i agree with others that he sounds in a mess and it was simply too much for him. Please don't fall out with him over this.

He's been putting me in a difficult position for 6 years, forcing me in the middle of him and my DM, leaving me completely alone with nobody to help me look after her every time she has a breakdown, no backup to deal with the burden of constantly being there for her. I can't have a Christmas apart from her, I can never move too far away, I have nobody else to back me up.

I have money problems, I have MH problems, and just general health problems, but there is nothing that would stop me from being there for him on such an important day. Certainly not some petty grudge against a relative. I really thought that as Dad couldn't be there for the day that he would make the effort. All he had to do was ignore 9 people for 11 hours. And he couldn't do it.

Forgive him. He's got serious MH and other problems, and on the day he couldn't do it.

I understand that you are very upset OP, but spending 11 hours with people you have seriously fallen out with is not a trivial matter. That's a very long day. It sounds as if he would have liked (at least in theory) to have been there, but felt he couldn't do it, and then got pressured into it by your aunt. Without the support of his girlfriend he then bottled it, and used money as an excuse.

Your brother is under no obligation to step into your fathers shoes. I understand why you'd like him to, but it's an unreasonable expectation to put on him, and it doesn't sound like he will ever be the person you want or take the role in your life that you crave. He may well be too needy for support himself to offer any to you.

With the greatest of respects OP I think YABVU. You can't force your brother to fit your wants and needs, especially when he has his own, seemingly very serious issues to deal with and prioritise.

I didn't want to think that he was only going to be coming because I emotionally blackmailed him into it; I wanted to be important enough for him to put his own feelings aside, for one day.

But you can't have it both ways - you wanted him to be emotionally manipulated into coming because you wanted to feel special. You didn't care about his MH or his wishes, only how important he should think you and your wedding should be to him. You can't just "put your feelings to one side" when it comes to MH issues, no matter how much your sister wants you to be there on her special day.

Your brother has no obligation to anyone but himself and his DC, you have no right to demand he takes up a specific role just because he's the "man of the family" now your father has passed. He is not your father and has no obligation to take over that role and you cannot blame him for not reciprocating a relationship when he has made it clear that he has other priorities.

You can't send presents for the kids, send cards at Christmas etc and then feel annoyed at the fact that he doesn't reciprocate when he didn't ask for it in the first place and has made it clear that he has no intention of reciprocating. If you want to send things to his DC then do so on the understanding it will not be reciprocated, if that is an issue for you then feel free to stop.

He's been putting me in a difficult position for 6 years, forcing me in the middle of him and my DM, leaving me completely alone with nobody to help me look after her every time she has a breakdown, no backup to deal with the burden of constantly being there for her. I can't have a Christmas apart from her, I can never move too far away, I have nobody else to back me up.

With the greatest of respect, your brother has not forced you to do any of these things. You have chosen to support your mother, he has chosen to go NC - for good reason (his own MH and his issues with her behaviour/comments about his child). If you choose to see that as him "leaving you to deal with her" then that is your choice, but you have the same choice he did, to either support your mother with her MH issues or take a step back and un-involve yourself.

All he had to do was ignore 9 people for 11 hours. And he couldn't do it.

9 people is a lot of people and 11 hours is a long time at a family event where you are stuck in the same church/room for 11 hours with very little (or possibly) no way to just walk away/leave when confronted by someone you don't want to talk to but who wants to make a scene?

You expected him to put his issues to one side because of your wants ... that's not how MH issues work and you are being very dismissive of his issues because they don't suit your demands. I have severe anxiety & depression and have been on medication & in therapies for it since my teens. I have missed many important events over the years because whilst I wanted so very badly to be there, my MH at the time wasn't stable enough for me to overcome my anxiety and depression and go.

YABU. I agree 100% with Melj on all points.

I also think you should forgive and forget. For whatever reason, he didn't feel able to come to your wedding. Maybe due to anxiety, or didn't want the possibility of bad feeling to ruin your day. Maybe due to his recent break-up he couldn't play happy families.

Regarding presents, communicating etc some men are just bad are that. I would never hear from my dbs if I don't phone first. It's not personnel, it's just how they are.

So, he has serious mental health problems, a drink problem AND his relationship broke down just before your wedding and you can't see why he felt like it was best he didn't come?

I think you need to forgive too. Like others have said, a day having to avoid people especially when you have serious mental health issues sounds awful. My brother and mum sound like yours (brother bipolar/psychotic and mum depression/anxiety/agorophobia) and extra allowances have to be made because of their problems. Just concentrate on your own little family that you've made instead of asking things of people who can't give it. That's how I stay happy and sane anyway!

Plus a text message on your birthday and fb message on your engagement sound fine! It's still well wishing no matter the form it takes. You're expecting people to make the same effort as you have chosen to.. that's the way to constant disappointment.

Well, thanks Melj for making me sound like a selfish bitch.

you wanted him to be emotionally manipulated into coming because you wanted to feel special. You didn't care about his MH or his wishes, only how important he should think you and your wedding should be to him.

How can you say I don't care?! Of course I care about him. But yes, I wanted his little sister to be important to him. I don't think that's such a tall order.

you have no right to demand he takes up a specific role just because he's the "man of the family" now your father has passed.

What an absurdly insensitive comment. I have made no such demand on him. I haven't seen him for nearly 3 years, so how could
I?? I wasn't even going to ask him to give me away and never intended to- he made that assumption by himself.

You can't send presents for the kids, send cards at Christmas etc and then feel annoyed at the fact that he doesn't reciprocate when he didn't ask for it in the first place and has made it clear that he has no intention of reciprocating

I sent a present to a niece 2 days late once and he gave me absolute shit for it. I don't think at least a "thank you" is too much to ask for making the effort.

you have the same choice he did, to either support your mother with her MH issues or take a step back and un-involve yourself.

And leave her to deal with all her issues completely alone? What kind of daughter would I be if I did that?

You expected him to put his issues to one side because of your wants ... that's not how MH issues work and you are being very dismissive of his issues because they don't suit your demands.

As I said, I've made no demands on him. I didn't expect anything. I've learned not to over the years. I'm certainly not dismissive of his issues, they're the reason I'm effectively an only child for half my family, and having depression myself I'm very well aware how how it works. But I did hope that he'd be able to show up, even if only for the wedding itself.

I'm gonna back away from this thread now. I have MH issues myself and thanks to Melj's response I feel even more like shit now than I did before. To the rest, thanks for understanding.

What she points out is that you have unreasonable expectations of your brother.

Your expectations are displaced - you need to sort out how you feel about your mother.