Oh shit. DSD2s grandparents have emailed DH. Is it wrong not to tell her??

[K1092902]

Backstory: DSD2s Mum died 4 years ago when she was 14 and has lived with me and DH full time since then.

DSD2 has had zero contact with her maternal grandparents for 9 years, as her grandfather is/was an abusive alcoholic. This was her mum's decision, something DH obviously strongly agreed upon. They didn't even attend DSD2s mum's funeral as DH knew she wouldn't want them there.

An email came from them completely out of the blue today- DH honestly went as white as a sheet when he opened it.

Apparently DSD2s aunt has informed them that she is pregnant. Grandparents are claiming things are better now and they want to be able to see their granddaughter and future great grandchild.

It's difficult to believe their claims for a second as it has been said before etc and DSDs Mum gave them several chances before she decided to cut contact

Now we are at a crossroads:

We understand that DSD is 18 and adult and should make her own decisions but she doesn't know the extent of what did and did not go on and I honestly don't think she even remembers them.

If her mum was here DH and I both agree she would 100% advise DSD to avoid all contact.

AIBU to be considering the blocking the email and not saying a thing? I do feel awful but apparently her grandfather was quite a nasty piece of work.

I honestly don't know what to do. DH is 100% adamant that we say nothing.

I wouldn't tell her.

This email is about what they want, not what's good for her.

DSD's Mum didnt go NC lightly or without trying hard to make it work first.

DSD has more than enough going on right now without having to work through her feelings on this too.

It's not as if DSD doesn't know they exist. If SHE had wanted to be in contact with them, there was nothing stopping her.

Don't upset DSD because some nasty people see a new way in.

Daemon. If you don't believe the OP, then report the thread/poster & let MN sort it out.

Lots of people have lives that would read like a novel if they wrote about them on here. Posts like yours just make them too scared to do so in case they're called trolls.

The OP s asking for advice, not money, not gifts, not even details of tragic events. Even if she was a troll, she's would be a very harmless one. The damage you're doing is far greater.

I'm afraid I agree that you have to tell her - but also tell her what her late mum would have wanted her to do.

Lots of people have lives that would read like a novel if they wrote about them on here

This ^ as Anon says, there are some people whose lives are quite genuinely full of drama and upset and tragedy.

I don\t know whether I would tell this girl or not, but bearing in mind that the ever-o-helpful aunt sacked her niece as bridesmaid when she found out about the pregnancy, I think I would certainly contact her and tell her to mind her own sodding business, and that she shouldn't even be mentioning her niece to family members who have nothing todo with her, nor she with them. It's like that for a reason.

I strongly disagree with all the people telling you to press her mother's views on her. That sounds very much like emotional blackmail. "You're an adult and can choose to have contact with them, but your deceased mother wouldn't have wanted you to..." No no no.

I haven't read all the updates on your past threads, but I am concerned about her and your 'D'H. The way she's been treated is unacceptable imo.

To answer your question yes, you and your H need to tell her. She is an adult and is soon bringing a human into the world, she should be able to know where everything stands. Personally if I was in her situation I think I'd definitely want to be told so I could deal with it accordingly. If you don't think she's emotionally mature enough to handle blunt news maybe give her a choice? "We've been contacted by your grandparents, do you want to see the email, here are the pros and cons as we see it but it's your choice etc. etc.

Daily
It's not emotional blackmail "to press her mother's views on her"!

I can't see how DSD could make a fully informed view of whether or not to now have contact with GPs, without first knowing what has occurred in the past. Her deceased mother's reasons for going NC are absolutely central to it.

DSD needs to be as well informed as possible, as not only does she need to protect herself emotionally and physically, she will also need to protect a very vulnerable child in the near future.

How vulnerable is she? She's been through a lot with your husband being an arse (that's me being kind btw). I'd want her on an even keel. The poor girl deserves some counselling. Then you can ask the counsellor. Make sure they are properly qualified.

I agree with inna - her mother's views are important to the whole story and should not be left out.

That sounds like a very difficult situation

They will track her down if they want to, it is very easy these days. So she needs to be prepared. She is 18 and can make her own decisions, but it is your job as (step) parents to ensure she is as fully prepared as possible to make the right choices. That means informing her, and having faith in her that she will make the right choices.

Her deceased mother's reasons for going NC are absolutely central to it. - inna has summed it up nicely, I think OP will end up telling her DSD but she must (or the DH must) give all the details.

To be fair though this poor girl has been through so much this summer, I'd keep the Alcoholic Grandfather on the back burner for a few weeks. Maybe your DH could reply and say we will let her know what you have said but you are not to contact us again and leave it at that. But it will come back to bite the poor DSD one way or another.

Definitely agree with posters saying what a family, I feel so sorry for a pregnant 18 year old trying to deal with all that shit and I still wouldn't be forgiving the DH for his behaviour any time soon

Oh dear, on your restaurant thread I said I hoped for a peaceful summer for you, OP, seeing as it's been one thing after another after another over the last couple of months, but it looks like it's just not going to let up for you

How long till your sister's wedding? Hopefully if you sorted out the bridesmaid issue re DSD that might be a spot of welcome respite from all the shit that keeps happening to you.