To think 30's is TOO FUCKING LATE to start having a great life, from scratch?

[NoHopeNoHow]

It's all over really, isn't it?

I've done nothing. No career, no kids, can't even get through a postgraduate degree. All my life is or has been is sickness, dysfunctional family, depression, bullying, failing failing failing at everything. I try stuff and always fail BECAUSE I AM NO FUCKING GOOD.

Had such huge dreams of a career and having children. It's too late. There's just something wrong with me.

I hate everything about my life right now. I hate the endless trips to hospital for tests, hate talking to medical people, hate job hunting which is pointless because all jobs I can realistically aim for are little over min wage so will never allow me independence from the state aka housing benefit. I hate the disgusting shithole I live in with slugs in the kitchen cupboards and people taking my stuff and the creepy live in landlord.

No its not too late.
Maybe write down where you want to get to (to me it focuses my mind), then work out the smaller steps you need to get there, then work on ticking off one small step at a time.
Best wishes!

You aren't a failure, you've just had more than your fair share of major shit to deal with. Most people only have one or two of those things to deal with over a lifetime. You have had to deal with them all in relatively quick succession.

I think the first step is to tell yourself that you can do it.
30s is not too late at all.

I'm 39
I've been chronically ill since I was 18.
I lost my husband and father to iur 3 children when I was 32 and then their step dad when I was 36.

We're still recovering abd I do not feel I am really managing to have a proper life yet but it's not too late!!!

Big hugs

You can do it too. A minimum wage job is just a start.

Incidentally, when I was competing against recent graduates for the entry level stuff I used my age as a plus, stated that it meant I'd developed a strong work ethic & learned the importance of pitching in to get the "boring stuff" done - not quite in those words but you get the idea.

With training, I have registered to start an evening class in September. It's in a particular computer programme that I've always been interested in and would be useful for lots of things. So there's that.

Nothing has just happened, in fact it's sort of the opposite. Nothing ever happens. I keep being turned down for flatshares and studios because housing benefit. I keep getting interviews and then not getting the job.

I hate myself mostly about the degree It makes me feel like a fraud, because I am so interested in that area and read quite a lot about it, but because I never could do the degree I feel like I'm not allowed take part in any conversations about it or hold opinions on the wider context either. I know that sounds mad but it's how I feel.

It's possible. I was in a bad relationship, poor as a church mouse and severely depressed and unwell in my early 30s.

Changed careers, moved countries, got married, had a baby. Almost 40 and things are ok. Not perfect, I still suffer from depression - but ok.

It's overwhelming when there are so many things, isn't it? I'd suggest writing down things, everything, that you want to change. Be detailed. Now sort those things out into:

1. Stuff that can be dealt with immediately
2. Stuff that can be sorted in the mid term
3. Stuff that's more of a long term goal.

Some of these might fall into more than one category. If you feel you drink too much, then 'not having a drink tonight' is one immediate goal. Cut down is a mid term goal.

I found breaking things down into smaller chunks helped.

Be kind to yourself. Life isn't easy and it seems like you've survived quite a lot - that's an achievement in itself. Go easy on yourself - fix what you can now and plan for the future. 30 isn't even half your life. It might not even be a third. Hell its not without the realms of possibility that it might not even be a quarter

I am 44 and will have to retrain to start a new career when kids are n school. I will be almost 50 then . I remember another mumsnetter saying she trained to be a midwife at 50. 50 ain't too late to start over, imo. 30 something seems young form where I am sitting.

Could you transfer your degree to the OU or use current credits towards a different degree?

What about doing something very part time volunteer wise that your passionate about. Something that can bring you joy or a sense of achievement with it.

I don't think you are depressed I just think you are in a shitty situation and being realistic about your current ability to get out of it.

Obviously you are trying to escape current housing situ with creepy landlord every time the creepyness manifests itself complain to the council. You do not have to be polite or ignore his behavior for a quiet life the noisier you are the better chance they will help you.

Lastly salt the slugs. Cover every inch of those cupboards with table salt before you go to bed and then thats one problem solved

It's not too late at all. There was a 45 year old lady retraining when I did my nursing course at uni.
My Mum retrained as a social worker at the age of 50.
What sort of career are you interested in doing?
It's definitely not too late to have kids either.

I started my nursing degree at 36 and I wasn't the oldest by far.

I definitely think it's possible to turn things around, but there are so many aspects of your life that you're unhappy with that it seems overwhelming and impossible for you to fix it all at once. Why not start with just one thing? Make a plan of where you'd like to be in, say, five years and pick the easiest thing off the list - start there. It's probably going to take a big shift in your attitude because I'm guessing the 'I'm no good' mentality runs fairly deep at this point.

The thing to remember is that anything is possible - the biggest thing that will stop you is you.

Definitely not too late to reach your dreams. You do need a focus and then to be bold enough to go for it. Spend a little while in honest reflection looking at what would make you feel happy/successful. It might not be the traditional perfect family, perfect man and perfect job. You might surprise yourself with what you do think is important to you.

Then look at what you can offer - a degree (as you mention postgrad). Is it a good degree? What subject? What work would interest you? Do psychometric online tests to help you think outside your comfort zone. Some careers that are not perceived as lucrative can give you a very comfortable living. Teachers might not have a high starting salary but a PGCE and a few years experience could see you as head of department or even head. Secondary heads can earn over £100k. Move on a few years later to a MAT and money gets even higher.

What would you consider lucrative?
Might a dog fill a gap? Good way to meet others walking dogs!
If you want a nice man go to nice things where nice men go - bars are, perhaps, less likely to throw up a partner than perhaps a sports club.
Your not a failure you just may not have found your niche yet!

Have you looked at signing up with temp agencies or would that fuck with your benefits too much?

I had a dozen or so interviews where I was (apparently) always their second choice. So they said. My breakthrough was a company who needed to interview someone the next day to start two days after. The short notice meant that there was hardly any competition & after four months' temping they decided to make me permanent.

All through my twenties, I would sit down and make a life plan and make lists of goals I wanted to achieve. I've not hit many of those.

Everything takes money to achieve, which I don't have. Even something like taking my driving test seems impossibly expensive, but it would be good to have for applying for different jobs.

I'd be happy to temp, but I very seldom hear back from broad-based agencies when I apply online for specific jobs. If I call, the gatekeeper just says to apply online or that the recruiter will call me back if I'm selected.

All my interviews have been directly applying to companies or with recruitment agencies with jobs for my niche.

Are there reputable agencies who solely do temps? Will look for some of those online and see if I can get anywhere.

NoHopeNoHow it sounds like you have had some very, very unfortunate things happen. These would set back any person, so you totally normal to experience these as setbacks and find them hard to deal with.

I am not sure if you are getting help from your GP for depression, is so keep on getting help, if not, ask for it.

I had my first child at age 39. It's not too late for a family. I am in my 50s and considering re-training at some point or a career change. It's not too late for a new career. I had no home of my own before I met dh, I had lived with my parents, I moved into my own home in my thirties and we moved together to a home we chose together in our 40s. It's not too late for a new home.

I think one step at a time is best. Think what you most want to tackle first. But do get to the GP and get help for depression, good luck.

you have a first degree, so clearly you have achieved something. Work from there. If you are not in a position to continue with a post graduate degree ATM then that's fine, accept that as something to deal with in the future, maybe through OE if you presently find it hard to deal with a University setting.

You are getting help with your health issues, work with them.

If working full time is not possible then what about part time or volunteering .

I appreciate that you seem overwhelmed by stuff at the moment, and I am sorry that that is the case. But work with what you have, deal with one thing at a time and slowly but surely you will get your life back.

OP, having health problems and handling one or two big life crises makes you sound amazing to me. Not many people could do that.
Things are genuinely tough in your life.

You already have a degree if it's a postgrad you are thinking of studying. So you have already been successful. But it's really difficult job hunting while unwell and attending medical appointments and so on. As pps have said, prioritise. If you have to take a min wage job until your health is sorted, then do so. If you then take up the postgrad degree, you are better off doing an undemanding job until you have the qualification. Then look for a career. You are more likely to meet someone you might have children with if the rest is sorted.

At your age I didn't even have a first degree and had many issues. By the time I retired I was a respected professional and still work in a related field. I hope you have family and/or friends who can support you if only by being encouraging. If not, it seems that there are many on here who will. Good luck.

That's the thing though I haven't really coped - I've not thrived, not made a success of myself. I've just scraped along with some semblance of a life trying to squeeze as much enjoyment out of it as possible.

I feel like I'm not taken seriously as a person. I feel like a massive burden.

I didn't get married till I was 37 so hope for us all!

Burden on who? And are they making you feel that way?

Oh love. IME, there is no such thing as a 'normal, functioning adult'. Most people have problems and oddities to one degree or another. Not everyone 'thrives' or even has huge amounts of success. Sometimes people just lead boring lives. It sounds like you're just facing more than your fair share of problems and I feel so sad for you.

Depression, anxiety, all the other shit you have been through, does not mean the end of your life. I'm 28 but am currently unemployed due to a shit situation and I have felt like you on more than one occasion.

My first thought would be a GP appointment to ask for counselling, if you think it might help as well, some antidepressants might help you to climb into a more positive place. I have no special story to tell you about myself, like you I constantly feel like i'm chipping forward through concrete, it's slow and painful, but there is always progress when you look for it. Sometimes that is just getting out of bed one day.

What the hell? Thirties is nothing!

I'm a burden on the state! I cost the NHS literally thousands, I'm not exaggerating. I have housing benefit and since my savings ran out I claimed jobseeker's allowance.

The council are ok but I'm embarrassed at asking for help. I'm embarrassed every time i have to bring it up to a potential landlord. I'm embarrassed all the people I live with, who I don't know from adam, know I get housing benefit because the landlord asked loudly if I was claiming council tax benefit as well. I'm not because I wanted to keep the matter private, but that didn't work.

I hate being reliant but realistically even if I got a job paying six figures I could never afford my medicines and equipment.