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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Oh shit. DSD2s grandparents have emailed DH. Is it wrong not to tell her??

41 replies

K1092902 · 25/08/2017 22:25

Backstory: DSD2s Mum died 4 years ago when she was 14 and has lived with me and DH full time since then.

DSD2 has had zero contact with her maternal grandparents for 9 years, as her grandfather is/was an abusive alcoholic. This was her mum's decision, something DH obviously strongly agreed upon. They didn't even attend DSD2s mum's funeral as DH knew she wouldn't want them there.

An email came from them completely out of the blue today- DH honestly went as white as a sheet when he opened it.

Apparently DSD2s aunt has informed them that she is pregnant. Grandparents are claiming things are better now and they want to be able to see their granddaughter and future great grandchild.

It's difficult to believe their claims for a second as it has been said before etc and DSDs Mum gave them several chances before she decided to cut contact

Now we are at a crossroads:

We understand that DSD is 18 and adult and should make her own decisions but she doesn't know the extent of what did and did not go on and I honestly don't think she even remembers them.

If her mum was here DH and I both agree she would 100% advise DSD to avoid all contact.

AIBU to be considering the blocking the email and not saying a thing? I do feel awful but apparently her grandfather was quite a nasty piece of work.

I honestly don't know what to do. DH is 100% adamant that we say nothing.

OP posts:

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/08/2017 22:29

Difficult. But if she finds out you are lying, by omission, she wont forgive you.

Your treating her like a child instead of like an 18yo woman, you are making decisions for her. You should be presenting her with the facts and letting her decide for herself. But of course your facts will differ from her GPs facts.

Do you really think in this modern age, if desired, she couldn't be tracked down with the minimum of effort in a few clicks of a mouse?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/08/2017 22:32

AIBU to be considering the blocking the email and not saying a thing? I do feel awful but apparently her grandfather was quite a nasty piece of work.

I mean this kindly - it's none of your business. This is between DH , his daughter and her mothers family - what do you think it would look like if you took it upon yourself to block her maternal grandparents emails? If he is adamant that he's not telling her anything, then so be it, but do not get involved at all.

nutbrownhare15 · 25/08/2017 22:33

Yes. Tell her everything including her mum's wishes then leave it up to her. She's an adult now.

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/08/2017 22:33

I think you need to tell her everything from her mother's perspective if possible. Then let her make the decision. If you don't it just becomes the fantasy lovely grand parents who want to get in touch and you and her father stopped it. Tough.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/08/2017 22:34

Would I be right in assuming that the aunt has given them your email address as you have been NC?

based on that is how they got the email address.

I would tell the aunt to not try a facilitate contact between your family and the gp.

and I would reply to the email asking that they not contact you again.

If the email is from the aunt the first bit still applies.

I have no idea as to whether I would tell your dsd, if I did I would have to fill in the blanks.

Doyoumind · 25/08/2017 22:35

Agree with pp it's better to tell her than she finds out about it and discovers your deception. Surely if she knows her DM didn't want contact and the reasons why she is unlikely to want to form a relationship with them.

RJnomore1 · 25/08/2017 22:36

Bonkers usually you would be right but op has been the advocate and support for dsd with this pregnancy not the dh.

I think you need to tell her. I think youvtell her everything though - including what you think her mum would have said.

These aren't people she lost from her life, so not people she is missing, but she needs to know at 18 and make her own choice.

Cupoteap · 25/08/2017 22:36

She's an adult you need to treat her as one, it's her choice no one else's. but yes tell her everything

Msqueen33 · 25/08/2017 22:40

I think you have to be honest and let her make a decision. She won't take kindly to having things kept from her I shouldn't think.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/08/2017 22:40

Yes I would say she is an adult and needs to know. I think your DH needs to sit her down and talk her through everything honestly, tell her everything that has happened including her mother's feelings on the matter and the full truth about why her mother cut contact.

Then its up to her

ethelfleda · 25/08/2017 22:42

OP I remember your post about her when you originally found out about her pregnancy. You were so wonderful and supportive.
I agree with others - she needs all of the facts and to be able to make her own decision on the subject. If she decides to reach out to them, so be it. If it goes wrong and she is hurt by them, I'm sure you will support her just as wonderfully as you have already.

Original poster

K1092902 · 25/08/2017 22:46

Bonkers- I 100% understand where you are coming from but DH isn't great with dealing with situations like these, and me and DSD are very close so as DH has already said- she will need my support with her decide if we tell her and there is something niggling at me that says we should and I'm glad people are in agreement.

I just don't want it to turn into a car crash for her because the girl has been through enough in her life already and she's only 18.

DSD has deleted social media since finding out she was pregnant. I know there are probably other ways to find her etc etc but they won't find her on Facebook etc and me and DH have never used it. DSD1 (DHs first daughter from a previous relationship before DSD2s Mum) has it but she has a different surname now so I don't think they will be able to find her and if they did she wouldn't say anything to DSD2 without telling me and DH first and not to mention DH thinks they have only met her once very briefly so they might not even remember who she is.

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 25/08/2017 22:53

I think...it isn't going to be an easy conversation at all. And it would have been so much easier if you had never received the email. But having received it, your DSD is over 18. She is an adult, who has been having to make adult decisions. I think it would be the lesser evil to tell her, and do so with support, and background. Partly because it feels like the right thing to do. And partly because not to tell her would feel like a breach of trust.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 25/08/2017 22:57

That's a rough choice. I'd tell her that they've emailed and tell her that you (both) told her only because you feel the need to be honest but that you're both very wary because her own mum was so wary of her father. Tell her that she doesn't have to 'do' anything.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 25/08/2017 22:58

In the nicest possible way, they're not your DH's family and she is an adult who has a right to a relationship with whom so ever she chooses.

If he'd genuinely wanted no contact with them he would simply have not opened the email surely? Now that he has he has an obligation to tell his dd that her grandparents have been in touch.

Presumably she already knows the reasons why they are nc? Given she's not been in touch with them for nine years. And if not, why not?

Also, were your DH and his ex together at the time of her death? Otherwise I'd be wondering at his influence in disallowing them from their own dauhter's funeral?

DaemonPantalaemon · 25/08/2017 23:01

You have a very dramatic family.

NoFucksImAQueen · 26/08/2017 00:28

Tell her everything and give her the choice

NoFucksImAQueen · 26/08/2017 00:28

Helpful daemon

ArchieStar · 26/08/2017 00:32

Tell her the facts and what you think her DM would say and answer any questions she has honestly.

Chances are she'll know she has grandparents she doesn't see for whatever reason just maybe cannot remember why.

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2017 01:15

I do not think you are under any obligaion to pass on this informaition, it was not wanted or solicited. The fact your dh opened their email to him doesn't mean that you are required to pass it on.

However, if your dsd finds out that they attempted to contacted her through her dad, then she may be hurt or upset.

I think as your dh knows them and how toxic they are, and he knows his ex wife and her wishes then I would be tempted to allow him to take the lead on what to do.

If you do decide to tell her, make sure you are there to support her. I know you are an amazingly supportive step mum, I remember your other thread.

MargaretTwatyer · 26/08/2017 01:18

Cool story bro

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2017 01:43

I think you need to explain the whole story to her, in limited context.
I agree that she would probably be upset if she found out that you had hidden the email from her, and that might drive her to do exactly the thing you don't want her to, to get in touch with her grandparents.

So explain it from her mum's point of view and see how it goes.

I have a friend who, in her teens, persuaded her mum to get in contact with her mum's father after years of no contact because friend wanted to know him - she came to regret that decision (not hugely, nothing bad happened to her, but she wished she'd left the situation well alone as he wasn't a nice person).

Honesty required I think - but no need to tell her everything if you don't think it's appropriate.

DaemonPantalaemon · 26/08/2017 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2017 11:01

Well I'm not casting aspersions. My family have had some utterly bizarre and unbelievable situations going on as well, which would doubtless be unbelievable to anyone not in the middle of it.

PerfectPenquins · 26/08/2017 11:08

I do not think you can judge the grandmother when your arsehole husband kicked out his pregnant daughter ie. abandoned her and then your arsehole sister demotes your step daughter at the wedding for simply being pregnant. Your family seems full of arseholes so let your ADULT step daughter make her own mind up about her grandparents.

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