Giving a too expensive wedding gift - embarrassing

[AlbaAlba]

Gift etiquette question.

DH is from a very well-off upper class family, and is a high earner. When we go to his friend/family wedding we give gifts of several hundred pounds (and received similar). When it is a wedding on my much more modest side we find it really hard to agree on an appropriate sum.

He feels we can afford it, and should give them the same as his friends. I feel that that could be awkward when I know that friends are not well off and gave us a much smaller sum (think £20-30).

I just don't want to embarrass them or make them feel awkward. Giving gifts of 10x + more than you receive feels like it could be viewed as anything from showing off our greater spending power to really insensitive. I don't want them to feel they have to be massively grateful or anything, or worse, feel embarrassed that they gave a much smaller gift.

I think if we were in our 40s/50s giving gifts to nephews etc, it would feel ok, but when they're the same age/stage of life, it's awkward.

Sometimes DH wins the argument, sometimes I get a compromise. A £30 gift seems insufficient when we can easily afford more, and I'd like them to have something nice, so I aim for around the £100-£150 mark. Sometimes this clearly flusters people, so I think maybe it's still too much. DH thinks we're being stingy.

WWYD / AIBU or is DH to insist?

Even in family there will be differing responses - I know one of my siblings would be offended, and the other would grab with both hands, so it's down to knowing individuals' feelings.

Are you sure your side of the family don't know you're married to an 'aristo' who is a high earner? Didn't both your families come to your own wedding; surely they'd have realised there? If one single one of your family members or friendship group knows, then human nature is such that all of them know. That's the kind of gossip that no-one could have kept to themselves, back when you get together.

Thus, I think you're overthinking, and people won't be surprised to get a gift of £300 value. That's not massive anyway - giftlists I've got over past few years range from £15 items to £500 items.

As I've said a few times in the thread, I wouldn't give a £20-£30 gift for a wedding (or not since being a broke student), as given our income that would be mean. I was asking more what figure around the £100 mark would be generous without upsetting some people or making them feel they had to reciprocate.

A PP is right, it depends on the recipient and their attitude and I need to judge it on a case by case basis.

As for family etc - immediate family know some of it, so no doubt some has filtered out into more distant relations. My best friend is aware. Old school friends who live elsewhere probably don't have a clue. We probably look comfortable, but we are not flashy at all.

Two different countries/cultures/languages so the class and wealth indicators don't really translate. A couple of years back we were 'dropped' by a snobby (aspirational) local couple who clearly felt we were not quite up to scratch (and having seen their true colours we didn't enlighten them).

"immediate family know some of it"

Just some of it? Were they not at the wedding? Did they not meet all the aristocratic in-laws to be?

Unless you seek to keep the two families completely separate, I'm at a loss to understand how your family (and friends?) would be mostly unaware of the background of the family you had married into.

"Two different countries/cultures/languages so the class and wealth indicators don't really translate."

Just notices this sentence. Still at a loss to understand. Can you say which countries/cultures/languages?

When we got married I was bowled over by the generosity of people who spent £100 ish. We didn't expect it at all. We weren't embarrassed even though we can't afford to reciprocate a £100 gift (we earn about 40k between us so fairly middle of the road and would spend £30 ish). If I could afford it I'd spend £100 ish.

I think you could spend £200 without embarrassing close family.

i would never give less than £50 for an all day invite for two guests. That is the minimum i would gift even when i have been absolutley skint. I have been to weddings where people have given nothing but paid for hair and makeup to be done and i find it rude. I see it as you can get a 3 course meal for £25 each so in effect you are paying for your place. As an evening guest, a bottle of prosecco or champagne.

From a (not particularly well off) single person to a couple where I know both fairly well, I'd give around £50-70,depending on how rich they were themselves. Some years when I was a student and the number of weddings got into double figures in a single year it was a bit less!

So for someone that is well off and it's from a couple, I'd not think £200 excessive at all. Generous yes but not ostentatious. If you are a close friend/family member then I'd go up to £500.

Anything less than £100 from a couple who were well off I'd find it a bit tight really. Although you often find it's the relatively worse off that tend to be more generous! TBH people probably know who their more generous friends are already and it won't make any difference, they'll just carry on thinking you are generous, or thinking you are a bit tight but they like you for your other attributes. People are unlikely to get too het up about it.