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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think our friendship has come to an end.

46 replies

MommaOne · 26/08/2017 20:26

Went to see a good friend today. We were chatting and I mentioned that I might have an impromptu bbq tomorrow as the weather is looking great. She then said her DS was having a bbq the next day so she won't be able to come. Her DS is one of my bfs, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I was surprised and tbh a bit miffed she didn't tell me about the bbq cos I'd spoken to her this morning about trying to organise a get together with some of our friends.

i know it's her party and she can invite anyone she's want but I feel like she's been excluding me from events since my husband and I split up. In fact she didn't even call me to see how I was doing until 4 months after we split up even though she knew about it. We'd talk but she would pretend as if she didn't know about it.

Anyways I texted her that I heard she was having a get together and she didnt even bother to tell me about it and that hope she has a great time. A few minutes later my friends phone rings and it was her DS. She was screaming down the phone at her that why did she mention it to me. That if she wanted to invite me she would have done it herself. That it was her mess to clean up. I was sitting next to her and could hear how upset she was. My friend couldn't say anything as I was next to her and it was very awkward.

I felt really bad that I'd put my friend in an awkward position with her DS. But at the same time I feel like this confirms that I wasn't being paranoid that she was leaving me out of events. I still fell quite upset and I feel like maybe it's time for our friendship to end.

AIBU to be upset that I wasn't invited?

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 26/08/2017 20:28

Not being unreasonable at all. Just fade her out - she's clearly doing that to you anyway. Her attitude sucks by the way.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2017 20:30

It's very sad when friendships end, but they do and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason for it. Just let her go her own way and you do the same.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2017 20:34

I think she was fading you out, and your non invite to her BBq was the beginning of the end. Just leave it and move on.

Anecdoche · 26/08/2017 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeadGood · 26/08/2017 20:37

I'm sorry, OP. You know what you have to do, but it must hurt a lot.

SkylarFalls · 26/08/2017 20:38

Wow you went in fast and hard and dry! do you know what kind of BBQ it was? perhaps it was family only so you werent actually excluded, or a small affair with 2/3 couples. Why did you assume she had invited everyone she knows but you? Not every event has to be a massive do where you invite everyone you don't hate you know!

questsabelletreetop · 26/08/2017 20:40

Why did you and your ex split up? He wasn't having an affair was he?

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/08/2017 20:43

I would have assumed it was a family bbq....

Spam88 · 26/08/2017 20:46

I'm with skylar...

KC225 · 26/08/2017 20:46

I thought the same as the above your ex is going or she is jealous and one of those who thinks you will be after her DH as that what newly single women do.

You know now she is no longer a friend

SonicBoomBoom · 26/08/2017 20:46

She doesn't have to invite you to everything, you know.

But I suspect your ex is on the guest list.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2017 20:47

I'd also have assumed family BBQ. I'm also guessing ds is sister in this scenario? Is she married, could your husband be going, as in he is friends with her husband?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 26/08/2017 20:49

I know it's hurtful but, anybody is entitled to have whatever social event they want and to invite whoever they want. No one has any entitlement to be at any of these social events despite who they are hosted by; friend or relative. As a rule of thumb, understanding this can be helpful going forwards. Friendships come and go - enemies accumulate.

Original poster

MommaOne · 26/08/2017 20:52

It wasn't a family affair. I asked her DS who else was going and she'd invited some other friends as well. Even if itd been a family affair I just find it odd that she didn't mention it when we spoke earlier.

Anecdoche - It occurred to me that my ex might be there too but they weren't even cordial when we were together so it'll be unlikely. Ex was a big doche but not cheating.

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/08/2017 20:55

If you are the sort of person to send an arsey text when you're not invited to something, I'm pretty sure she was entirely justified in defending her decision.

unfortunateevents · 26/08/2017 20:56

You all sound like teenagers. She doesn't have to invite all her friends to every social occasion. Your text to her was unnecessary - as was her screaming phone call to her sister.

SkylarFalls · 26/08/2017 20:57

dya never fancy a low key gathering yourself OP?

I rarely have all of my friends round my house all together at the same time! Big parties are fun but I wouldn't want to host them too often! IMO you don't get to join in and chat/relax if you host more than about 8ish at a time!

But! if your friend didn't have an issue with you, they will now! I couldn't be doing with someone too needy to allow me to see other friends without them!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2017 20:57

In the run up to the BBQ, it was obvious she was fading you out.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 26/08/2017 21:03

So you sent the berating text to your friend's DS whilst you were sitting there with your friend who had just told you?

Did your friend know that at the time?

A bit odd. You should have given yourself time to cool down.

NicolasFlamel · 26/08/2017 21:06

Yes I think it's obvious she's fading you out.
I don't understand people who send snarky texts if they're not invited to something. You dont have to be invited to everything.
It seems like you've been getting vibes from her for a while so I'd let it go.

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 21:12

Of course she doesn't have to invite the OP, but I agree it is odd, in addition to her seeming to freeze her out in the months prior to this. But what really strikes me as odd was the friend berating her DS for even mentioning it to the OP. As she's friends with both of them why wouldn't she mention it to her? She hadn't invited her, she'd just told her about it.

What I have seen with break-ups is that friends seem to automatically take sides and put themselves in one of the two camps. Is it possible that the two sisters have taken opposing sides and hence the angry phone call? It does seem as if you were all still in the playground, tbh.

pictish · 26/08/2017 21:16

Is DS dear sister? Just for clarification please.

HashiAsLarry · 26/08/2017 21:18

Is it possible your ex is now with another one of her friends, who is invited to the BBQ now?

Gorgosparta · 26/08/2017 21:20

I think you were out of order to send that message, especially when you did.

It will probably damage the relationship with the friend caught in the middle.

e1y1 · 26/08/2017 21:20

i bet you my last penny that your ex is going

Totally agree with this, IME when "friends" start excluding you from stuff after a split is because said "friends" have maintained a friendship with your ex.

There has to be a reason she is so upset about you even finding out about the event, you haven't done anything to her. Add that to the fact it took her 4 MONTHS to contact you after the split.

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