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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I do??

34 replies

princesscallie · 26/08/2017 19:35

Okay I've posted before about this issue but now Im wondering what I should do. A year ago I caught a relatives son poking at my daughters private's and bum. He had told her to lie down on the bed and then took down her pants. I thought they were playing and went in to tell her we were going home and I caught him redhanded. I called his mam and showed/told her what was happening. I just scooped my daughter up and left. She rang me after a while and was very upset and I said I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but since then I have had no contact with her or her child.

Fast forward a year and I was at a family wedding. I was uncomfortable being there and in hindsight I shouldn't have gone. But I had too much to drink and have now been told I said something to her that upset her and her partner about their son. I've no memory of what I said (I know I shouldn't have gotten so drunk) but another relative has told me if I don't apologise for what I've said there will be no relationship between the children and I assume the adults again. I don't really mind about this as I would never feel comfortable leaving eithrr of my daughter's in the company of this child again. But I'm wondering aibu in thinking this way and should I apologise for what I said and still keep the children apart or just I just leave things as they are?

OP posts:
TippyTinkleTrousers · 26/08/2017 19:36

How old were the kids?

ArcheryAnnie · 26/08/2017 19:38

I'm less concerned at backtalk at a wedding, and more concerned at the home life of a boy who sexually assaults other children. Was there any follow-up from the original incident?

How old is the boy, and how old is your daughter?

TippyTinkleTrousers · 26/08/2017 19:41

The thing is, there IS a 'if I show you yours I'll show you mine' thing in childhood. It can be innocent.

But then again, it could be a sign of abuse.

Original poster
princesscallie · 26/08/2017 19:50

My daughter was 2 and the boy was 5 at the time of the incident so it definitely wasnt an ill show you mine if you show me yours.

Also my daughter had mentioned to me before this incident that he had been touching her bum but I didn't really listen to her. I'm sorry I didn't. My daughter had/has very good language for her age so she was able to explain to me what happened the first time. That incident happened in my sitting room while the adults were in the kitchen. I felt terrible that I had left her open to it happening again and didn't listen to her concerns the first time.

OP posts:
TippyTinkleTrousers · 26/08/2017 19:53

I really don't know how to advise you on this.
I wish I did.

Xchangedtohideid · 26/08/2017 19:57

Keep her away. End of. He has molested her, twice!

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/08/2017 19:58

I honestly don't understand why you didn't report to social services - a 5 year old behaving in that way is concerning simply because they may have been exposed to stuff they shouldn't be at that age. It really needed someone qualified to explore and address any issues. Both children have been poorly served here regardless of what happened at the wedding.

Peachyking000 · 26/08/2017 19:59

Honestly, I'd be less worried about the friendship, and more concerned about the welfare of her son. There is a fine line between natural curiosity about the body, and a child who is acting in a sexual way. I'd be worried he may have been exposed to sexual images or worse. Maybe ask NSPCC for advice

Mrscropley · 26/08/2017 20:00

I would contact Ss. .

ImDoingLaundry · 26/08/2017 20:01

It sounds really concerning that this boy did these things to your daughter, especially being so young himself.

I wouldn't bother apologising personally, if you have no reason to want to be in contact with them again.

But that's not really the big issue, is it? Isn't it more that this boy is seemingly acting in a sexual/predatory manner at five years old? And that your daughter was exposed to it? Did you mention it at all to anybody... GP/social services etc?

Out2pasture · 26/08/2017 20:07

I've been in a similar situation. Children aged 2-3; 3 yr old sat across my dd chest pinning down her arm. Pulled down her pants and stuffed her vagina and rectum with grass, twigs and rocks. A neighbor heard her yells and rescued her.
At the time I lived in a remote (boat access or helicopter) village of 375 people.
I called the police and social services and made no bones about my anger.
I didn't apologize nor did the other family.
Btw there was funky stuff going on in the boys home.
My anger runs deep.

Original poster
princesscallie · 26/08/2017 20:07

I mentioned it to a friend of mine who is a social worker. She told me to report it but more than likely nothing would be done about it but it would be on file if anyone made an allegation against him in future.

I suppose I didn't want to cause any more aggregation within the family. And I know realise that that was silly of me. Because if I heard he did it to someone else I'd feel terrible.

Thankfully my daughter dosent seem to remember it.

OP posts:
Original poster
princesscallie · 26/08/2017 20:09

Out2pasture I'm very sorry to hear that about your daughter. I hope she has fully recovered from it.

OP posts:
Redsippycup · 26/08/2017 20:10

I have no idea what i would do in your situation. I think i would want to know what i said - at least then you would know how out of order you were and if you are actually sorry iyswim.

I agree that i wouldn't want my child to have any further contact with him, so that 'threat' would be neither here nor there.

I would be worried about the little boy though - it doesn't sound normal at all, i would be concerned that he has experienced something he shouldn't have. But i wouldn't know how to approach that or who with.

notanotherNC · 26/08/2017 20:10

That is horrific. Future rapist in the making. I would have cut all contact and called ss.

Roseformeplease · 26/08/2017 20:11

I think you should report it. Not to get the boy in trouble, but to check that he is not being abused. This behaviour is indicative of child sexual abuse and he is at risk. Your DD is no longer at risk and has you to protect her. He might not.

Out2pasture · 26/08/2017 20:13

She was two, I cleaned her up. Phoned the dr. so the info was on file and NEVER uttered a word about it to her. It's been over 30 years.

Mrscropley · 26/08/2017 20:17

Please don't leave it. My friend's dd was abused the once by a neighbour's ds (she was 4, he was about 11) . Her solution was to keep quiet and move house!!

Original poster
princesscallie · 26/08/2017 20:18

There is a history of abuse within the family. I know as I myself was a victim of it. I was older than my daughter but I would never leave her in the company of someone who could possibly do it to her. My abuser is now deceased and I'm currently in counselling to deal with it. He's deceased over 10 years and it only really hit me when I seen what happened to my daughter that I had never dealt with my issues.

Also on the other side of this boys family there is other issues of sexual abuse. But the boy himself would never have been in contact with either of these men.

OP posts:
Redsippycup · 26/08/2017 20:18

Out2pasture I'm so sorry, your poor DD Flowers i don't know what else to say, I'm sorry Sad

Fuckit2017 · 26/08/2017 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretTwatyer · 26/08/2017 20:21

I think some of the comments on here about a 5 year old being a future rapist are really not on.

I think with a five year old it's far more likely to be the result of curiosity about girls having different bits rather than anything sexual and in his innocence about sex he probably doesn't understand why it's so wrong.

I think it's sad a five year old is being branded a sex attacker when he's clearly not old enough to be doing that.

Bluelonerose · 26/08/2017 20:22

Please don't do nothing. It is NOT the boys fault but he does clearly need help.
You don't know what's going on in his life but if he is behaving like that at 5 and noone stops him think what he will be like at 25?

NoodleNinja · 26/08/2017 20:24

Report it. It happened to one of my DC and I reported it but not much was done. I was told DC wouldn't remember it and to basically sweep it under the carpet.

12 years later DC tells me it is a very vivid memory and they have thought about it many times and had many feelings about it.

Please report it as your DD may struggle with this.

ArcheryAnnie · 26/08/2017 20:26

Someone upthread suggested calling the NSPCC for advice. I think that's a very sensible idea - they will know what if anything needs escalating, and what doesn't.

Their number is 0808 800 5000, and the helpline is open all the time, so you can call now if you want to.