To think 30's is TOO FUCKING LATE to start having a great life, from scratch?

[NoHopeNoHow]

It's all over really, isn't it?

I've done nothing. No career, no kids, can't even get through a postgraduate degree. All my life is or has been is sickness, dysfunctional family, depression, bullying, failing failing failing at everything. I try stuff and always fail BECAUSE I AM NO FUCKING GOOD.

Had such huge dreams of a career and having children. It's too late. There's just something wrong with me.

I hate everything about my life right now. I hate the endless trips to hospital for tests, hate talking to medical people, hate job hunting which is pointless because all jobs I can realistically aim for are little over min wage so will never allow me independence from the state aka housing benefit. I hate the disgusting shithole I live in with slugs in the kitchen cupboards and people taking my stuff and the creepy live in landlord.

Do you have a spare bedroom and if so could you foster?

That's an incredibly worthwhile career and having somebody else to focus on who really needed your help might be just what you need?

Don't compare yourself to other people who are perfectly healthy and/or have loads of support in their lives OP. I've been ill since my teens (late 30s now) and I'm struggling with postgrad study as well (on the third year of attending of a one-year course). But I have to focus on being well, and doing things at the right pace for me. If you're claiming PIP (like me) clearly your needs are very high.

I do have a child but without support as a single mum, so that's actually quite restricting for me as I can't do things like volunteering. At this stage I've realised that the best option for me is to focus on my health and family's needs and not push myself into a big career when I know the stress and demands of it would lead to another breakdown. I spend spare time doing my hobbies and being content knowing that at least I'm not rushing around commuting or doing long office hours. Not to say it's not worth aiming high, but just that you need to think carefully about your goals and to focus on what's right for you rather than what's expected of you.Don't be afraid of being a burden. I'm far more of a burden with my DD but looking after the disabled is just what anyone should be able to expect in a civilised society.

I live in 1 room sharing a kitchen and bathroom with a group of strangers so no fostering for me. If I ever ever ever manage to get sorted out financially and in a more stable position healthwise fostering is definitely something I want to do. I always have done.

I'd love to foster children with health issues who need extra support and nurturing.

Amazing careers are usually a slog. You can end up defined by your work and giving most of your best years to it.

Parenting is HARD! I know some people who are thrilled to have children and take it all in their stride. Many though are barely hanging on to their mental health and have been sort of erased by the experience.

Is there any way you could make money from home? Can you write or make things? You sound incredibly strong and capable.

You do sound depressed though. Maybe you could talk to your HCP's about your feelings?

If you really want to work, helping people who are 'disadvantaged' get into long term employment is something that a few major companies are focusing on as part of their sustainability agenda. Off the top of my head, look at Wates Group. There are others like them.

If you know what sector you want to work in, look at the major companies in that sector, look at the sustainability sections of their website and for any company that states they want to help with skills and employment, call their HR department and ask how you get on their programme. That way, you don't get knocked back by recruitment agents and you benefit from big corporate trying to 'help'.

Might also be worth talking to Business in the Community, and I think the Prince's Trust has something similar?

I'm on my third or fourth attempt to finish my masters at 46. I'll bloody get there too (similar list of random shite life occurrences).

My friend is 50. She has been battling BPD and alcoholism for years with multiple suicide attempts, family is NC. She has just picked up a ft job in a live in position in a career she is completely new to professionally, but has always had an interest in. Believe me, if she can do it, you can. This will be the first time for a long time that she hasn't been completely reliant on benefits, mental health services, and other people scraping her up off the floor. And she is completely on her own. If she loses this job, she's homeless.

I'm a bit sad that you think life is over in your 30s. That's just your head messing with you.

im a burden on the state! I cost the NHS literally thousands

Yes some people do cost the NHS housands. Some lucky people never use it. Some need it more. That's how statistics work over a population. I'm a net contributor and I pay my tax SO that people who need it get it. That's the deal living in a civilised society, no?
Because... Maybe one day I will need it too. Maybe I'll get cancer. Maybe I'll be injured. And maybe I'll be lucky and. It need it , in which case I'm more than glad to have assisted people who do. In a population of x million people we will all need different amounts - that's just how statistical distributions work (you KNOW this!) you aren't a burden, you're just needing more help.

You know what's a burden on the state? Wars. Tax dodging corporations. Not individuals who need a bit more medical care.

There's far too much societal expectation that everyone should be fabulous individuals who achieve the stars effortlessly. Life doesn't work that way. For a significant number of people at some point in their lives just getting out of bed is a pretty big achievement.

Sorry, I should have read to the bottom of your post about your shared accommodation.

Do you live in an area where the cost of living is very high? If so, would it be an option to move to somewhere like the SW where rents would be cheaper and a two bed place by yourself would be realistic on what you can earn?

I don't think you are a failure, just getting worn down by how stupidly hard getting by has become.

When I was 33 I was single, depressed, in a dead end job I hated and struggling with my health. In the last 7years I've retrained to a new profession, I've met my DH and have 2 kids. If anyone had told me then how things have turned out I would have told them to fuck off. No way would I believed it possible. 30's is not too late. although I do really know that it can feel like it

Please don't think your life is over at 30. You have got years ahead of you to achieve all that you want. I get that it seems impossible right now but it can get better. You mentioned normal functioning adults - you would be surprised how many people might seem like this but it's not the reality really. Lots of people suffer with anxiety and depression - me and chronic illness - DP. If you met us you would never know our daily struggles but we have them. I agree writing down some goals really would help, even just one thing at a time. Writing things down are therapeutic. Wishing you the absolute best OP. Keep strong and take every day as it comes. Take care of yourself.

Sorry you're feeling so low. I agree with previous posters that perhaps some help with possible depression might help? Some counselling and or anti-depressants?

Sounds like you have all the potential to move forward and achieve the things you would like to, but perhaps how you're feeling in and about yourself is what's holding you back at the moment? If you have a degree and can attain a place on a post grad programme then there's possible career progression. Is your desired career in an area where you can take a lower paid or volunteer role to gain experience and boost your cv? If you could look at working, even in a lower paid role then moving house and/or travelling might become possible?

Could you do something like teaching English abroad as you have a degree? Or consider a different post grad option using your degree, even if it's shorter term (PGCE perhaps?).

As for a relationship and having a family, those things can occur quickly and you have plenty of time to meet someone in your 30's. If that's what you want, of course.

Sounds like you've had a really tough few years and it's understandable that you're struggling. Please be kind to yourself, there are always answers and solutions although sometimes I know things seem impossible. I think reaching out for some help about how you're feeling would be a wonderful first step.

Take care

It's not too late!

I was single and miserable at 35.

Ar 36 I met someone new.
At 37 I went travelling for 6 months across Asia and Australia.
At 42 I had my first baby.
At 43 my second.

It isn't too late!

My thirtieth was a grim time. I was living in a town where I knew no one, a job that was way beyond my hopes but that I always felt 2nd rate in, single no kids. The only good thing on the day was a friend of mine dropping in by supprise and going out for the evening - otherwise I would have ended up in a heap next to a stack of bottles.
Two weeks later I met the person I would marry, a year later we moved in three years later we bought a house and four years latter we had our first child. Nine years latter two kids, lots of jobs but happy.

Are you healthy enough to join a walking group or to do parkrun (maybe as a marshal if not a walker or runner?)? Getting outside and networking might give you a boost?

Thank you for the nice messages, it is encouraging. Mumsnet is so wonderful in that it allows you to be able to talk very frankly about everything going on. I can't do that elsewhere.

Admittedly I am drinking wine. Will probably have 2 big glasses.

Enjoy it. Try jotting down a few things tomorrow ie short term goals and take it one step at a time. Mumsnet can be such an amazing place to tap in to for support and advice. Take care.

I really believe there is no 'too late'. We can all always try to make our lives better. All the best OP!

Amazing careers are usually a slog. You can end up defined by your work and giving most of your best years to it.

Yes, this. The career won't necessarily make you happy OP. Based on your posts, if you don't address your depression, then nothing will make you happy.

I volunteer at a hospice. Only a few hours a week but it's the best thing for my MH and it gives me perspective on the relative shitness of my life. I am only 40 and have gone through cancer, parental suicide and alcoholism, and I have a life-limiting genetic condition. But I honestly love my life and feel fortunate to be here

Speaking from experience, obsessing about failure or not being "good enough" (real or imagined!) puts you in a kind of paralysis. A good psychotherapist may help.

I lived with my mum until I was 31 and saw no hope. Severe mh issues and several overdoses in a year.
I met my now DH the day after my 31st birthday and am now married and about to buy a house.
Life isn't easy but it can and will change. Big hugs

I'm 50, 30's was fucking ages ago, I've done loads since then. You have a chance to change your life, don't get to 50 and feel just like you do now, that'd be really shit.

I'm 49.

I'm thinking about further education with a view to possibly doing a degree.

Or taking a Gap Yah to think about things and improve myself.

I've got about 18 to 19 years before I retire.

Nothing wrong with 2 big glasses! Enjoy them OP. And keep the thread going if you want to talk more.

NoHopeNoHow please name change to something more upbeat! Hopefullyontheup or some such thing.

I do believe you can change things. You have a first degree, I think, no mean feat. And even if I read that wrongly so what, you are pretty articulate in your posts, you know speaking and writing well are in demand in jobs.

It sounds like health issues are a problem at the moment, focus on your health and getting as well as you can. Eat as well as you can afford to. Shop around for food bargains and eat the most nutritious food that will power you.

Decide what you want to put your energy into now. Do you want to/is it possible to go back and complete your postgraduate degree?

If it is, do you want to do this? Make it happen. You can do it. (I work in education and I see a lot of people who take longer to complete courses than they would imagine at first.)

There are choices, you can focus on one area or scatter your interests around. Join some socials things to meet new people/look for new work/complete study/find a new place to live.

There are jobs with live in accommodation as a previous poster said, some may be more suitable than others.

Please change the talk in your head from 'I can't do it', to 'I can do it' - because I think you can:
Because you've done enough undergraduate work to get onto post grad study
Because you've survived sickness, a dysfunctional family, depression, and bullying
Because you do keep trying new stuff, you are willing to give things a go
Because you've had huge dreams
Because you've managed your health issues despite the trips to hospital for tests
Because you've been talking to medical people, in spite of hating it

Please take charge now, focus on the most pressing bits of life and see what you can do to change things.

Nothing's wrong with 2 glasses, unless they're incredibly big and could also be described as a whole bottle. And then you have 2 or 3 more....

The reality is, as far as we know, you only get this life and that's it. So, you can either carry on feeling sorry for yourself and end up 50/60 still feeling the same; or you can get up, work out what you want and get on with it. Get help, get proactive and get happy. I wish you the world. x

PS If I sound like a patronising wanker, I'm sorry!

Op... im 40 next year and am applying to start a new degree as my last career was a flop.
Never too late!