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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think our friendship has come to an end.

46 replies

MommaOne · 26/08/2017 20:26

Went to see a good friend today. We were chatting and I mentioned that I might have an impromptu bbq tomorrow as the weather is looking great. She then said her DS was having a bbq the next day so she won't be able to come. Her DS is one of my bfs, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I was surprised and tbh a bit miffed she didn't tell me about the bbq cos I'd spoken to her this morning about trying to organise a get together with some of our friends.

i know it's her party and she can invite anyone she's want but I feel like she's been excluding me from events since my husband and I split up. In fact she didn't even call me to see how I was doing until 4 months after we split up even though she knew about it. We'd talk but she would pretend as if she didn't know about it.

Anyways I texted her that I heard she was having a get together and she didnt even bother to tell me about it and that hope she has a great time. A few minutes later my friends phone rings and it was her DS. She was screaming down the phone at her that why did she mention it to me. That if she wanted to invite me she would have done it herself. That it was her mess to clean up. I was sitting next to her and could hear how upset she was. My friend couldn't say anything as I was next to her and it was very awkward.

I felt really bad that I'd put my friend in an awkward position with her DS. But at the same time I feel like this confirms that I wasn't being paranoid that she was leaving me out of events. I still fell quite upset and I feel like maybe it's time for our friendship to end.

AIBU to be upset that I wasn't invited?

OP posts:

ALittleMop · 26/08/2017 21:20

YANBU to be upset not to be invited
YABU to have text her when you were sitting with her sister, causing her bother, and no doubt, putting your friendship with her at risk too
Did you not think to ask the sister if there was a reason for being left out?

Venusflytwat · 26/08/2017 21:23

You sound bonkers. If you're not careful you'll lose both friendships.

e1y1 · 26/08/2017 21:23

Sorry didn't answer your BU.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Start fading her out, if she tries to re-establish contact/friendship, tell her where to go. You have heard straight from her mouth that she didn't want you at this event, for whatever reason (none would really be good enough unless you had done something to offend her).

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 21:25

I think the OP was bruised by the friend's behaviour and that's why she reacted like that. And she's struggling with the break-up of her relationship. We've always done things we regret in the heat of the moment, she's clearly embarrassed at the position her friend was put in.

You should apologise to your friend, OP, it was a difficult situation you put her in. I think the friendship has ended with her DS, though, sadly.

Mumof56 · 26/08/2017 21:25

I texted her that I heard she was having a get together and she didnt even bother to tell me about it and that hope she has a great time

YABU sending this text

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 21:27

Do you think your ex has been bad mouthing you to your friend and she's believed his version of events?

Gemini69 · 26/08/2017 21:35

Damn OP... your way better off without this harpy ...

walk away... do not look back

Beadieeye · 26/08/2017 21:38

I think you were unreasonable, sorry.
I'm unsure about which friendship you were asking about but if you end a friendship over not being invited to someone's sister's BBQ then I don't think either of you will be missing out by going your separate ways.

Summerswallow · 26/08/2017 21:42

It is not in any way reasonable to question people on why they haven't invite you to a social event, under pretty much any circumstances. Sometimes they might invite a couple of people, sometimes a crowd, not always the same ones, it's absolutely rude and I've never known anyone do it or question me, nor I them. I have lots of friends, they have other friends, they have parties/BBQs and events with me and without me, that is normal!

Sorry but you have made a mess and jeopardized friendships for nothing. If they are blanking you or ignoring you more generally that's another issue, but you don't have a right to attend someone's event the next day and it's really unpleasant to send passive aggressive texts suggesting as if you do!

Gemini69 · 26/08/2017 21:43

Beadieeye

OP has not been invited to several friends gatherings.. this incident has merely clarified what she suspected.. She is being deliberately excluded x

Original poster

MommaOne · 26/08/2017 21:46

I agree in retrospect I shouldn't have sent her the text especially when I was still at her sisters. I did feel quite bad about it and apologises to her. I don't think I'm a needy person and definitely don't need to be invited to every event. It was the level of secrecy that bothered me and the fact that everyone in our social circle was invited and I wasn't. Added to past events I just got upset. We are a tight-knit group of friends and quite open with each other. Her sister was also quite surprised that I wasn't aware and thought she's forgotten to mention it to me.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 26/08/2017 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerswallow · 26/08/2017 22:02

Fair enough if you are a very tight knit group who are always the same crowd who are now leaving you out, that said, it sounds like you and the sister were less close now for whatever reason, could be the breakup or could be that you are just not all as close as you once were- you can't keep inviting the same group over for decades, things do shift. I'd chat to your friend and say you are sorry you sent the text, you were just feeling oversensitive about being left out and hope not too much damage is done. The sister- sounds like that one was kind of over as a friendship anyway.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2017 22:13

You have every right to be hurt, especially as all your friendship group were invited, and not you, that sucks. Tgat probably confirms what you have been seeing, she's been phasing you out. I would have sent that text, but not in front of her sister. I woukd probably said: I heard your having a BBQ tomorrow with our friends, I am saddened I wasent invited. But then again I am not surprised as I get the impression you are fading our friendship out. Hope you have a nice time. Leave it at that.

Maelstrop · 26/08/2017 22:28

Why on Earth did you tell her you knew? She's entitled to ask who she wants and not you if she chooses. You've dug a hole, you fell in. A shame, but you forced her into a corner there when she was trying to fade you out.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2017 22:43

I guess you should have twigged earlier that she was trying to phase you out, her reaction to your text says it all really. Leave her, move on. Do you get on with anybody else in the friendship group, Mabey meet up with 1 or 2 of them instead. Just because she does not want to be your friend, does not mean you cannot see the others.

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 22:54

It's very hard when you get phased out and you don't know why, when you haven't fallen out. Now that her DS has seen it, it may be possible for you to ask her if you've offended her, or if she's been given a spin on things by your ex.

But you may never get a clear answer. It sucks, but it sounds like the sister is still your friend and I'm sure there are others in the group.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 29/08/2017 20:11

I got phased out once by a girl I was really close to - was really gutted. Didn't make a fuss - didn't react but was bewildered and confused. Eventually I over it and moved on with my life, just made new friends and became successful and happy. Then, suddenly, a few years later she started acting like we were still best friends. I was civil, pleasant, nice etc. but I just couldn't feel the same about her and, as much as I tried, couldn't quite recover enough feeling to be 'bezzies' again. Perfectly happy to meet up, no hard feelings etc. But just didn't feel 'the love' anymore. Had a load of new and special friends who mean the world to me now.
I suppose what I'm staying is tht this time will pass but how you behave will always be remembered - be dignified and try not to rise to provocation as in a little while she won't mean much to you and you will have moved on.

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/08/2017 20:23

why not text your ex and see if he's going to the bbq?

HiJenny35 · 29/08/2017 21:33

You shouldn't have sent that tx. She doesn't have to invite you and she clearly didn't want you there, her choice end of, all you've done is make it really difficult for the rest of the group as now they will feel like they can only have one or the other of you without causing an atmosphere. I really don't get why people feel like just because you were friends once this has to continue for ever and that tx was dreadfully childish.

Mittens1969 · 29/08/2017 21:48

And I suppose you've never done anything in haste that you've regretted when you've been feeling low, as the OP was as her marriage broke up not that long ago. I love the way keyboard warriors act all sanctimonious in response to threads like this, how exactly does it help anyone??

Sounds like the ex-friend was similarly out of order, laying into her sister like that.

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