NC because this is hella outing. It's a long one I'm afraid, don't want to drip feed.
Back story - my DB and DM have been NC for several years. Nothing at all to do with me and I've done my best to stay neutral and keep out of it- neither of them have showered themselves in glory though, and he also doesn't speak to anyone on her side of the family. They both have MH issues- he's bipolar, has overdosed and cut himself on several occasions, is on some pretty hardcore meds and has a serious drinking problem. She has severe anxiety depression, is also on a shitload of meds and pretty much never leaves her flat. For what it's worth, I also have depression and am on antidepressants myself.
My Dad died of cancer almost 3 years ago. He and my DM divorced when I was very young but they were civil to each other, in touch via text and she came with me when I went to see him once. He even spoke to my DB for her to try and get him to bury the hatchet a few times, to no avail.
I haven't seen my DB since the day of my Dad's funeral. We live a fair distance apart (I'm in London, he's in Cheshire) he's never invited me to go and visit him (we can't invite him here as we have a 1 bed flat and he has 4 DC) and the one time he's been down here to visit family I was away at a festival. I pretty much never hear from him - I send cards and gifts for all his DC's birthdays (including the nephew I've never seen) and at Christmas, but on my 30th bday all I got from him was a text message (I could go on about the huge effort I made for his 30th but if I start down that road this post will be twice as long) and a facebook comment when I got engaged.
DH and I sent out our save the dates last year, and in January I txt him and asked if he was planning to come. His response was "To be honest I don't think I can. I know all of Mum's side will be there who have never really seen eye to eye with me (this isn't strictly true- when he first developed a drinking problem my DM's sister offered to pay for him to learn to drive if he sought help, and has tried to reach out to him on DM's behalf a few times, but there's no animosity from them towards him) "I will never ever speak to Mum again after that comment about XXXXXX (his eldest DD- my Mum made a very thoughtless comment to DB's ex about her weight) "I honestly would have been proud to give you away but I can't make myself ill with the worry. Maybe if Mum hadn't come out with the comment about XXXXXX I'd have come, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. What would you like me to do?? Xx. I do love you, you are my sister xx"
I told him I thought it was a shame and I'd been hoping his DDs would be my flower girls, but I would never make him come if he didn't want to.
That was the last we spoke of it until he txt me in April asking if we'd done our table plans yet. I said we hadn't, and he said "I would like to come. For you nobody else just me and GF no kids. Xox"
It turned out my Aunt (Dad's sister) had talked him into it, saying he'd regret it if he didn't come. I felt a bit wounded at the fact that he basically had to be browbeaten into changing his mind, but I was thrilled he would be coming.
Fast forward to 12 days before the wedding. I txt him asking if he fancied a wedding task- I was planning to ask him if he would sign the register/marriage certficates as my witness. He replied "I don't know. I don't have the money to come down and me and GF have split up." It turned out they'd broken up about 6 weeks before but had kept it quiet as they have 2 of his 4 DC together and were trying to deal with it as smoothly as possible for them. Fair enough. He said the reason he had no money was because he'd changed jobs and hadn't been paid by the new job yet. I couldn't afford to lend him any money myself but said that if we spoke to some of the family they'd be sure to help him out like they always do. He didn't respond, and I didn't hear from him any more about it.
Needless to say, he didn't come. On the day my Aunt (the one who got him to change his mind the first time) told me how disappointed she was that he wasn't there. I told her what he'd said to me about not having the money etc, and she said she'd given him the money to come down (as I suspected she might) but in the end, it was his issue with my DM that kept him away. He sent me a text message on the morning of the wedding, and we got a card in the post two weeks later.
I wasn't that surprised at the time and blithely accepted it, but as time has gone on it's upset me more and more. Since our Dad died, aside from my DH he is supposed to be the closest man in my life, and yet everything indicates that actually he doesn't give a shit about me. I never get any thanks or even acknowledgement when I send gifts for his kids, I don't hear from him on my birthday or at Christmas and I'm hurt and angry that he couldn't put his shit with our DM aside for 11 hours on my wedding day for my sake. It's not like they'd have been thrown together- there were 120 other people there and my Dad's side of the family is more than twice as many people as my DM's, so he'd have had a more than adequate buffer. My DM was equally as worried and apprehensive about seeing him, but had accepted it and was prepared to be civil and give him a wide berth for my sake. He hasn't actually apologised for it, to be honest I don't think it's even occurred to him that it might have upset me.
I love him but I feel so hurt and angry and let down, and I don't know how to get past it.